So recently, I've been considering the possibility that I am not straight, and quite possibly not into guys at all. I haven't felt a whole lot before, as I'm not an especially social or emotional person, and so for the most part I've just kind of assumed that I was straight and if I dated or anything like that it would be with a boy. But anyway, there's this one girl who made me think about it more. And also this one thing with Felicia Day in it that I saw a couple weeks ago. xD I've never been into boys at all. Certainly not like other girls seemed to be from about 11 onwards, at that age I thought they were being silly but as I got older I realized that I was definitely the weird one for not feeling any of that. So for a while I thought that maybe I just couldn't feel that for anyone, and didn't need to. But then I realized that I could feel that, and wanted to as well... I never could really see myself with a boy either. Part of it is that I just don't like the dynamics in (healthy and successful) heterosexual relationships that I've known of and don't think I could fit in that, and part of it is just not finding them attractive. I mean, I can admire the physical beauty of some male persons in a way that's more than just being able to recognize that they have characteristics that society likes in men, but it's the same kind of admiration I have for really fit and well balanced horses, or dogs, or anything with a nice set of angles, like a cool bicycle. I don't want to touch them or have them touch me, and if there's anything more emotional it's really just that I like them as people or as an interesting character, maybe even identifying with them/wanting to be like them a bit. I get the feeling that straight girls have some desire to be held/protected included in sexual attraction somehow, and I definitely don't have that at all. I could totally, however, see myself with a girl. Once I opened that option up to myself, anyway. I would like to be with a girl in that way, and I can see liking the dynamics of something like that without a bunch of 'ifs' and 'maybes' included. Right now I'm just trying to reconcile those thoughts with my self-image. I'll think about that, and then think "no, maybe I am just thinking that for attention or something, I'm 'normal' and stuff", probably because for years I've seen things about gay people and thought that that's good, but that's not 'me'. But I still do think those things, and I'm still not into boys, and I do feel a lot freer and happier with myself when I've opened up to liking girls that way. Even though if I am gay my life will be more difficult and complicated than it would be otherwise, it feels better than feeling like I simply can't be in a relationship, and I couldn't just change that, or change myself to be someone else. I think there are a few people in my family who would think I was wrong, but they're kind of weirdly religious and I don't see them often anyway so I don't really care. I'm already an atheist and I read science fiction, so they've got a couple of strikes against me already. My parents should be pretty much ok with it, though my dad particularly might have a hard time actually accepting it. I wouldn't say anything until I'm more certain myself, and I don't want to just bring it up out of nowhere because that just doesn't seem necessary, but maybe next time I'm asked whether I fancy anybody I could say something. I don't really know if I expect anything in responses to this, but I don't actually have anyone to talk to, writing is just an easier way to go through things and maybe I'd like to see if anyone else has felt the same...
Hey! Welcome to EC :smilewave You're definitely not alone in what you're feeling. A lot of people here are going through the same thing, and there are others that have been there before. You sound a lot like me. Not feeling the same about boys as the other girls in school did, not feeling any romantic or sexual interest in them as I got older. My eyes would always be drawn to other girls, never guys. But I still couldn't quite accept that I was gay. It was fine if other people were, but not me, that wasn't me. It took time, but I sorted things out and eventually accepted being gay. From what you've said here, it sounds like you have a pretty good idea of what you feel and what you want. Talking can help make things clearer. You came to the right place for that. There are lots of helpful people here. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me
I've pretty much felt like that ever since I hit puberty. So you're defiantly not alone. Just don't rush things and just don't try and force yourself to feel anything. Throughout my life I've felt the need to label myself so much and it's just an extremely tiring thing to do. But like the previous poster mentioned, talking can really help a lot. Through EC I've actually learned a lot about myself and who I am. So Hopefully in time you'll be able to figure out where you stand for sure with everything. You can talk to me anytime as well.
This sounds pretty similar to how I felt in middle school. Like me, you may be getting caught up in stereotypes. Looking back on it now, I find it rather silly that in order to be gay you had to be a sassy fashion designer or someone who bursts into musical numbers and goes around picking out clothes for their female friends. In the same manner, not every lesbian is a chainsaw wielding horned alien. The ultimate determining factor of homosexuality is same-sex attraction. Though I would encourage you to assess your feelings to both sexes before jumping to conclusions that could result it harassment or alienation, it looks like you are pretty lesbionic. This is nothing to be ashamed about and I can guarantee that there will be many people who you will find that will accept you for who you are.
It's scary how much this is similar to what I've gone through! If you ever wanna talk feel free to send me a message!
Thanks, everyone. I'm trying not to overthink it, but I have a part that likes neat little boxes/argues with a dictionary and also a part that's terrified that I'll accidentally insinuate that I'm something I'm not, so I think it's balancing out.
