Am I really attracted to women or am I holding a grudge against both genders?

Hey everyone, I am 21 years old and have never been in a relationship due to low self-esteem and childhood trauma. I know I like guys and would love to have a boyfriend someday but since I turned 19, I've been questioning my sexuality. Could I be bisexual? What follows is a life story summary that may have had something to do with shaping my sexuality.

Some older boy took advantage of me when I was 5 at a family friends’ basement. We didn’t have sex but we lied down on a couch and he fingered me and forced me to do the same to him. It felt weird but good at the same time and I thought he loved me and that we were going to get married when we got older. We were the only ones there, but each time someone came downstairs, he would just stop, take my hand away and get up from the couch. When it was time for me to leave, he made me promise to never tell anyone and that it was our little secret.

My father was really bad at hiding his porn VHS and digital pictures (still is!) and I regret seeing naked women doing all sorts of nasty things at a young age; I was unprepared for it, it traumatized me and made me ashamed of my gender. I never spoke about it to my parents because I was afraid that they would scold me for taking a peek at them, when clearly it was an accident. It had a powerful effect on me; I remember crying hysterically after watching what seemed like 3 min of a kamasutra video when I was home alone. I think I was 11, and I was searching for one of my Pokemon recorded video cassettes and I had to play all of our VHS because they weren’t labeled and I just came across that thing. It was always by accident, never by curiosity. I was so confused; what was something like this doing in my home? Later, I discovered that they belonged to my father and I became disgusted at him because I didn't understand how he could own these things when he had my mother. Didn’t he love her? Why did he need to look at other women doing suggestive poses, wasn’t my mother pretty enough for him? A couple of years later, while I was in my pre-teens, my mother discovered that he had an affair with a younger woman. We had a lot of evidence, some were even found by me (such as penis enlargement pills hidden inside his car.) I really hated this woman, whoever she was. I would always be my mom’s shoulder to cry on. I never had the courage to express my disappointment to my dad; my mom would discuss these ‘’adult’’ things with my dad while I was not at home. My mother would often tell me that men are pigs and that they will take advantage of you.

I used to be a very girly girl, I loved to dress up in pretty things and play with Barbie dolls but I felt uncomfortable with my female body, I didn't like wearing jeans because they would show the shape of my thighs and I would ask my mom to buy my pants from the boys department. I still don't feel comfortable with having breasts and curves, but not to the extent that I think was born to be a man. I also have a problem with males checking out my body; if a stranger whistles at me, I get very offended. I feel uncomfortable walking around in public in short shorts when there are men around because I feel like prey for them. I hate wearing bathing suits in the presence of boys (especially my dad) and always walk around with my towel wrapped around under my armpits. Actually, if I’m at my swimming pool and my dad is around, I don’t even bother changing into my swimsuit, I swim with my clothes on. When I used to go clubbing with my girls (where I live, the legal age for clubbing is 18), I would NEVER let a guy touch me. I always wondered why my friends were into that sort of thing; making out and grinding with total strangers who clearly don’t love them, they’re just looking for something to dry hump. I actually felt sorry that they have grown up and become sexual beings. One time, all my friends left me alone on the dance floor and I had a terrible experience; I had 3 different guys on me and it was the worst thing in the world. I did feel aroused, but that’s just my body reacting to being touched. I felt dirty and abused; I didn’t feel human, I felt like a sexual object on display. I just pushed those guys away from me and ran to the girls’ bathroom and started crying.

