I'm gay. No one knows i'm gay. I'm 18 years old. I have a best friend, we've been best friends since 10th grade. For the most part I always though of him as just a friend. A really good cool friend. He is definitely straight. I know that for a fact. Although we sometimes do gay things together, it's kind of just our humor... we would slap or grab each others asses every once in a while. We actually masturbated together once, not just us 2, us and one other friend.He left for college some time last year. I started having these feelings for him then. I became infatuated with him. *If you don't want to read details then stop reading now please* All of asudden I found him the sexiest guy in the world. I love everything about him. There was an incident that happened before he left for college. He was going to six flags and his family invited me to go with them. (I was very excited about this!) I actually believe it was during this trip that I started having these feelings for him. After the first day we stayed at a hotel room. Me and him slept in the same bed together. I fell asleep- In the middle of the night I woke up. Idk what came over me but I started feeling him. His ass is huge. It's completely mesmerizing. Can someone actually answer this if they have an answer; Do guys typically have big asses? Because his ass is ridiculous and i love it, and when i stare at other guys asses they usually are not big like his. Well anyway.. I couldn't help myself, and I started feeling his ass through his shorts. I was doing this for a while, trying to be subtle. Then I reached around and felt his penis through his shorts. I pulled back. I went to do it again and his arm grabbed mine and pushed it away. This scared the hell out of me. I was pretending I was asleep, but going through my head was; what the fuck is wrong with me, did I just ruin our friendship because I can't control myself?! I was really scared. The next morning we woke up and were getting ready to drive home. He talks to me and says "For some reason your hand kept touching me last night" I was really nervous and i think it showed. "really? haha" or something like that, i don't remember. then he said "yeah I just felt this (then he took his hand pretending it was mine and brought it across his thigh) and pushed your hand away. me: What? hahaha that's so weird. I may have said I move in my sleep a lot or something. I was really scared and nervous. For how long was he awake that night? I really thought our friendship would never be the same. It was weird though because that same morning I was on the bed and he tackled me and started play - wrestling with me. Right in front of his family. I was thrown off by this. We drove home, I guess I was quiet. A couple times during the ride he asked me what was wrong. I went home. He left for college a couple days later. I think in his head he knew I was gay. Our friend ship was slightly different I think. When he left for college I actually became depressed. He wasn't just some friend, we literally spent every single day together through out high school. We were always together. Now he was gone, and I didn't know what to do with myself. I actually became depressed. He came home one weekend not to long after he left and I just remember him saying "face the facts, you're gay" or something like that. I don't remember the context and it was kind of in a joking manner, but I believe he was serious. As the days went by, we talked a lot, almost every day. Either on face book, or a phone call. (I was very happy about this) Perhaps this means that even though he 'knew' I was gay, I was still his friend. I didn't want him thinking I was gay. I went to a party one night and almost had sex with a girl. He called me during the party and I told him. I was kind of drunk. I actually didn't tell him I just said "I'm having an awesome night" or something, and he said "Are you gonna have sex" or something- really bizarre. I said I might. I remember he said " use a condom" . I think this changed his mind and made him kind of overlook what happened at 6 flags. Or maybe he thought I was bi? idk. After a while I applied to his school. some months go by, I get accepted by his school. It seemed like an impossible dream because of financial issues, but I was going to be attending school with him the following semester. He came home for xmas break- it was like our friend ship was the same as it was in high school. This was great. After xmas break the two of us boarded a plane back to his/our college. We dormed together. This was literally like a dream come true for me. I was living with my best friend..../ the guy i'm kind of in love with. I realized a lot more about him too....Like I always knew he was smart, but now I realize just how smart he really is. He sometime makes me feel stupid. **Oh also maybe this is worth mentioning, even with everything else, in our friendship there is a slight rivalry thing going on. I always felt even to him, but as of recent I always feel inferior. Living with him is awesome and all (it's been about a month now) but theres a problem, it's incredibly painful living with him, being with him every day, and having these urges, and not being able to do anything about it. Like I said before I find him ridiculously attractive (which is weird because I never did before!) I love his face, his hair, his body, HIS ASS, his arms, everything. I love his voice. I actually would really like to get over him, because it would be so much easier that way. But I really can't.
