Hi, I'm fairytale, a student of 21 and I actually don’t know what to think anymore... I think the best starting point for my story is the moment when I became confused about my sexuality... When I was 15 we had assessments together with other people. There was a girl and she immediately catched my eye. I know exactly how she looked and what’s she was wearing. When i saw here i thought: WOW!:eek: ( I think she looked like a regular girl for other people, not extremely hot or something) The rest of my assessments I was very confused and I was constant writing in my diary. – This can’t be true, am I a lesbian now? – I knew a girl who was and I didn’t look like her. I was totally panicking and didn’t know what to do. Then I just continued my assessments and never told anyone. (I had grade retention that year, I don’t know if it had anything to do with that) When I was 17 me and my 2 best friends (females) decided to give a party. I knew one of those friends since I was 12, then our paths separated and by randomness we were together in class again (because I changed my field of study). Now – really a disaster – I fell in love with her, while I knew she was 100% heterosexual. I felt really terrible about it and then told someone who I really trusted. It was that worse that I tried to make her hate me so she would break our friendship. That seemed the best option. (Although it broke my heart) Afterwards I can’t understand what I was thinking back then. Now at our party I was so drunk that suddenly all my emotions/feelings and misery came out, in front of everybody. (because the big holes in my memory of that night, I don’t know who knows what). They told my friend (who I fell in love with) to keep distance, so she didn’t know what was going on and she only saw me crying. I totally ruined the party. The next day I told her about my feelings on msn Messenger. Firstly she wanted to meet me in a pub, but I said I would burst into tears again. Eventually we never talked face to face IRL, only that one day on msn. I’m really thankful towards her, cause now – 3 years later – we’re still best friends. When a friendship survives something like that, that’s true friendship. I never told her, but think she knows it. Some people said that I should talk with someone. After long doubting I went talking with my teacher religion. I don’t know what I should think of that conversation. At one side I saw him as a very wise man, I shared his vision and opinion in my ways. But I had the feeling that he just laughed in my face with what I said to him. Actually that conversation made things worse, I felt even more miserable + I had the feeling that he couldn’t look at me in a ‘normal’ way anymore. I told 1 other person and that’s it. ________________________________________________________________ That was my story. Besides this I’ve had some ‘bad experiences’ with men in the past. I think I liked women more cause I didn’t trust men at the time. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really bisexual, or that I think I am just because I try to find so much information about it. That I’m just fooling myself. I think I feel sexually attracted to men, demi-sexual towards women. Sometimes when I watch an episode of ‘Out the closet’ (a TV show here) I feel the need to tell my parents, but then think I should not tell it until it’s clear too myself. I think my mum somewhere presumes I’m a lesbian. I’m not a girly-girl. I don’t like jewellery or make-up, I used to play with batman instead of Barbie….She often asks me why I haven’t introduced her to a boyfriend of my. I notice that in my environment people react more positively on homosexuality then bisexuality, my parents included. I’ve never had a relationship (only an awkward cyberrelation with a guy), beides that one time I’ve never experienced that WOW-feeling again with a person. I don’t only question if I’m bi or not. Also my sexuality in general. I’m more attracted to a talent like playing an instrument or a vision/opinion then someone’s looks. Am I normal:confused2: I ask myself. My first kiss was with a guy who tried to rape me afterwards (but luckily he didn’t because of an embarrassing reason) Life is weird and I don’t get it anymore By the way: Thank you so much if you read all of this. And sorry if my English isn’t that good.
Hey Fairytale, thanks for posting this. I really enjoyed reading your story. Your English is pretty good but there are some things which had me confused. Like you said that you never talked to your friend face-to-face in real life, except for that one day on MSN, yet you're best friends with her now, three years later? And I thought you told her about your feelings on MSN that day, but then you said you never told her? I don't know what you mean at all! What makes you think you are sexually attracted to men? Or do you think you're just saying this because you want to be bisexual? I think it's perfectly normal to want to be bisexual, but that doesn't mean you are. When you ask if you're normal because you're attracted to someone's talents or opinions, I think this is fairly normal too. There are a lot of people who are more interested in a person's personalities than their looks! Seriously. It's normal. But if you don't feel any sexual attraction towards anyone at all, then maybe you are asexual. Have you thought about this? Yet above, you said you are sexually attracted to men, even though you don't really mention any times that you have been; you normally talk about woman. It's OK to be confused, and sometimes it helps to put your thoughts up on somewhere like here and let someone ask questions, and by responding to them, you'd be surprised by how much you learn about yourself.
Sorry for my very late reaction. Yes I told her, on MSN, but never in real life. Since I never had a relationship before, I don't know if I enjoy sex or not. I do feel that I'm like a late one on things about sex and stuff. I've looked on the AVEN wiki also many times. Is it weird that I maybe have to like experience' a relationship with a gender to know if I'm maybe asexual or not? In my daily life I also feel much more comfortable around women than men. But I don't like feel attracted to them at first sight, nor to men. I always imagine things like what you said in the last paragraph. How it would be if…And then I start like an awkward paragraph with myself. But I don't know who I could ask for that.
