i have envy of cis-guys... things you would never think when walking down a street. I don't check out their you know! I look at the hands. That is how mine are supposed to look. That guy is my height my size, I like his shoes...my chest should look like that. I get dysphoria. I buy a binder with a velcro side. pull as hard as I can. Looks flatter. I feel it with my hands, and not bad. I remmy after I had detector in airport go off they had to pat me down. A woman does it. She says miss. She rubs her hands over my chest...it goes straight down off the binding. "Thank you sir, you can go now." Sir! Too flat for a lady! Joy for a moment. I am me! Walking down the cold street to the train at Union Station a friendly black guy who looks homeless smiles and says "I understand lady it is cold out" I am dressed in all mens winter clothing, is it my face, or my fat shows in my butt, or my hands are too narrow? I feel ugh. Good days I feel like maybe I am making it all up and I am just fooling myself into something I really will be sorry if I do. Just now I happened to see on YouTube a transguy, 365th day. begins with a voice that is a woman's and a face and body not very pretty but about as feminine as mine, then i see him. He has had top surgery and did some simple weight lifting. I cried. I am still crying. He looked male. Normal. All better. It ended worse....he married his gf, they had a baby, showed her pregnant and then him holding his son. DAMN! I cried more. I don't know what to do. Mom is okay with it, I am at school for 2 1/2 more years. I could change now! I want to I think. I keep getting peeps saying don't hurry don't do it too fast. I have waited 43 years. I didn't know until this April I had any hope. I thought I must stay this way. Nobody can see me! I know it is NOT perfect. Shoot who wants surgery, or butchery! And I don't want others to think I am a freak. But I am in my dorm room alone 5 AM and crying...I want to be a man all the time...not when a Deaf girl can't hear my voice...not one random time every 6 months. I just want to go around town as a guy doing whatever and being treated as one. It aint about being better looking, or male privilege crap, or thinking all my other troubles in life like homework and job search will be easier. It will be harder. I am Christian and my church WILL see. Especially when it looks dorky to say Hi Kathy to a man. But I really want to know... What is next? I see the stupid student therapist only once a month...3 more weeks from now. This is too slow. I should see somebody now and talk about what my options are and meet others and talk about how it went for them. I am not honestly a cry baby. It just hurts so deeply...I am willing to out myself to get some help.
(*hug*) With just a few changes those could easily have been my own words. Right down to going to school older than all the other college students. It helps a lot knowing other people are going through the same thing. I've been looking at a youtube video for voice coaching myself, and the woman doing it just had her SRS and looks insanely beautiful. To make things more complicated, her relationship seems to have survived transition, where I have doubts about mine. I'm ashamed to say I have doubts as to whether I even want it to survive. Some days it feels like it'd be easier if I just went back to just keeping myself locked away and went on trying to be normal. Just being me every blue moon and then folding her up and putting her back in the closet. Even when I take her out, there's always something - my huge feet, maybe I'll really have to cake the foundation on, or I just got a haircut so I can't even do a pixie - something to remind me that no matter how hard I try my outsides just won't quite match my insides. Everyone around me would be so much happier if I just gave up all this foolishness and went on being everything to everyone again. But every time I try, something happens to remind me I didn't leave myself a way back and continuing to lie just won't work any more. I just read an article on how it might be possible one day for girls like me to give birth! I don't even want kids really, and it's probably decades away. But it made me feel, okay, I can't deny this, I really need this to happen. And it can't. I have so so much in my way. So many people in my life want me to be a guy. I don't have the job or the stability yet. I've got some good leads but I'm scared for what's going to happen after I graduate. When I look at myself in the mirror everything just seems impossibly far away. And the money! Even laser for my face is going to be more than I can afford until some of my debt's gone, and that's like the very first thing I'd need to do. You just keep on dude. You're giving me hope. I needed to read something to get me going this morning and this was it. I really hope one day you can be the man you are full time. I'm gonna put my all into being the woman I am, and doing all the other things I wanna do with my life.