"Can't" and "won't" are two different words, and it's up to you to honestly decide for yourself which you're going for. Because if you can't commit yourself to getting over him, odds are you won't expend the effort needed to actually do so. If you are intent on really getting over him, you've probably established (and wholeheartedly believe) some of these: 1) You know he's straight and realize that nothing will happen between you two. 2) His friendship is more valuable to you than anything else. 3) Trying to make a move on him will likely not go over well. That said, if you're on board with getting over him, there's a "trinity" of sorts for getting over crushes: time, distance, and distraction. Time and distance are going to be hard if you're living together. The obvious solution is to move out, but that's not necessarily viable for your situation, particularly if you'd like to remain friends with him. In less direct ways, try spending less time hanging out in your room/with him. Going off of that, distraction is the idea that you fill your mind with other things. The most obvious would be to find another guy to crush on - a gay one preferably, so you might actually have a chance of him returning your feelings. Alternatively, keep focused on your studies, join some extracurriculars, pick up new hobbies, meet new people, etc. Anything you can do to keep him off your mind. I know that's obviously all a lot easier said than done - I thought the same thing when I joined here and I was told that. And it really is painful and might suck to have to get over it. But if you commit to it, it really does work.
Everything BudderMC said, I couldn't have said it better. It's kind of a sweet story, despite.. ya know. Also, maybe you should come out to him.. But in a way that isn't coming on to him, and you know the boundaries. Is he the kinda guy that rejects gays?
Are you gay or are you just madly in love with this one individual? Have you seen other guys you like or any girls you like? If you did end up with this guy your friendship will never be the same again. I don't know you are him so i can't really say do this are that and this is what i think the outcome will be but i will tell you to take a few things into perspective and then make a decision. Some things are best left unsaid but a relationship of any kind can only good if it's mutual.
Thank you for the responses, I have to post this quick. (me and him are about to make breakfast haha, he went out for a minute...) So the thing is, I love spending time with him, even though I do have feelings for him, we're best friends first. I don't want to spend less time with him, although I know it may be necessary to get over him. BudderMC your 1,2, and 3 are true. I've accepted all of that. He isn't a homophobe or anything like that. He is extremely open minded. However he is human and a normal straight boy, he would find it really weird finding out that through out our friend ship i've been gay the entire time. We sometimes do 'gay things' like i said before we wrestled, and sometimes if it goes to far he'll laugh and say ok too far or something. this is random but I just thought of it, he kissed me on the cheek once and it made me really happy haha. I pretended not to care.. Again thank you guys.
So today, like every day me and him hung out together. We went out into the city and just walked into random stores, just exploring the city. We got home and just hung out in my room. We're about to play video games. My point is although I do want to get over him, I still want to be his friend. I want things to be like they used to, when I wasn't so hung up on him. We hung out all the time just as friends. I feel like if he was gay then all the things in my life that i'm unhappy about (which there are a lot) wouldn't matter. I would be so immensely happy..but it's pointless to think about that. This forum is great, because I get to talk to others who understand me about things that i've been dealing with by myself, in my head... When I goto sleep at night I stay awake for at least an hour because my thoughts just go wild...I think about how I won't ever have a normal life...I think about coming out sometimes, but I think my life would be so much easier if I didn't. I don't want to be judged based on my orientation...I don't want to lose my friends..my friends are honestly everything to me....I get so frustrated....I really wish I wasn't gay....I wish I was normal...sometimes I feel like i'll never be happy.
