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Same Old Thoughts Again.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lebowski45, Feb 10, 2013.

  1. Lebowski45

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    I feel like I’m gradually heading towards a total collapse, and it will almost come as a relief. I feel low again, and I don’t know how to escape it. I know people will say go see my doctor, but I’ve already tried that before and was told to “think positively” and not to “jump off any bridges” I don’t really have the urge to be given anti-depressants and sit through my 9-5 shit life with a great big artificial smile on my face. I’m just so sick of everything. I hate the fact I work doing things I don’t want to do with people I don’t particularly like and I feel trapped at home. I love everyone and it hurts me.
    Its like I’m a robot, sleep wake work blah blah blah and there is absolutely no meaning to anything anymore. I only started the job a month ago and everyone thinks I must be so chuffed with having it, when I’m not. I should be grateful I have a decent job in this climate and I dont. But what I feel inside is always different from what I portray outside. Music used to save me and it still does slightly. The worst is how I just shun the people I should keep close, I’m a total arsehole in that respect. I just cant face people whenever I feel like this and they probably think I’m being an arse. Which I am. I see my gran gradually get too old, my uncle’s turning into a child again with dementia and my brother’s marriage is falling apart and you just think: “what’s the fucking point to anything?” There’s just never any happiness. I feel like running away to Germany or something, I really do. I look at everyone else and want to be them instead, and I feel guilty for feeling that way cause I know others have it really crap, and a lot more than me.
    I just know that I’m never gonna be able to find someone to spend my life with. I’m a huge pain in the arse. Im not handsome and im not someone people generally want to be with I think. I hate the way everyone thinks I’m really clever cause I’ve got a degree, I’d happily rip it up and be completely dumb than be like me. Sometimes I just dream of being a mundane mechanic from Stevenage or something. I hate me, I really do. There’s just never any release. Everyone else is perfectly capable of enjoying themselves and I always over-analyse things and think too deeply about everything, and paranoid, and I end up feeling really depressed. And the worst is the loneliness. Ive always felt really lonely. I had a boyfriend last year for a few months and when I was with him it was the only time I ever felt complete and quite happy, now I could be in the same room with my family and friends and everyone I really love and still feel like the loneliest guy in the world. I just want to sleep really. I’d love to just go to bed and stay there forever. If everyone meets the same end, why then does anything matter? Everything is just so utterly pointless. Life is one big prison that you cant really ever escape from. Im not suicidal or anything, I could never do that to the people I love, but sometimes I think about it and how easy it would be just to make everything go away. I kind of admire people who can do that, I mean its taking control really. I couldn’t even do that, Id feel too guilty and theres still some annoying part of you that wants to keep living. Writing this feels like I’m going insane or something and Im not. Nobody even suspects that this is how I really feel. I just cant keep bottling this up all the time, and I feel too embarrassed about telling anyone else, especially as my family have too much on their plates without me adding to it.
     
  2. bingostring

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    I'm guessing ... but getting strong messages here:
    - depression
    - anxiety
    - trapped/frustration
    - low self esteem

    probably from being

    isolated
    not out to friends, family?
    no support group - or small number know?
    self hatred
    family problems

    my thoughts for your steps forward
    - devise a support group of a few trusted friends you can be out to
    - LGBT support
    - widen your social outlook - by taking up new activities
    - review career goals - new plans
    - but mostly a counsellor or therapist could help you make sense of your feelings and allow your mind to focus on what you really want and really need

    sorry.. that is just my initial reaction to your writing

    if you are living at home (?) maybe a move to a shared house with friends would be apositiv step?

    by the way... a doctor who says “think positively” and not to “jump off any bridges” deserved a slap. It may be that you can get a referral for counselling and maybe some temporary meds to see you through this short term distress

    sorry I know its hard.. I have been there too often myself

    keep using this site too..it helps
     
    #2 bingostring, Feb 10, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2013
  3. Lebowski45

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    Many thanks for your post, it means a lot.

    I'm out to all of my friends and family so that's no longer an issue. I think you're right about a lot of other things though. I have supportive friends and family but I always feel like I can never really open up to people....I end up ignoring them when I feel sad and they must think I'm being rude. I'd like to get to know more people too but I'm painfully shy and no-one really takes a liking to me because I'm too reserved. It takes me a long time to get comfortable with people. My family are great, but I just feel trapped. I am looking to move out at some point to see if it changes anything hopefully. As for counselling, I probably could've done with it since I was about 12 if I'm being honest. I've always just hid things away inside me. I've managed this far but I'll need to see.

    Thanks again for your thoughts, it really does help.
     
  4. bingostring

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    Can I tell you something... this is my basic problem too. Hiding stuff away ... and real problems with opening up to other people. Even people I am supposedly close to I would not dream of talking to them about my inner (and real) thoughts. They can be sitting telling me intimate details about their problems and I'll be there all clammed up about myself .. and change the subject if anyone gets close to probing me.

    Listen: It is NOT healthy !!! ;-)

    I hope you can change that .. maybe in small steps - one person at a time maybe?

    This is where counselling and/or therapy comes in - because you can open the lid and spill EVERYTHING ... and, boy, it can be so useful in exploring better ways of thinking about yourself .. . and how to untangle your thoughts

    You may get counselling free (if you have access to school or college counsellor) or you may have to pay .. but if you get the right person.... it is well worth it

    I see you are in the UK.. so your GP surgery may have an in-house therapist, or you could get a referral.. so that may cost nothing

    If nothing else.. DO use this site to explore your thoughts and ideas.. we are all here for you ...

    :kiss:
     
    #4 bingostring, Feb 11, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2013
  5. MartyK

    MartyK Guest

    I think isolation is the main thing, but you say when you are with people you feel lonely so it seems like you're unhappy with yourself and/or your life. Perhaps you're happiest when isolated listening to your music which you say saves you, but saves you form what exactly. Maybe the people in your life you have nothing in common with so being alone is easier but being alone makes you lonely and feeling lonely is the thing that causes the pain. Try and meet people who share your interests would be my advice.
     
  6. Ditz

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    Buddy, your Dr is a complete arse! Go get a second opinion, I think it pretty obvious that you are seriously depressed and you don't have to be, there is help. I understand your objection to antidepressants, thinking that they will just numb you and leave you with a cant care less grin on your face, but that really isn't the way it works. Basically, in short, depression is a chemical imbalance in your brain and the meds help restore it to a normal equilibrium... Takes about two to four weeks, but at least it will get you out of that negative, dark and hopeless state that your obviously in. The meds just treats the symptoms, to treat the cause you will need to work with a therapist and get rid of all those bottled up emotions. It's a journey, but its so worth it!

    In the mean time, go to gym or join a sports club, a little bit of exercise will boost your endorphins and make you feel much better about yourself and the world around you.

    But seriously, you need to tackle this thing by the horns and get help...
     
  7. Lebowski45

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    Thanks for all your comments, they mean a lot to me. They've made me think a bit, and I'll see where I go from here. Thanks very much guys.