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Visual vs. Mental

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Musician, Feb 8, 2013.

  1. Musician

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    I'm wondering about something. I think I'm a mostly straight guy. When I see an image of a man vs. woman, my sexual arousal (without touching or visualizing) completely goes up towards the woman. But in my mind, without the visual, I feel sometimes more of an erection when I think of a guy. I don't even feel that guilty about it.

    So: Visually - woman practically always. Mentally - sometimes more to the guy.

    Does the fact that in my mental fantasy I get aroused by a guy mean that my true sexuality is gay? Cuz that would bug the hell out of me, considering I always thought I was straight with visual stimulation (porn or whatever), but to learn that I'm gay. Or is this some kind of "kink", or am I looking for replacement to porn? Or you guys don't buy that too much? That and I have a girlfriend I don't want to lose, but that's besides the point.
     
  2. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    I personally believe sexual orientation is more of a visual/scent based type of deal. You can imagine murdering someone in your head and may even get an adrenaline rush, but have absolutely no desire to do that in real life. I know I am 100% gay... On some rare occasions, I may be lying down napping and feel myself aroused by the thought of a girl. I know in real life I have absolutely no attraction towards them (visually) or even the way they smell (sorry not a sexy smell for me!). You could try experimenting with a guy and see... If you truly don't enjoy the sexual experience and find it "forced, mechanical, etc." then it's safe to say you're straight.
     
  3. Musician

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    Good call on the smell thing, cm81990. I didn't even think of that. Sometimes, I get the feeling like the smell of a man would be kinky too, but I adore the smell and taste of a woman.

    I masturbated to a guy earlier today, and on some level it felt forced, but arousing. I kissed a man once, and it felt like kissing cardboard. So maybe I'm not gay. Though I don't know how much of a test that is. And I fooled around with my brother when I was younger on numerous occasions (you know how siblings are, I guess). And I thought I grew out of that, like over 10 years ago.

    I don't always like to believe things are black and white (straight or gay). I just would like to assure myself things are alright, that my numerous loves for women weren't all lies, and that I can go ahead, have a good relationship with my girl in spite of my arousals (meaning that I'm more straight than gay), and hopefully get married and have a good life with her.
     
    #3 Musician, Feb 8, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2013
  4. TyRawr

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    I think a lot of your questions and answers you are giving yourself are tied to your self worth. First of all

    -you are not broken
    -you are not perverted
    -you are not weird

    There are plenty of people just like you that go through the same confused. What we do know from the situation is you are defiantly NOT straight. Maybe bi-curious, but not totally straight. The real question is, are you ok with that?
     
  5. Musician

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    I'm totally ok with it. I understand that very few of us are on the completely straight/gay ends of the spectrum. That's not a problem.

    I just want to know if it is possible for me to have my relationship with my girlfriend. Like, will I be one of those married men with 2 kids and a puppy who gets up and leaves because he is really gay and has suppressed it. I spent my whole life masturbating to women (up until the past year), and now I'm confused.

    And my girl is hot and I'm attracted to her, but it's not as kinky as my fantasies. And I've always been attracted to women, period. But now, confused. It's like the second I got a beautiful girlfriend in my life I feel like I can't have her because I'm gay or something. Like being totally cheated.
     
  6. pinklov3ly

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    It could be that you're thinking about it too much, which is causing you to freak out. There's nothing wrong with being gay and or bisexual-which you may be IMO. I often talk to my brother and our mutual friend about being gay and they're both straight. A straight man would not get off thinking of another man, so perhaps you may want to explore your feelings. And I'm glad that you're being honest with your girlfriend as she could turn out to be your biggest supporter. Hang in there, it'll be okay (*hug*)
     
  7. MartyK

    MartyK Guest

    I'd imagine that a very small percentage of people go through life without having sexual thoughts about both the opposite and same sex. I'd imagine even fewer would admit to it or even go in search of an answer why they feel sexual desire towards the sex they don't usually find themselves attracted to.

    You seem to me like you're the typically straight guy but you're a little less insecure about your true feelings and desires.
     
  8. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    I think we should stop telling people that "very few people" are completely gay or straight. There's no evidence to suggest otherwise. In reality, some people are straight, some are bi, and some are gay. This whole notion that everyone can swing both ways is ridiculous and gives fire to religious rights groups that think gay is a choice. It is not a choice. If sexuality was truly flexible and existed on a vast spectrum, you wouldn't see the number of suicides, broken marriages (trying to be straight), being kicked out of the house, disowned by your family, loss of job, loss of friends, etc. I think a lot of us may be open to try something or experiment, but that doesn't always match what we truly feel inside. I know many including myself who have tried and tried with the opposite sex and have failed miserably to experience any ounce of attraction to them. If you kissed another guy and felt nothing, then still feel you are straight but it's your OCD confusing thing. OCD is a real thing and yes people can truly have HOCD.
     
  9. Yogabear

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    I dealth with a similar mix of feelings not all that long ago with my relationship, so know exactly where you are coming from on this internal conflict. A question should come to your mind like what is it about men that attracts you to them? Forme that this wasn't a question cause I have always been physically whether visual or mentally attracted to men. When did this attraction occur like fairly recent or thoroughout your life? Seeing whether or not here are other factors to accoun like psychological, social or whatever that could have altered your reality of the situation. These two questions will eliminate doubt in your mind to figure out whether its you or just something clouding your judgement. Keeping that in mind that you can't probably see yourself in an emotional connection/relationship with a man right?

