It's been a while since I last posted a thread... However I felt the need to do so with this story... So I went for drinks on Friday night with some friends and eventually we ended up in the gay part of town. Now, anyone who's read my previous posts would know that I'm not out to anyone. So when we made it to a gay bar, I decided to ditch my friends and try to be myself for the night. I had a night like this last year where I eventually kissed a guy. So I snuck off from my friends and went on the hunt for guys. I found a guy in a bar and poured my heart out, telling him about how much I struggle with my sexuality, and asking him how he managed to come out to his family. Eventually he said he had to leave though... The next place I went to I got a drink and sat alone. A guy came over to me and started a conversation. He eventually asked if I'd like to kiss him. We kissed for a long time but then he said he kind of had a boyfriend and disappeared, which left me slightly hurt. A few minutes later another guy tarted chatting to me. This guy was HOT! He said he was a model, which I could definitely believe! He then told me that he was straight, but then asked for my number, which confused me slightly! I stayed out for a little bit longer then eventually went home.. So Saturday I woke up and felt terrible, and not just because of the hangover... I was dreading looking at my Facebook account or my phone, in case anyone from work had somehow seen me kissing a guy. I was shaking at the thought of it. I just felt so horrible. I also had a random thought that the model who I gave my name and number to would print posters of my number and tell everyone that I'm gay... Silly I know! So after spending most of the day worrying and panicking about anyone finding out that I'm gay, I decided to do the natural thing and have more alcohol! After more drinking I'm not as worried anymore. But I'm just annoyed that I get myself so worked up and worry so much about anyone finding out that I'm gay! Why can't I just be myself and not worry about what anyone thinks? At this rate, I honestly can't see myself ever coming out! I just don't see how I can ever stop caring about what other people think.
I have a good friend that's just like you and I push her to do things she thinks she would never do in a million years, maybe you will like them and build confidence, sort of evolve yourself,It sounds scary, I know but if you really find out who you are and not those other things you may feel more comfortable being you and stop caring what the other people think.
Sounds to me like you're selling yourself short. You did a great thing -- you went out on your own. Met a couple of cute/hot/ interesting guys. Downside -- no phone numbers, went home alone, drank too much. Your concern -- your secret might be out. Except for that last part, the rest sounds pretty good to me! So why is it your're still in the closet?
Your fears are similar to mine. Congrats on managing to actually get yourself out to meet some guys. I still can't make that leap.
Chill!!! I think everyone goes trough something like that at some point in their lives... What's the worst thing that can happen? You could be outed, then what? I doubt that people will treat you any differently than they treat you now, most of us think it will be the end of be world and that we'd be shunned whereas in truth I think it's much worse in our own minds than what real life ends up dishing out, guess people are just too concerned about heir own little lives trying to keep it all together than worry about yours. Family is sometimes a little bit harder to deal with, and that's mostly because they have dreams and expectations for you that seems to spin off into a different direction when you don't turn out to fit the straight mould on which their fantasies are built... But they too tend to come around somewhere down the line. BTW... Don't think that model was too straight and lay off the booze to feel better, that's the wrong road to travel on. Numbing yourself will not change the truth, rather face it, embrace it and live YOUR life truthfully, you only have one, better make it the best it can be!!!
I'm more worried about you getting outed later on as an alcoholic and losing your job and friends and family over that crutch. i am having a really bad night myself. so i know that this whole confusion and coming out and trying to find out how to be real and still loved and acceptable is stupid hard. no answers, no solutions...just my sympathy. hang on.
Hey, thanks for the comments guys! @PeteNJ the reason I'm still in the closet is that I'm terrified of telling people. I shock myself that I'm capable of going out to gay bars and trying to get with guys... Although when I say try, I tend to wait for guys to come over to me . Despite this, I just can't bring myself to tell my family or friends. I've had plenty of opportunities. The fact that I'm 24 and have never had a girlfriend is probably a give away. Lots of people probably suspect that I'm gay. I just don't feel comfortable with it. It makes me feel like I'm a different person because I've been portraying a straight guy for most of my life. So if I come out then who am I then? People would see me differently, and wouldn't be able to trust me because I've lied for so many years. And my friends may be uncomfortable around me. Sorry to rant for a while, but the thought of coming out just gets me really worked up. I just couldn't face it. I don't know when I'll ever be ready. @Ditz thanks for your advice. I know what you're saying makes perfect sense, but it still doesn't make it any easier for me to start living my life. It's annoying because I feel like my life has been on hold for the last 3 years. I finished university, got a job, and have done nothing but work since. My typical week is work Monday to Friday then get drunk of a weekend. I have lots of dreams and aspirations but I seem to be waiting for things to happen. No matter how much I say I'd like to change, I still don't, and I don't know why this is! @Deaf Not Blind I am not an alcoholic! I enjoy having a drink, but make sure I never have a drink when I know I've got work, so wouldn't worry about losing my job over alcohol. Thanks for the sympathy. You also have my sympathy, as its always good to have someone who knows exactly what you're going through on your side. Why can't we all just have the confidence to be who we are without worrying what others think .
I think you just said it yourself... You are waiting for things to happen... Trust me, if you do that you'll still be waiting 10 years down the line. If you really want something, if you have a dream, an aspiration, something that you want to achieve in life, figure out a way to make it happen then take the risk and go for it. It takes elephant balls to do but that's what separates those who have made it from those who haven't. What is the worst thing that can happen? It's not as if you're going to drop dead and if you do there's not much to worry about is there? Lol... no but seriously, we tend to make things much worse than they really are. As humans we are resilient, we can and do bounce back from anything. In my own experience, be prepared to fail more than you'll win, that's what gives us character and makes the successes that we eventually achieve that much bigger, so big that they outshine all our failures put together!!! As for yourself and the whole outing debate... Have you figured out what you are? If you know who and what you are without a shimmer of a doubt, and if you have accepted yourself then you've already won 90% of the battle. Coming out to family, friends and society is not a must... Your sexual orientation does not define you or who you are, don't let it dominate your thought process. Make a decision, if you know you are gay and if you know you want a boyfriend then go for it and live it. Those who find out along the way can find out, let them deal with it. Thing is, live your life truthfully, don't falsify it for anyone, it's never too late to start living an honest life and people tend to respect such a bold move more than anything else in life.
Well, if someone from work/your daily life saw you there, then trust me - you'd know you. (That's an upside to facebook - you can always trace it back.) Secondly, I feel a lot like you. I worry about the same things (except mine invole the guy being a creep. haha.) I think you should be proud that you did this. It's a big step. Continue to make these steps. Also, continue to make steps because I don't think you should be using alcohol as a means of numbing the pain. I don't want to sound like your mother, but I'm just looking out for you.
It does sound like you're relying too much on alcohol to make your problems go away, maybe try cutting down the drinking before you develop a problem.
@photoguy93 it sucks worrying about everything doesn't it! The guy being a creep is also something I worry about. I even worry when I post a thread on this site. I have a feeling that for some reason, someone I know will discover this site and read my comments, then think "wow, that sounds like my friend" and somehow work out that it's me. I know, I'm slightly crazy haha. I enjoy alcohol, I don't drink it every day, it just makes me feel better when I'm having a bad time. I don't see the harm it's doing at the moment.