I think I developed a fear and hatred of men, but still, I fantasize about being in a relationship with one. It has not prevented me from falling in love with one, say plenty of guys. Being in love makes me feel alive; it’s the best feeling in the world! I get so excited when I’m thinking about a boy I like, but I don’t have the courage to go near him because I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of being dumped for a better looking girl. I’m afraid of not being sexy enough. I feel like I’m a poor excuse for a woman. What always happens is that the guy I’m crushing on would show interest in me and then out of nowhere, I would get angry at him and turn into a bitch. My self-esteem would go down to 0, I would get extremely nervous and then I do everything in my power to avoid him. In real life, it seems like I despise that person but actually I am crazy about him; I long for his touch, I would be the happiest person on earth if he was my boyfriend. I just have a crappy way of showing love. It’s like I can’t be intimate with someone in real life so I have to resort to my imagination. It’s generally enough to keep me happy but then the time would come when I realize that I have wasted all this time fantasizing instead of making an effort to get the guy and now he has moved on and I screwed up my chances with him.

Now this is where my same-sex attraction issues come along…When I was 19, one of the guys who moved on from me, really hurt me (unintentially, I hope). I was very attracted to him and was still pretty much in love with him even after not seeing him for a while. One day, I just logged on onto Facebook and was shocked at some pictures taken of him and a couple of girls in bikinis. They were all over him, doing all sorts of sexy poses to the camera, much like the suggestive pictures my dad owned except they weren’t completely naked. I felt like something has died in me. I imagined being in the same location with them and in my bathing suit and how out of place I’d look. I’d never show off my breasts and ass like that, are you kidding? I’d just be smiling with my towel wrapped around underneath my armpits. I felt like they were superior beings to me and I can’t compete with that. I became extremely jealous and wanted to chop off their face, breasts and hips. Then I was proud of myself for not letting this ass hole into my life.

While I was still grieving about this, two other things have happened soon after that made me start questioning my sexuality. First thing that ringed an alarm in my head was my mom saying that a friend of hers thinks that her son is gay because he never had a girlfriend. I never had a boyfriend and I wondered if she was in fact expressing her thoughts about me but indirectly. Then I started worrying that maybe she suspects that my best friend is my girlfriend because we spend a lot of time together. The other thing that happened was while I was in my room calmly watching America’s Next Top Model, they were showing the contestants at the beach in their bikinis practicing sexy poses and my dad just walked in from behind me and startled me. In a teasing voice he asked me what I was watching. First I felt angry because not everyone who watches women sees them in a sexual/perverted way like you do, dad. And then I felt ashamed because it brought back memories of my childhood when I would fear that my parents would discover that I have just seen naked women and I it felt like I was caught red handed. I had a panic attack and told him that it’s not what it seems. That day was the last time I felt comfortable while watching good looking women with my parents.

When I returned back to school, I noticed a change in me. The first change was physical; I spent little time on my appearance. Before I always had to have my makeup on and would wake up extra early to do my hair. Now I just don’t care anymore, I haven’t worn makeup for 3 years (or a dress). The other change was psychological; I started noticing other girls and how hot some of them were. I started staring at the shape of their breasts and hips, actually admiring their physique. It felt awkward, but I just couldn’t look away. ‘’So that’s what my dad sees’’, I would think to myself. Then I started worrying that these girls were noticing me checking them out, I didn’t want them to think I was gay, that would be awkward. Wait, was I gay? Then, why am I getting nervous around girls I find pretty? Do I have a crush on her and won’t admit it? What is going on with me, where did this come from?

I thought people knew their sexual orientation at a very young age. I always had crushes on boys; I never questioned my sexuality to that extent before. I was aware that gays existed, even watched the gay parade with my family on TV at a young age and always wondered how it was possible to like the same gender. When I was 16, we even had a gay and lesbian person come at our school and I never made a big deal about it. Were those same-sex attractions I was getting?