    From the insights you gleam from above then you will learn more about yourself because nobody can determine that information except for you. We don't probably have the patience to guess from left or right to up and down on your rearing and other psychological reasons for your attraction for men. We can speculate from our experiences whether homosexual, bicurious, bisexual or hetrosexuals on which or any fluxuations you fall inside of in your orientation. Perhaps do like I did go to an quizfarm.com type 'Gay' to see a few quizes for some rest off your mind. You also have to ask yourself like what relationship like direct/direct would be more like a homosexual coupling but indirect-direct is hetrosexual in communication and overall thatto me isn't controvercial of a statement to make. Maybe these ideas will help you resolve some internal conflict within yourself and your relationship!

    Finally, my assessment of what little that I know about you is that your bicurious. This is perfectly normal considering your age like midtwenties to midthirties lots of guys try varing sexual experience at this period of time perhaps even before then as well. I believe that your ultimately a hetrosexual especially not liking kissing guys, exclusive physical attraction, and the smell that is all to some degree genetic my friend. I'm a former bisexual man, so have a little of both experiences of being with a man and woman and you fall in the hetro camp for sure. Its no like you doubt your gender right e.g. masculinity completely or act contrary to it correct? This to me is a sign of being mre open is an indicator that your perhaps like me turning homo not born homo just self-realizing that I was always homo cause of not fitting correctly with hetrosexual relationships as I should. If I can help further you can write me on my wall or just stop by and say "Hey!"


    Good luck,
    Peter
     
  10. TyRawr

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    HOCD, is an invention of conservative christians, there is very little evidence to suggest that it actually has any basis in truth, and anyone that uses that as an excuses is holding on to their straight identity with dear life, and Im actually really offended by what CM81990 said. I do think there are sexually fluid beings, and like it or not there is a lot of hard-core evidence to suggest that sexuality is a spectrum, and we all fall somewhere on that spectrum, and my advice to you would be to learn more about yourself, and not be so overwhelmed by the notion that you may or may not be gay. It doesn't sound like you are %100 of either, but it would be good to know exactly how much you swing to one direction then the other, the trick is, getting to know and love yourself, and accept it.

    It doesn't sound like you totally are ok with the fact you like guys. I would suggest reflecting on it, and meditation on what you want the future to look like, and then whether the feelings in your mind and heart are congruent with that image.

    And again, Im am all love and rainbows when it comes to most things, as many people on this site can probably tell you, and you have to realize that a lot of the people on EC giving advice are just as confused and questioning as you, and even if they are not there are a lot of people with a whole mountain of other issues they havent dealt with getting in the way of giving advice.
     
  11. cm81990

    cm81990 Guest

    HOCD is actually a real form of OCD, although it probably be more accurate to label it "sexual orientation OCD." I never said there weren't any sexually fluid beings... However, this idea that most are sexually fluid or that sexual fluidity is such a common thing has never been verified scientifically. For all I know, it could be a small minority of people within a minority. Sexuality "can" be fluid for some, but perhaps not for most or all. Alfred Kinsey documented sexual behavior, NOT sexual orientation on a spectrum. So while I agree there is somewhat of a spectrum, I personally don't believe it's a very wide spectrum. You really are either straight, gay, or bi. Within bisexuality, you may have slight preferences one way or the other. But I don't understand this 80/20 or 90/10 gay/straight ratios... How does that even work?

    Speaking of conservative Christians, people who are bisexual that labels themselves "gay" or "straight" unintentionally give fire to religious rights groups who believe being gay is a choice and you can easily become straight. In fact, several conservative Christian groups promote this notion that everyone is sexually fluid and the Kinsey Scale for their conversion therapy agendas!!

    As for the OP's concerns, if you aren't visually turned on by men, don't enjoy the smell of them, and feel absolutely nothing when kissing them, then you are most likely straight. Our minds are powerful manipulators. I could probably masturbate to the thought of a woman, and even though it may be a sexy thought, in real life (aka public) they do absolutely nothing for me sexually. No attraction, no desire. It's okay. We humans are curious... and curious doesn't always mean bisexual.
     
    #11 cm81990, Feb 9, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 9, 2013
  12. nevashiva

    nevashiva Guest

    I think whats pretty standard for straight guys is that they like girls bodies, but don't like girls minds...thats kinda of like the cliche, so no I think you are straight.

    I think there is even a word for the that type of girl, a 'bloke girl'.

    My opinion though.
     
  13. Musician

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    Hey everybody,

    Sorry for the delayed reply. I really appreciate your thoughtful comments. Right now, I'm in serious therapy because I felt the need to resolve my issues. Actually, looking back on this post, it's become more and more clear how heterosexual I am. The only sort of issue now is that I have a strong pull to have intimate connection with men, to make love to them, and so on. And I fantasize about them much more than women (and it bugs me), and it feels romantically good. So maybe I'm a Kinsey 1. The reason I say it bugs me and that I'm only a Kinsey 1, if anything, is because when I turn my mind to women, I immediately get way more aroused, and it feels so right, whereas getting sexually stimulated to the thought of a guy feels really much worse to me.

    So my question: Why am I having this pull towards guys? That I would do ANYTHING for them, in spite of the fact that sexually I have always been and still am much more aroused by women. Do you think it could be an outlet for being possessive over friends when I was a kid, because I had trouble making/keeping them back then? Or am I innately heterosexual homoromantic? Do you think it could be just a psychological issue (the homoromantic part), that can be resolved?

    I'd love to be on the same page in my sexual orientation, whether either gay or straight. I hate the idea of being split like that. And if sexual orientation doesn't change, then maybe I can be heterosexual/heteroromantic. If I were homosexual, I would be happy to be both homosexual/homoromantic, but I'm not, so I'd like to be on the same page in my heterosexuality.