Please bear with me, as this story will probably be long... I've been with my boyfriend for a little over ten years. We have had some sexual problems; he has had anxiety regarding sex and being able to perform. Most of the time it was fine, other times he could not sustain his erection. He has been on antidepressants for years, and we knew that could be part of the problem. When I've approached him in the past wondering if it was something I was doing, etc., he's always assured me it has nothing to do with me. I believe I've been understanding about it; I know that many couples experience problems in the bedroom and sex is not the most important thing in the world. Back in May, things were getting so bad that I knew something else was the problem. I know when my boyfriend is lying to me, so I confronted him. He confessed that he thought he had a porn addiction and that is was affecting his performance. I was shocked; I know many people, especially guys, watch porn, but I had no idea it was at this level. I knew this was something we could work through, but over the course of several days, he started confessing all these things to me. He said the majority of porn he watched was "straight" porn, and maybe 20% was gay. That's when I started to become concerned. I understand the curiousity of it, but it started ringing alarm bells in my head. During that time he also told me about an experience he had when we had broken up for about six months. He and a friend had gotten very drunk, and the friend ended up giving him oral sex. He said he tried to as well but couldn't do it for very long. That really upset me, as we had gotten back together years before and he never told me, and I just didn't know what to make of it. He also said he has thoughts about guys when he masturbates; not the majority of the time though. I didn't want to know in great detail. He also had put is his finger in his anus, and confessed to using my vibrator a few times as well. He told me about a childhood incident where a man tried to sexually assault him, but wasn't successful. I don't know how much relevance that would have. All of this was such a shock to me, and I didn't know what to do. I asked him if he thought he was gay, and what he wanted to do. He said he loves me, and wants to be in this relationship. He didn't consider himself gay at all. He said he was really afraid to tell me because he didn't know what my reaction would be, but of course I was upset. The main reason I was upset was because I felt betrayed and lied to. I told him I needed to think about things, and he should as well. I was contemplating moving out for a while, to give us both space. He didn't want me to, so I said fine for now, but I thought therapy would be the best start for him. I wanted him to talk everything through and figure things out for him, and for both of us. He agreed and went to a sex therapist. I eventually went to a few sessions as well. Eventually he decided that he was bi-curious, or a degree of bisexual (the therapist suggested not really giving it a definite label, as many people are curious or aroused by the same sex, and that doesn't automatically mean they're gay). I agree with that; I myself can appreciate women, and have been aroused by women in porn. She wanted us to do a few activities; one was to find a list of sexual activities and compare notes on what we'd like to try, etc. Eventually my boyfriend started opening up, and saying he wanted to include anal play for himself every once in a while. It's not something that I'm the most comfortable with, but I agreed to try. One of the biggest problems we've had recently is that while I've agreed to try different things, that both of us would like, I've been upfront from the start that I'm not 100% comfortable with it. I feel like I need to be honest. My boyfriend has taken this as I'm disgusted or something, and we held off trying anal play with him because of it. I tried explaining that you can't expect me to just love the idea, or be really excited about it, when it's something very new to me. I told him I wanted to do this with him because I love him and it's something he would like. He acted like if I wasn't jumping up and down about it than we shouldn't even bother. We finally did try a few things; I used a finger and a dildo. It wasn't the worst thing for me, but I wasn't super thrilled about it. I would do it again, but it isn't a turn on for me. But I think the whole experience was a success. I think the more I did it the more comfortable I would become. He said it's not something he wants to do very often. When I found out he used my vibrator before, I found that to be a huge violation of trust, and I just don't like the thought of it. We agreed that if we were going to do this, we would get a separate one for him, which we did. But today I went into my drawer and I think my boyfriend might have used it again. It took a long time, and a lot of talking, before he worked up the courage to do something like that with me. Before he said it's something he only did by himself, like it was his personal thing. I've always thought of myself as a pretty open person; I have had gay friends, I support anyone who is gay, straight, bisexual, whatever, I believe a person should be free to do as they wish. I believe everyone has a right to be happy, with whoever they wish. But since this has happened, I've started to think that maybe I'm not as open as I thought. I'm trying my best to be supportive and understanding; I think one of the biggest issues is just the fact we've been together so long, and this whole thing was such a big shock. Since finding out everything in May, I feel a lot better about everything, but at times I still have doubts. I know there are cases of men (or women) coming out much later in life, and my fear is that it will happen. I want us both to be happy, but I don't want to waste anymore time if that's the case. I know that if I choose to stay in the relationship, I run that risk. I guess my questions are: is he gay, or bisexual? What else can I do to help with my fears/doubts?
I'd keep going to the therapist and experimenting sexually with him. There are no guarantees of what will happen in the future. I myself am married to a woman but wondering if bisexual is the right label for me, or whether gay is more accurate. Thanks for sharing your story and I think you'll get a variety of recommendations here. No one opinion should be taken as the rule.