Then last year, I met a girl and instantly found her to be the most perfect being in the world. She was just too good to be true; she was gorgeous, funny, kind, smart, had huge confidence and I just loved the sound of her voice. I liked her a lot, but I couldn’t stand her! I don’t know why, I found her to be really intimidating, she was like a goddess and I felt like I was not worthy to be in her presence. I hated her! She was everything I wanted to be. I felt like she was a better version of me. I’d get so nervous when she would be near me. Do I have a crush on her? Quit being so perfect! When I would come home, I would be completely depressed; I’d look at the mirror and ask myself if I was gay and cry. I began avoiding that girl out of shame and fear. Then when I least expected it, I met the funniest, smartest guy ever and soon fell deeply in love with him. My old hatred/avoidance routine followed with him but it made me feel relieved to know that I still loved men. What I felt for him was different from what I felt for her. When I would think of him, my soul would just light up, I would smile and feel so much happiness. The world was such a better place with him in it; I really wish he was my boyfriend and I was always looking forward to seeing him. When I would think of her, I would grimace and feel confusion and dread. Was I being in denial of my bisexuality? I never fantasized about her out of fear that I might like it, but I fantasized about him a lot. I once had a dream about her; we were workmates at a clothing store and the guy who broke with heart when I was 19 came in to see me but fell in love with her at first sight and would just completely ignore me and that made me really sad.

Anyways, struggling with my sexuality is HANDS DOWN the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I never expected this as a child, I wish I had some other type of struggle, this is just too much for me and is ruining my life. I lost pleasure in everything I enjoyed before and was getting suicidal because of the possibility that I might like girls and the consequences of it. I’m really terrible at hiding my emotions and my parents noticed that something was wrong with me. They aren’t religious homophobes but they do think that homosexuality is a mental disorder and therefore not normal. 2 months ago, my parents came up to me and told me that they think I am hiding something from them. I just couldn’t hold it all to myself anymore; I straight up told them in tears that I THINK I MIGHT BE GAY. I know I can’t completely be gay but I’d rather exaggerate with the worst case scenario to not give them any hope and to see their reaction just to get over the fear of coming out (seriously guys, I don’t know how some of you can stay in the closet for so long.)

Of course their reaction was a bad one, but I expected worse. It’s funny because instead of thinking about how I feel, and how hard it must be for me to have kept this secret for so long and have no one to talk to, they were thinking about HOW IT MAKES THEM FEEL. Neither of them came to give me a hug while I was crying, both of my parents had a disgusted look on their faces, I would never forget their faces. My dad told me that he wasn’t ready for this and it’s too much to handle for him and he broke his glasses and my mom straight up went into my face with crazy eyes and confronted me telling me ‘’you like girls, HUH!?’’ She was like a total school bully, I just responded with ‘’I don’t know!!’’ then she just collapsed on the floor and started crying. I don’t know why but I told them that I was sorry, and that I never wanted to hurt them and I just wanted them to still love me. Then I just went into my room and cried myself to sleep. It was the most horrible day of my life, it was worse than a nightmare because it was real and I couldn’t wake up from it, I wanted to die. The next day, the whole house was quiet, my father refused to talk to me and my mom just had this disapproving look on her face and in a sad tone would keep telling me that I have changed and that she wants me back. That really hurt my feelings, why must it have to be about them? My dad says he’s not ready for this and my mom wants me back, narcissism much? Well I guess I’m luckier than some people because I wasn’t kicked out of home and slowly things started getting back to normal between me and my parents. They ended up telling me that they love me no matter what, but I think that that’s just BS. We just ignore the issue of homosexuality and my mom is in huge denial. She keeps telling me that she saw a cute guy the other day even when I told her I might be gay and keeps reminding me that I’m a girl (because according to her all lesbians are girls who think they are boys.)

Life is just great! So guys, what do you think? Am I straight or bisexual?

 

Thanks everyone for the input! I'm actually seeing a psychiatrist because I have other issues not related to figuring out my sexuality (I have borderline personality disorder and OCD) but I've never really discussed these things with him because I feel uncomfortable doing so face-to-face...for now. Still not so sure if I am truly bi or that I have intense girl crushes...or intense jealousy perhaps?