Hey I went through the exact same thing you're going through with a friend of mine. I even moved out of state to try and get a handle on my feelings, but the longing still lingered... What worked for me is honesty. I was honest with him about my sexuality and about my feelings for him. He took it extremely well, as I feel like your friend would, based on what I've read about your friendship with him. It didn't happen right away, but after I was honest, I was able to control my feelings for him. And our friendship didn't really change at all. It was a little awkward for the first couple of weeks, but things went right back to normal after that. I will always love him, I guess, as we've been friends for like 15 years now, but I no longer feel like I'm "in love" with him. Reading your story is kinda really bittersweet as it brought back a lot of memories of what I went through, and I feel like what you share with your friend is really sweet, so I wish you the best of luck in this. Consider coming out to him as it seems like you could really use the support.
Oh ya, I know exactly what all that feels like. I have those crazy thoughts every moment of everyday, and honestly I don't see it ever changing, because for me to have peace with all this crap would be for me to have the answers to questions that just can't be answered. So say you never came out.. Would you get married and pretend to be straight? Because I couldn't do that.
I've thought about that, and the answer is no.. I wouldn't get married and pretend to be straight. I guess you could say living in the closet is like living a lie, but getting married and pretending i'm straight is on a whole other level. I'd be getting someone else involved. ---------- Post added 10th Feb 2013 at 01:28 AM ---------- So something kind of weird happened tonight. It makes me think he does know i'm gay...But then again we talk about girls...I think he definitely thinks i'm bi.. Ok so as I mentioned I really admire his butt.. I think he is aware of this haha.. so he's always randomly shaking or slapping his ass or something. Lol this will sound weird but it's just our humor. randomly he will like grab the couch or something and pretend he is getting fucked. Like he'll grab the couch or wall with both hands and just thrust back and forth.. lmao it's funny to us...anyway so tonight I was playing a video game and he did that, but he did it for a while, like he wanted me to respond somehow. so i responded by putting down my controller and tackling him and he was like laughing and saying "stop what's wrong with you" or something- so I said are you kidding you were asking for it. And then- here it comes He said "I just like to tease you" Every time he does something like that with his ass, that's exactly what he's doing, teasing me. I think he knows I admire his ass and that's why he does it... He said it like a joke but I think there was truth in it...I think he really might think i'm bi- or maybe even gay....I don't know. But I was sure thrown off by that. grr stop teasing me >_<!! It's not fair lmao.. If he does think that, then I guess it's a good thing. Because that means during all this time we've been spending together, he's known. Which means it hasn't affected our friend ship that much... Thinking back to like 11th and 12th grade, our friendship was sort of different, but it's not so bad this way....also if he does think that, that means he knew that and still wanted me to goto college and dorm with him, which I think is a good sign. Also we plan on dorming together for the next 4 years in college, he even mentioned it yesterday saying we should get a cheaper apartment for next year.... Then again this is just what I think...he may not know.....but it really does seem like he does.... I think I would actually be happy with that, if he did know but didn't really care....that wouldn't be so bad I guess..
I am in my late 40's and going through the same scenario with a good friend (who I've only know for 2 years) who has become a better friend recently and we are bonding more quickly lately. He is early 40's, but looks early 30's. He's perfect in every way; he has the perfect hair, fingers, feet/toes, teeth, voice, demeanor, loving heart. He has a perfect butt (that I've seen since we workout together); I'm just waiting to see the frontal region. I fantasize about it all the time - sometimes in a lusty way, but honestly, I just love him so much and I want to make him feel good. His girlfriend/fiancee broke up with him years ago, and he is an unattached virgin today. Sometimes the way he talks, laughs, and does things indicates he may be gay, but he comments on girls at the gym or in the car (sometimes to a degree that makes me feel he's trying to cover up [he's gay]. He's hygienically perfect, even flossing his teeth at his desk at work. I could just eat him all up. I feel like a teenager again. His Ex deals with a lot of pain, as I do - it sometimes interferes with working out or other activities. He recently started to more understand my pain, as he has referenced his Ex's pain in why he understands mine (it wasn't like that at first). He even wants to talk about it. He's starting to refer to experiences with his Ex are experiences he's now having with me; like he's on a new level of understanding with me. Hopefully, he'll understand if (the day comes) he finds out I'm falling in love with him; and hopefully he'll let me make him happy (because I would do ANYTHING for him (or to him)), even though he is a paid leader in my church and I am a volunteer leader. Sounds tricky. But Love is Love, right?