Thanks. It is 6:11AM and I never slept just was sad and weepy eyed. I know I have seen fully transitioned women you can't tell they were men...no way! And I guess inside they never were, but somebody knew them as a man, somebody remembers and expected them to live as a man just because that is nature, it is how it is. But for some peeps, well I read about suicides and I don't believe in that. That is def not okay. So it is just chemicals, just one hormone. And men have both in their bodies, so enhancing one over the other, how is it BAD? If anybody friends me they can see my photos. I don't have a super feminine face. I have passed as male before, just as me. But it happens less and less, I don't know if it is the town of my school more likely is hair grows out or I ate way too much in cafeteria. But I am too depressed to work out. stupid vicious cycle. I never had a maternal feeling. Foolish women assume I dislike infants! Really! I am a loving man, why on earth do they think I don't like babies? They know I like kids, I volunteered at church to help in Kindergarten (they ban men from nursery and I asked why they wanted me but not men and they said men will rape them) but it seems that because i don't fawn over infants and want to hold the poopy things and don't have a big goofy AWWW face I must hate babies. *rolls eyes* Well, Solar Cat and me one day decided to imagine if we were cis-gender and what if we had kids of our own naturally. I saw a boy and a girl (yup i do gender em) and we were in front yard my wife was naturally in a 1950s outfit complete with apron and cooking dinner duh, and in my day dreaming i was throwing a base ball to the kids. They were smiling and laughing, and they called me dad. Dad. Daddy? Dang...yeah, I cried on that one too. Suddenly I wanted to be a father. Dang. I never had any maternal instincts...I had Paternal instincts. Makes sense, I learned a lot from my grandpa, and I see myself always teaching same way, and I guess I want to pass it on to my son. How did my mind do that? I never dated. I am not able to, as I am not a lesbian, and I maybe bisexual as a guy but asexual in this form. I really do want sex, but only as a guy. So it is kinda irritating that my mind thinks I have the parts and urges me to ask girls out now. I came out to mom at break cuz I knew I must...and God is good, she knew the word transgender and what it means! she knew about men and women both!! It was such a good thing to hear her say one time David and son. And it didn't sound weird like my birth name. i have always disliked and felt it was not my name since a kid. We had thought seriously about legally changing in elementary school it was so bad. I never thought of boy names. I guess if I transition and I never date or marry I am no worse off in that way than today! But I will attract the RIGHT kinds of attention not the ones I don't want...and I don't like hurting straight men either so I have long ago been told I gave the nicest turn down ever. (Now since i dress male i sometimes "lol are you gay??") I am glad you feel some hope from my humble statements. One day at a time, survive.
Do'h :lol: I meant "want IT to survive", the relationship. I have a lot of sympathy for the person I'm with, none of this is fair to her, but just the same it's forced me to look back at a lot of things, and she's shown kind of a controlling side to her which I'm flat out not cool with at all. I'll leave my personal drama for some other time. But it's probably a good thing to bring up. Me I'm lucky, I have a free therapist if I ever feel that low. But you're totally right, this isn't worth killing yourself over. There are so many other parts to being a human being. I've got things I want to do with my life that I haven't done yet, and they're honestly more of a priority to me than my gender or having great sex. Just that I realized I'm not going to be able to do any of those things if I'm constantly fighting with myself and keeping secrets. I've definitely always had some maternal instincts, I just think I'd be too wrapped up in other things to be a good mom. I think that's what drew me to the kinds of jobs where I make things to begin with. When I'm working on a project, that project is my kid. I know all about the sexual hang-ups. It was easy to play it off as just me taking forever - hey for a guy that's supposed to be a good thing right - but I knew what was going on when I finally closed my eyes so I could get it over with. The things the women I've been with that they expect out of a guy, I could do those things, but it was going through the motions. The person I was with felt right. She's very attractive and I'll have no problem staying aroused and interested. But I need to be held, dangit! I need to feel just as desirable as she does. Nothing I can put in words. Just that the closest I've ever come to sex that felt "right", I still ended up basically being her man, like the things I needed would just never cross her mind. Feels good to get that stuff out there every now and then.
hmm...the women i have met who know I'm not straight, are controlling. I think they assume their needs are of importance and I'm just a guy. All people want something from the other person. It shouldn't be all take. I won't get in on it on this thread but I think in a marriage you must talk abt stuff and it only survives when both compromise...not just one of them. That advise is not mine...it came from my gramma who had 43 blissful years in a monogamous straight marriage. They didn't use porn, and no french kissing either. And yes they had no need for pills, they were in love. Key is humbleness, never going to be angry, and compromise by both parties to get along. trust is built over time. now it is almost 8 am, no sleep and I want to do homework, workout and try that Queer church but i may go to bed. Idk
DeafNotBlind, I can only see the main picture in your profile, but in it I see a very handsome man. Don't let bad days make you sad. The confidence you radiate in that photo is what colors your body posture and gestures as your true, inner male. Keep that confidence, and let everyone see it.
mmm...thanks but example is the other thread i did on chitchat with a ####### of my singing voice where i explained how it was too feminine....and a guy posts it sound dreamy like a MOM...not just girl a MOM. EWWWW. not good.
You know, almost everything you said I think is pretty universal amongst trans people. I know I'd hate to be called "dad"; but I'd love looking at a little kid's face as he calls me "mommy". There are times where I see women, and it makes me so uncomfortable because I know I look nothing like that. I see a girl in a tight shirt with nice boobs- part of me is horny, cause she's hot, part of me is super jealous. And I start feeling really uncomfortable, awkward, and ugly. :/ There are days where I just can't stand talking, cause I can't stand my voice. I don't wanna move sometimes. Sometimes it feels good not to think about it; I can ignore it and feel like me. But even though thinking about it can feel like 'ew', thinking about it is how you move forward. thinking about it lets you sort out your feelings and figure yourself out. I hate those dysphoric days, where you can't feel the real you, just the you other people see. But there are days when you don't feel dysphoric at all; you just feel like the real you, and it's the best feeling in the world. And of course, no matter how you feel, it's good to have friends who can look past your body and talk to the real you, and treat you how you really are. (*hug*)
Thanks for becoming one of my most cherished friends. See? I do get along with some girls! (I won't eliminate you)