Sometimes when I’m fantasizing about a guy I like, I try to switch him up with a sexy girl and my brain instantly stops enjoying the thought. No matter how hard I try, I can’t picture myself being extremely happy with a girl, no matter how attractive I find her to be. There’s like no romance involved, it just feels fake and like I’m forcing myself to enjoy it. I feel like I’m being raped by her.

Funny thing is that before I began questioning my sexuality, I was obsessing that others may perceive me as being aroused by females. The comment my dad made to me while I was watching ANTM really changed my view about how I perceive women. I really didn’t want people to think that I was looking at women in a perverted way like my father was (and at the time, I wasn’t.) I am disgusted by straight men because I don’t approve when they hypersexualize females, why would I want to be like them?

Growing up, I would always hear my dad commenting on how unattractive my mom is. Each time a good looking girl would be on TV, he would always compare that girl’s beauty with my mother’s, telling my mom that she should lose weight, get bigger breasts, get wrinkle reduction yadda yadda

When I was 13, I discovered a website where you post pictures of yourself and get rated by strangers. I took plenty of pictures of myself and posted the best ones and was pretty confident that I would get good feedback but I was wrong! People said the meanest things to me, they said that I was hideous, that I was rated a 3/10, that my eyebrows looked like caterpillars and that I should get killed with fire. These comments really hurt my feelings and I started to believe that what they were saying was true and viewed myself as ugly and worthless. I wasn’t popular on that website at all, and few people only came there to bash me. Then I looked through other people’s posts and saw that someone was getting a lot of replies and I was curious to know who that was. I found pictures of a 20 or something year old girl who I admit, was absolutely gorgeous and she got only positive feedback on her looks. Everyone was complementing her, telling her that she was the most beautiful girl they ever saw. I was jealous and wished that people would say the same thing to me, so what I did was that I saved all of her pictures in a folder, went to another chat/photo rating website and pretended to be her. The attention I got was overwhelming! I never felt so liked, so popular in my life. Guys were flirting with me, something that never happened to me before! They were being so nice to me! I even got a lesbian to talk to me but I told her I wasn’t interested. So I was living this double life on the internet, I came up with a name for her, a job, a life and was consistent with it. She was like my Barbie doll and I was playing make-believe with her and the real world and everything was perfect. I was more excited to pretend that I was her and chat with strangers than being plain old me on msn and chat with my real life friends. This thing went on for half a year until something unexpected happened. There was this older guy who I really enjoyed chatting with because he made me feel extra special. He finally told me that he would be sending pics of himself to me. The pics that were sent didn’t show his face…not even close; I think there were about 20 pictures of his dick having an erection next to his computer with our chat screen/or pictures of my fake-self open. Keep in mind that I was 13. Anyways that marked the end of my double life.

When I was in my teens, I had this huge obsession with Lindsay Lohan. I had ALL of her movies and my bedroom was covered with posters with her. To me, she was the most beautiful actress ever and she was my role model. I’d always stare at pictures of her and admire her beauty. I even dyed my hair ginger just so I could be one step closer to looking like her. The thought that I was attracted to her never crossed my mind because it wasn’t about her, it was about me wanting to be her. I actually wanted to get face and body surgery to look exactly like her or to wake up one day and be her. I’d have a picture of her with me and look in the mirror and compare ourselves to find any resemblance.

Each time after watching Miss USA/Universe or the Victoria’s Secret Show with my mother, I would complain and cry because I wasn’t as good looking as the models were. I’d get really angry at the models because they were flaunting their good looks as though they better than me and my mother just cause they were prettier. What made me even angrier is that my dad would join in and I knew he was more interested in their bodies than in the actual show or costumes. I would tell myself that “it’s women like you like who drive men away from their wives.” I feel that for a woman to be truly successful as a woman and keep a man with her, she must be extremely good looking and sexual.