Dude, I'm going thru the same situation. I never thot to reply to a blog but yours got my attention. I'm falling for my co worker who I've hated for months...go figure. I am bi and recently (4 months ago) broke up w/my gf, he does have a girlfriend, but he gives me mixed signals.i always notice him looking at me (full eye contact) and its me who breaks the contact. He always smiles at me like he's always happy to see me. He is a very shy, quiet, but genuine guy, and I just wanna make him feel good. Not so much in a sexual way, but a caring way. Sex would be great too, but for now holding, and touching him, is all I need right now. I'm on the fence in telling him how I feel. I know he is very open minded, giving me hope that he would feel the same, but on the other hand I don't wanna ruin our friendship. Ur response is greatly appreciated.
Been there done that man! I was and still am in love with my best friend. Although we don't talk anymore because he started to notice my feelings for him as it ran him off. Your story sounds a lot like mine. All I have to say is if you know he is totally straight, then don't waste a friendship over it. You have to realize there is always a chance that if he knew you are into him it would change your friendship. Maybe if you came out to him he would still love/accept you but I wouldn't confess my love if I were you. Don't lose your best friend! There are other guys out there!
I'm in love with my asexual best friend. I've told him, but he's fine, if a little unsettled. Thank you lady Nocturnal.
Yep, same here. Just came out to my crush and told..well, he told me that he knew that I like him...I wasn't being very careful of my behavior near him. Though he's probably straight and our first week after that wad a little awkward. Our friendship remained and it even deepened by some extent. Your friend would certainly remain friends with you and would be supportive and well, one day you'd had to be honest to him. He deserves at least that much. When the time comes and you're ready... Hugs, and Good Luck!
This story is eerily familiar. Trust me, your friend would not be put off by your continued quest for his affections & sex. He has already sent you copious signals. I assumed, like you, that the risk of losing his friendship was too great, but at age 32 & with a little alcohol, I went for it, verbally. He was not the aggressor, nor did he leap for joy, but when I interpreted his conduct as reluctance he disrobed, ready for action, at the first opportunity. I am happily married, and he was, for almost 40 years we have continued to be best friends with benefits. I regret that 15 year gap every day.
Your friend seems to know that you have some kind of "thing" going for him. Rather than being homophobic and angry about it, he seems to be enjoying it and playing into it. Maybe he is just flattered and enjoying teasing you, knowing that he can do so and you enjoy it too. That is not the same thing as wanting a gay relationship with you; more like some kind of "bromance" on his part, even if it is more of an infatuation on your part, given that you are gay. The "honest" thing for you to do is to come out to him, which will probably not be a great revelation to him; he would have to be really naive to not have already figured this out by now. You could also throw in that it comes naturally to you to want to touch him and play around with him, but that you know he is not gay, so you only want to do what he is comfortable with, because your friendship is more important to you than copping a feel with him. This is being honest with him, telling him what you want to do, and opening up the decision about how far he is comfortable going with you to his limits. If he wants to ramp things up and enjoy some benefits with you, he can, but he can also tell you that his feelings about you are not reciprocal, and thereby set you free to find a boyfriend who is on the same wavelength as you if he wants to cool things off. What you are doing now is not really healthy for you long term, so even if you do find him to be an attractive and fun roommate to fool around with as you are pretending to be oriented now, it will be better to have him as a gay-fun-tolerant roommate who can support you being gay and out, when you find a gay boyfriend who IS interested in a relationship with the real you.
Thanks for this great comment. I know the thread dated 2013, but I am in this same trouble. Read through all your great replies. My question: shall we keep a great friendship and continue to suffer from very inner of your heart, every single day? All the advices above are really great to take but I still get suffered with seeing my best friend, hangout with him on all activities, but can't really feel him, can't do anything further than just looking at him from distance! Great place to share things. Thanks Andy
