Hello, I’m twenty two, and I am entirely uncertain as to which sex I prefer. A little background is in order, I suppose- forgive me if I’m blunt, anonymity lends itself well to such distasteful talk. I’ve slept with five guys now, and never so much as laid my hand on a woman. I have had several rather intense crushes on men in the past (all in my teen years, nothing recently), never on the opposite gender, though. I have never been in a “real” relationship. Now, the trouble is, I’m not sure if I simply like the concept of being with another guy, or if I really am capable of such a relationship. I enjoy the attentions of men, and certainly their touch . . . but I literally cannot become erect with a male partner. I have never, err, finished, with another guy before. At first I presumed it to be performance anxiety, but after having the same experience again and again, not feeling nervous or “wrong” in the slightest, I’m not so sure, anymore. I don't really enjoy being the receptive partner in anal, either. So, not having felt an intense emotional attraction to another guy in years now, and with my more recent sexual experiences, I have become utterly confused. I should also mention that I stopped looking at porn (exclusively gay) about one month ago. I have yet to feel any attraction for, or interest in, women- and yet my sex drive for men has collapsed. Is this normal? Can a phase last half of one's thus-far life? This whole thing is causing me a great deal of anxiety. I've assumed my homosexuality for years now, and it's not that I'm effeminate or flamboyant . . . but my entire identity is tied to being gay. I don't know what to do, and sexual gratification -solo-is becoming extremely mechanical. It “just” feels good- there's no fantasies, anymore.
Hi, and welcome. Based on what you've said, I don't think there's any question you're gay. But I suspect that there are some emotional/intimacy/psychological issues that are making it difficult to get and stay aroused among other men. That isn't uncommon. I would suggest that seeing a therapist, one with experience in sexual dysfunction, could be very helpful. A lot of times there are unconscious issues that can play into the experience of being emotionally and physically intimate with someone, and that can affect not only arousal but attraction and everything else you describe. It should not be too difficult to explore and resolve with a bit of help.
