Am I clinging onto the hope of being bi (and not gay)?

Yes, it does sound to me like it might make more sense for you to identify as gay.

You don't have to have sex with someone in order to figure out if you are attracted to them. Being attracted happens before the sex part. So you don't have to have sex with a girl before knowing that you are attracted to them. The fact that you "can't be bothered" to date guys any more is a pretty big indicator that you are not especially attracted to them.

A sort of bland, "well, that would be okay," is not the same thing as being attracted to someone. (Yes, I'm pretty sure that's how you feel toward some guys. Right? Like, you might go out with them if they asked you, and that would be okay. NOT the same thing as liking them, okay?)

And these big crushes you had on guys--were they all guys you knew really well? Rather than being attracted to them from the start, was it more like, you got to know them, and thought, very rationally, "He's a good friend. He would make a good boyfriend." And then you decided you wanted him to be your boyfriend. Was it like that? And the whole thing, from start to finish, lacked the depth and intensity of feelings you've had for girls.

You wanted to like that boy--it was a relief to think you might not be gay. That can be really powerful, in terms of your unconscious convincing you you are more into someone than you really are.

For me, definitely, it's never been, "Guys? Eww, gross, OMG no." It's more like, "Meh, what for?"

And I'm a femme (read: feminine, and I have to argue with people to convince them I'm gay.) You don't have to be gender non-conforming in order to be gay.

Regarding the "un-coming out"--this is not a logical fear. It is something that your mind is producing in order to resist the idea that you are gay. All that would happen is people would say, "You're dating a man now?" and you would say, "Yes, I was surprised, too." It would not be Armageddon. How is that worse than any of the other types of coming out you might have to do? The "but what if I'm wrong" thing is a very common tactic of denial to keep you doubting, even though it isn't rational. The true answer to the "but what if I'm wrong" question is, "nothing bad will happen."

After I accepted that I was gay, I realized there had been some signs in childhood, girls I had feelings for that I didn't recognize as romantic feelings at the time. But I definitely didn't recall that until after I was out and settled in my identity. There weren't any really obvious signs for me until I was 16, and I stayed in denial until I was 28 or something (my coming out of denial sort of dragged on for a while). There is no telling what you are just completely repressing, in terms of memories from when you were younger.

You clearly like girls. Why would there be signs of lesbianism in childhood, but not bisexuality? Is bisexuality different, so that it only manifests at puberty while other sexual orientations manifest earlier? No. Some people remember having crushes and things in childhood, and some don't. (Some people find that even if they don't remember having crushes, their parents or other people who knew them as children noticed them having crushes.) But people watch gender non-conforming children more closely for signs of homosexuality, and they are often overlooked in gender-conforming children.

It can be very hard to accept. But it does seem to me like you are probably a lesbian. Any attraction you have to men is apparently so small as to not be relevant to anything.

All of the things in your thinking that don't make logical sense are indicators that you are in denial. Denial does that.



Also, I am moving your thread to support and advice, where I think you will get better responses.

 

Hi Rachel, for me it took time to figure out that I was not bi but gay. I thought being "OK" in a relationship was enough while I was always wanting more. Now that I understand myself better I feel so good and clear, like a new person. It may take time for you to find your truth, but when you do you will know.

 

First -

Second, I'm trying to figure out the same thing. Stop telling yourself how it "should" be. When you stop forcing a traditional idea in your head, what remains? That may take time.

 

I agree with this entire post. However, on the part of childhood crushes, our sexual orientations may not have been apparent then or even manifested until later. I'm gay and have been so since about age 12 or 13. There were obvious subtle changes occurring between the ages of 11-13. As a kid from ages 4-14, I had obvious romantic crushes on girls and never guys. The thought two guys could kiss or be in love never crossed my mind and if it did, I would've thought it was silly or weird. Never during that time did I desire to kiss another boy, just girls. At age 13, it flipped 180 degrees. I'm not bisexual at all. Haven't desire girls sexually since at least puberty. Base your feelings on what you are feeling in the present. If you don't desire guys in that way, then in the present day your are definitely lesbian and not bi.