Very confused, this has been eating at me for some time.

idk, but i think we are all here trying to find out who we are. so welcome this place is pretty darn safe, you have a lot of peeps here who if they can will help you because they were helped too.

i am not a cis-gender guy, wish i was. but i know what you mean about seeing porn and wondering why that looks good and why something else does not. there has been other discussions on here about that in past. some will say if you like gay porn you must be bi or gay, but others will say it is addictive to watch things we think are taboo so our minds want more and more sensationalism (TV is kinda getting that way too ya know) and that if you watch it too much you can even not perform as well in bed. Some will say you can watch lesbian porn as a gay man and that is fine too.

So if we eliminate that porn stuff completely then it is more about your history and what you think you are attracted to and will enjoy. I don't know how old you are. I am in college so I got homework too and my gender issues have really set back my ability to concentrate. How can you care about stats when yeah grades are everything but...you don't know your sexuality! You will find a ton of us have not went all the way, and I have never officially dated, I avoided it. I could not see myself kissing even. I told myself I am a Christian and am waiting until marriage and I will find the man God made for me and that must be only man I can be with...cuz I don't find it appealing. Well, same time, I dreamed of myself fucking girls as a guy. Does that sound like a girl virgin waiting for a man of her dreams? No...I figured out in one years time on my own that some of those thoughts were put there by others...I wanted to please them and be good for them to be acceptable...but it was obviously never what I believed in. I am a faker. But see we are told anything but straight is bad...deviants are bad. So we get scared and stuff.

My best advice is read other posts, ask questions, add on threads your own experiences, and tell yourself to please not be afraid of whatever you find out bout yourself. Hey if you had been expected to go to Yale and become a lawyer with an 4.0 GPA but you discover you are a violinist and want to go to Juliard instead, you will be more happy doing your natural dreams than following dad's footsteps right? Same with our gender and sexuality...we are assumed by default to be as our families. But if we are not, it does not mean lesser, just...more of a violinist.

I hope that you will find your answers. Be patent.

 

give it time, you will find out more about yourself everyday and with every new experience.

just remember to keep an open mind and try not to dwell on it to much. Instead just go with it and you may be surprised to see what life has handed to you.

I went through the same exact same thing as you when i was younger and i wish i could go back and just let things happen on their own without me trying to fight it at every turn