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Straight but not sure...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Ace, Feb 10, 2013.

  1. Ace

    Ace
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    Ok. So since I was little, I used to always get called gay because I was into drama and I played soccer. And it wasn't until high school that I've really started questioning if I am or not. There are times when I feel like it could go either way. I love women. They are beautiful , sexy, etc. I'm really attracted to them. But sometimes, I get strong attractions to guys as well. Like a toned but still kinda young skinny guy. I've watched straight and gay porn and can get off to both. Ive made out and stuff with a girl but not a guy. The defining thing is that I want a relationship with a woman but could never see myself in a relationship with a guy. Idk why just like the idea of being openly in a relationship with a guy doesn't appeal me (not that there's anything wrong with it) I guess my hang up is that sometimes the idea of having gay sex is appealing. :/ But like I had an opportunity/still do have an opportunity to try stuff with this guy I know, who really wants to try stuff, but the first time it almost happened I couldn't follow through with it. So ya... I just don't know what I should do. cause I kinda wanna try stuff, but I'm hung up because I don't want a relationship, plus i'm afraid of regret and or anything else that could happen in result... :/ just confused...


    Any advice would be appreciated!

    -Ace
     
  2. BudderMC

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    One of the resounding lessons I've learned from my psychology classes is that regret was developed evolutionarily as a teaching tool - a negative emotion to be associated with making a stupid decision, so that we wouldn't do it again. Now the thing is, if you're afraid now that you're going to regret it, I think you already know that you probably don't think you should fool around with just anyone.

    The opposition you have to being in a relationship with a guy is likely due to the fact that being in a same-sex relationship is still generally frowned upon in our society. It's a shame, and things are getting better, but that doesn't mean we magically get put on the same level of respect as our opposite-sex counterparts. And that's understandable. If I were attracted to both men and women at times, I'm sure I'd much rather actually have a relationship with a woman because it would be easier.

    My advice to you? If you don't want to fool around with a stranger, hold out for a relationship. Just be open to the idea that this relationship can be with a guy or a girl. When you meet someone you're attracted to, just approach them. Go on dates. And when the time comes, get intimate with them if you feel like it. Don't pressure yourself to do anything you aren't comfortable with. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Phoenix

    Phoenix Guest

    Maybe you're just so secure with yourself that you don't have a problem with gay relationships/gay sex. One of my friends could be described similarly: she thinks in any given scenario there's 10 hot girls for every hot guy; she really wishes she could be with women and has tried but she just can't orgasm when she has sex with them. She can see the appeal of why two girls would date each other and sleep with each other but she's straight so it's just not for her.

    One of my exes friends was the same. He would always be like so who does what in bed, constantly ask if he thought he was hot etc. He could understand the appeal but it's just not for him.

    Honestly, you sound like overall you're straight but with a little curiosity about the same sex.
     
  4. Ace

    Ace
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    Well me and the one guy talked pretty heavy before and i felt regret. So I told him we shouldnt talk anymore. now I kinda want to talk to him how we used to even though i'm going to regret it. It's like I have this stuff inside me I need to get out of my system every once and a while. And I am actually quite familiar with same sex partnerships because my mom was in one for almost 10 years after divorcing my father
     
  5. Phoenix

    Phoenix Guest

    I mean at the end of the day only you can decide how you feel. But going off what you've said, my impression is that the majority of your feelings and desires lie with the opposite sex. I don't think you're totally 100% straight, but I think for the most part you are.
     
  6. Ace

    Ace
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    So should I stay firm and stop myself from trying to talk to this guy how I used to?
     
  7. Chip

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    My strong suspicion is that you're not as straight as you might think. Everything you're describing sounds, to me, like your conscious going "NOOOOOO!!! I don't want to be gay!!!" and your unconscious going "Ya, but guys are hotttt!"

    You owe it to yourself to explore your feelings more and figure this out, because we have a lot of really, really unhappy members in their 30s and 40s and beyond who got married as part of their elaborate way of denying to themselves that they were gay. Now they know they are... and they're stuck in a loveless marriage, and looking at telling someone they've been married to for years that they're gay. And without fail, it creates an enormous mess.

    So... really, you have nothing to lose by exploring what a sexual experience with a guy would be like. My guess is, if you do, you'll find it both really exciting and extremely revulsing at the same time... the excitement being the natural hormonal attraction you have to guys, which is likely hardwired, and the revulsion being your conscious violently resisting the idea you might be gay.

    You can get similar ideas by masturbating, without porn, and fantasizing about guys, and then, separately, doing the same while fantasizing about girls. My guess is that if you do each a few times, you'll start to get an idea which one gives you stronger arousal. Likewise, when you're watching straight porn... notice if you're paying attention to the guy or the girl, and maybe try watching some lesbian porn. (If you're attracted to guys, that likely won't do much for you.)

    The important thing is to try not to attach a lot of importance to either outcome, because whatever you are.... you are... and you can't change it. So if you're straight, great, and if you're gay, that's fabulous too. :slight_smile: I know it might not seem that way, but it really is the case.

    Keep us posted!
     
  8. FemCasanova

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    Ace, do you want to talk to this guy? I kind of got the feeling from reading your post, that one of your regrets is having had to push this someone away, who you really didn`t want to push away deep inside.

    And that old saying, better regret something you did, than something you never dared to do? There`s a lot of truth in that. Uncertainty can hurt for a long time, because it`s an open door in your mind. At least if you went through the door, and slammed it behind you, it would hurt for a little while, but it would heal. An open door may be forgotten or ignored, but there`ll always be a draft.

    I think you`re probably bisexual. There`s nothing wrong with that. Some people will say; make up your mind, either you`re gay, or you`re not. But it doesn`t work that way. Sexuality can have so many different flavors, and if we experiment a little, check it out, open our minds for the possibility, we can find out what is ours. Maybe you are more on the straight side, but with a certain level of attraction towards guys. There`s nothing wrong with that! Who knows, maybe one day you fall in love, and discover that even though you always thought you could only fall in love with girls, this time it`s a guy. Love is far too precious to throw away because of such a thing as gender. Some people go their whole life and don`t find it.

    We are who we are, we fall in love with whomever we fall in love, and we should cherish it and do our best to be happy about who we are and where we end up. I understand that it is confusing, but you`ll find your way. About this guy. If you think that you`ll regret it for years to come if you don`t talk to him, then do it. Talk to him. Explain how you feel. Maybe there`ll come something out of it, maybe he`ll be a close friend. Either way, at least you`ll get the draft out of your mind.

    All the best of luck *hugs*