1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Friend 'slipped out' and I'm blaming myself!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Masterpeace, Feb 7, 2013.

  1. Masterpeace

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia
    My friend just slipped out of the closet. He basically came out but in a form of a story and I think he made it up so that he could make me understand that he was gay.

    Right now I think I'm the one to blame for turning him gay. You see since I was a kid I used to act all girly because I grew up with female relatives around me all the time and my dad was always away from work abroad. I got teased for it but as years went by I made friends and acted less girly but most of the best friends I made were pretty much like myself.

    Then my family made a decision to move overseas so that we could finally be together. This is when I kind of sealed myself away from others because I was afraid that people wouldn't like me and so I didn't have any best friends in school until I reached high school where I met my best friend. At that time I was suffering from Teen Depression and so I opened up to him about my insecurities in how I look and our conversations stemmed to pimple cream, clothes and beauty stuff. That's when we began talking more and eventually developed a friendship.

    However over the last couple of years since leaving school we went our separate ways and began to change as people. I made many new friends while my best friend fell through serious depression after dropping out of college. We still kept in contact all these years.

    Things took a turn over the last couple of months when he began to bring up the topic of being gay without mentioning the word. He told me stories about and wanted my perspective of it but I couldn't give him a straight answer. I began to doubt if he was really gay but he denied it at all accounts until we had a conversation on the phone where he got all defensive when I brought up the topic of gay marriage and his religion's view of it. This eventually led to him confessing to me that he was already seeing somebody and is set to get married.

    I reacted terribly to his story. I was in shock and couldn't speak a word. He only knew the guy for a few months and already wants to spend his life with him. He began to cry a little. This whole thing is just terrible for me and him. I don't know what to do now. We are both 21.
     
    #1 Masterpeace, Feb 7, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2013
  2. photoguy93

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2012
    Messages:
    1,893
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Olaf
    What does your relationship with him have "to do with the price of beans in China?"

    Frankly, you didn't do anything. People don't become gay. It's not like depression, where that happens over time. Frankly, he was probably depressed because he was having these feelings.

    You did nothing - you just need to support him, since you are straight.
     
  3. flymetothemoon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2009
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Newark, NJ
    Nothing you did could turn your friend gay. If he is gay, he is, and there is nothing anyone can do to change it. What is so terrible about the situation for him or you? Can you explain a little bit about why you think this is so bad? Maybe we can help to ease your concerns that way.
     
  4. Masterpeace

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia
    Thanks for replying. I just feel like I am the one to blame. I probably pulled him to this path and now I don't even know what to do. I've told him several times that I will still be his friend. I just don't know how to handle it now. He's still concerned about how I reacted.
     
  5. PeteNJ

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2012
    Messages:
    855
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    NJ
    If your friend is gay, he was ALWAYS gay.

    YOU have nothing to do with it -- really, its ok, stop thinking you had anything to do with it.
     
  6. Masterpeace

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia
    Ok I'm gonna stop worrying about it. I'll talk to him again on the phone.

    I just didn't understand why he'd tell me this story instead of telling me that he is really gay.
     
  7. June Cleaver

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,267
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    United States of America
    If you are straight and don't want him, why care? Be happy that he has found love! That is so rare! You could not have turned him gay, he was gay all along. Now I am trans M to F and my current man is straight. He sees the woman I am and loves her, not the man I look like. If we ever break-up he will go back to women. I cannot change him from being straight. All the men in my past but two have been straight and the two were bi. My last BF of 4.5 years went back to a female after me, I could not change him either and never wanted to. So don't worry, you can't change him. All you should do is support him and stay his friend. Good luck! June
     
  8. Masterpeace

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 7, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia
    Thank you June. Maybe you're right. We just led different lives so we are both different from each other. He choose to be gay and I choose straight. As teenagers, we were kind of bi curious but I kind of learned that it's natural to feel this way when you are going through puberty and that there's nothing wrong.

    I called him again and asked him if he wanted to watch a movie next week. He said 'yes'. I'll try and clear up things with him from there on wards.
     
  9. flymetothemoon

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2009
    Messages:
    382
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Newark, NJ
    He didn't choose to be gay, I think that is where you are getting confused. You don't choose your sexual orientation, it is what it is. If he is gay, he has ALWAYS been gay. Nothing could make him that way, or change who he is.

    As for why he told you a story instead of just telling you he was gay, he may have been nervous about how you would react and wanted to have a way to take it back if you didn't react well. I don't think it's really all that uncommon, especially with someone that you aren't sure of their reaction, to try to keep it "safe" and check on how they feel about things with a story so you can say you weren't talking about yourself if they react poorly.