Now here’s the weird part which will make me sound like a creep. Remember that girl that I couldn’t stand because she was too perfect? Well, I started copying her style and my hair looks a lot like hers now. Sometimes when I talk, I feel like I have her voice. I feel like I am becoming her. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I saw her a couple of days ago and we made eye contact and I felt extremely nervous. We didn’t talk thank goodness because I would be a nervous wreck and I don’t think I could mutter a word. I really froze in front of her, I don’t know why but I felt like crying. I felt awful, just awful to see her again.

I also did something 2 months ago that I am not proud of. I was depressed because I ruined my chances with a guy that I was deeply interested in and I was meeting my best friend (a straight girl) who I didn’t see for a while. She was the only one who knew about my crush and I don’t know why but I started feeling attracted to her and I flirted with her and was extra touchy feely with her. I could sense that she was uncomfortable by the sound of her voice and mannerisms; I was uncomfortable as well but was happy because all this time I kept thinking about that one guy. It’s like I was pretending that I was with him instead of her. Anyways I had the urge to kiss her just to test if I would like it. I didn’t kiss her because of common sense, she was my best friend after all, we’ve known each other for years and I know that this would ruin our friendship. Anyways I came home confused and even more depressed than before. Now I feel like my best friend is keeping her distance from me because of the way I acted. I think she suspects that I am bi and that I have the hots for her. We haven’t seen each other since then. I’m not even sure if I like her that way, I tried picturing us cuddling together and it feels awkward. I wish I was asexual, I’m tired of dealing with this.

 

Sorry for writing a novel, I'm just trying to dig up through past memories that might prove that I am straight or bi.

I think this summer I will visit a gay bar (where I live in Canada, there's a gay district) and I'm going to see if I truly like girls. I don't know if I just like to admire their beauty or actually be with them. Is it weird to ask someone to kiss you so you could figure out your sexual orientation? I've also never had my first kiss so I have nothing to compare it to. If I liked the kiss, does it mean I'm bi? I really don't want to have sex with strangers, especially if there's no emotional connection so i'll scratch that off my list. I wish there was some kind of genetic test that would prove my true sexuality, I'm tired of struggling with it.

Also I wish my mom would stop asking me when I'll be normal. It really pisses me off that being heterosexual is so important to her. I honestly want to rebel against her beliefs and make out with a girl in front of her. I'm not a puppet, I can do whatever I want with my life whether you like it or not. It breaks my heart to see that she disapproves of this. Maybe if my parents were more accepting of differences, I wouldn't be struggling with finding out. She also keeps reminding me that I am girl every other day. This Christmas, I bought myself Far Cry3 and she was mad at me for not buying cute clothes instead. I do what I want with my money and buying video games does not turn you gay!

 

Thanks for the replies! I'm so glad someone can relate to me.

For every good-looking girl I see, I get angry at her and I want nothing to do with her. If she comes to talk to me, I get very scared and insanely nervous and afterwards when I'm no longer with her, I feel embarrassed about the way I acted in front of her.

I don't know if this anger is because of jealousy/envy and the fear of an ''imaginary boyfriend'' breaking up with me to be with her because she's better looking OR if this anger is towards myself because I am attracted to that person and don't want to be and that I'm afraid of being ridiculed by her and others for liking girls.

Do you believe that sexual orientation is innate such that it's written somewhere in our genes or that it is the result of life experiences that make the subconscious mind believe you like a certain gender (or both genders in my case)? Sometimes I think that most people are heterosexual because they were raised by society to be so and have learned to become straight. Where does sexuality come from?

I remember at 16, when a gay and lesbian person showed up at my high school to talk about homophobia, I always wondered how was it possible for people to like the same gender. I really thought people chose to be gay because they were angry at the opposite gender. Now I know that's not the case and sometimes I think that I'm in denial. All I know is that I've never been in love with a girl. Attracted, maybe, but never in love as if i'd give everything just to be with her. I watched a coming out video (High School Senior "Comes Out" in Assembly - YouTube) and was in tears. I just don't know anymore, I just want to be happy and in peace with myself and the world.