So I’ve already posted that I’m really confused about my sexuality on here before. I’m probably gay but can’t help but having major doubts bouncing back and fourth between gay and straight, hoping that it’s a bad dream – internalized homophobia I know. Anyway I need advice because I feel like my heart is split between 3 people (between my boyfriend, my straight female best friend and a female acquaintance) in what I call a ‘vicious cycle’. I just don’t know who I love anymore and what I’m feeling so I need help. Boyfriend I love him, love cuddling and kissing him (lol and zoning out on girls at the same time) but have trouble being intimate with because of my doubts and feelings with girls. I guess it doesn’t help that he’s inexperienced in relationships, on top of the fact that I’m a terrible communicator. He’s a selfish lover and quite frankly my mind does wonder out to girls when were intimate – however I can’t stop thinking I love him when I see how much he likes me. I also told him about the whole girl thing - he took it ok except for the fact that he thinks I'm straight and kidding myself. However, he's also told me he would never marry me because he's afraid I'd leave him for women.He's one of my first boyfriends so maybe I just haven't met the right guy.... but how many guys do you have to go through.... Best Friend So I’ve been friends with her since middle school (I'm 21 now). I've had butterflies for her and thought I had a chance with her since she claimed to be bisexual for a while in high school. However although I’ve always felt that she sent me mixed messages, she rejected me and went back to “being straight”. She’s since moved away but I feel overly attached to her and still talk to her way more than I should. Now she feels guilty because she thinks she confused me – which always makes me feel like I’m a huge pervert and that being gay is wrong. She can’t seem to understand how she “came back to being straight” and I’m stuck. She knows I still like her and tolerates it I guess. Alternatively I feel like I ruined our friendship. I miss the innocence but I also know how I feel about her now. I cried so hard last night thinking about her last night that I puked! Acquaintance So call it projection but this girl is definitely my type as she is also blonde like my bff was. When I first got to know her I was just barely hanging in there because of what happened with my bff so although I immediately took to her, I tried suppressing my feelings – which ended up expressing themselves in endless awkward encounters with her. I can’t keep my eyes off of her. Now we’re friends I guess but I can’t help daydreaming about her. Anyhow she’s everything I’d ever picture wanting in a man but I’m guessing she’s straight because that’s usually what happens with me. The problem Now I know I have no chances with my “girl-crushes”. The problem is that I don’t know what they mean. All I know is that I can’t let my best friend go – even though she’s making me loathe myself so bad – I know its unhealthy but I can’t. I also feel so guilty because I always feel the urge to go reach out to both my girl-crushes – especially when I fight with my boyfriend. So then it’s embarrassing but when I do reach out to my acquaintance I’ll feel an extreme rush when I’m with her but then I’ll also be left feeling really depressed when she's gone. So when it’s time to go back to reality that's usually when I get back to my boyfriend and hit the sack - which is really confusing. Sometimes I can't tell if the feeling I get while I'm with these girls is excitement, disgust or depression - it's so sad. It’s a vicious cycle. I know it’s wrong for me to talk to both of this girls (because let’s face it if they were men they’d make my boyfriend really jealous), but I can’t help it. It's like dopamine! Or supplemental love when my bf is gone? I don't know. All I know is that I want to stay true to my boyfriend but somehow these stupid girls keep popping up and shaking my world. I must say I haven't been dating many guys - the fact that my emotional needs are getting fed by these girls probably doesn't help So what I guess I'm trying to ask is why do I keep going to see these girls? Is it possible that I'm kidding myself and actually just like getting hurt and actually straight? Do I even want anyone of them? Sorry for the long post!
Doesn't seem like you're kidding yourself about these feelings. It sounds like you haven't fully recovered from your best friend rejecting you and that you jumped into another relationship in which you can't give your all due to the lingering doubts and feelings you have for other girls. I can't give you advice on what to do in this situation, but that is what I see.
It's just really confusing. I know that I'm definitely probably still hung up on my best friend. Frankly I should stop talking to her. I feel like she just turned me off women - so if I were really gay I couldn't even tell. Call me clueless , but I just don't know why I keep seeing the other girl rather than my boyfriend. Can I even be straight after all of this?
I would say you are at least bisexual. It doesn't sound like you're very interested in your boyfriend sexually at all, but that may be an emotional incompatibility thing?
