Was in a secret lesbian relationship but she died

I was in a secret lesbian relationship for 2 years but my partner suddenly died and I am having to pretend I am mourning for a friend not for a partner and people cannot understand why I am so upset and I cant say anything because she never told her kids. She was in an abusive relationship with her husband and we were waiting for her youngest child to finish school before telling them. She would have told them this month. I have her plane ticket because she was flying to me in March and we were going to discuss how to sort everything out.

she lived far away but we spoke on the phone everyday for about 4 hours and would fly to see each other every 2 months or so.

i shook her in her coffin for 15 minutes with some stupid hope that this was all a really bad joke it was only when i held her hand that I knew it was real, i always have cold hands, hers were always warm.

we didnt intend for this to happen, it just did, we met initially on a rape website, we both have/had major trauma, it just felt right being together, being in her presence made me so happy, i thought i had loved before but i love her like ive never loved before, i didnt even think it was possible to love someone so much but i loved her so much. we were so different but so the same, she was my soulmate, my friend, my partner she was my whole world.

i dont know what to do anymore, i have a mental health issue and she researched it and learnt all about it, id ring her up to check things, i use to just do things on impulse but then i learnt to ring her and id check it out with her. i feel like ive lost everything, everything seems so insignificant now, i just dont care, i lay in bed for most of the day sleeping, my doctor knows about this but theres little she can do, there is nothing really anyone can do. i cant tell anyone what she really was to me. i daren't hurt her children so i just feel alone and sad and angry that she was taken from me and from her children.

she was the kindest person, im sure some people will think bad of her and maybe me for basically having an affair but we loved each other, i just have no one to tell what she meant to me.

Thank you if you read this

 

Thank you, I know there is nothing anyone can really say.

The thing is I dont know what I am anymore, that was the first lesbian relationship I was in, I felt safe in it. Ive had relationships with guys and one night stands but I'd zone out and I always felt really crappy afterwards. I dont know if there is such a thing as gay, lesbian, bi etc. That isnt meant to offend I just wonder if we fall in love with a person because of who they are rather than their gender. i dont know. Ive always been curious since being a teenager but I dont know if Im Bi/lesbian or just scared of guys because whats happened to me in the past. All i know is I didnt care what we called it, it just felt right in everyway and I don't want anyone else at the moment but how many soulmates can you have because i think you are lucky if you find yours and if you only have one that means mine has gone and there will be no one else.

i dont have any friends where i live, ive moved around alot, i just have my family which im avoiding for some reason at the moment. i havent spoke to a person face to face for 3 weeks now, im not working, i feel like i have no purpose. i loved my partner and i told her everyday but i took it for granted that she would always be there, i knew in my heart she would never leave me, we had so many plans. im just confused and heart-broken, i think literally because i have a horrible heavy feeling in my chest, it hurts. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, i feel like the moment i was told a part of my heart just turned black and died

 

i dont feel strong at all, she believed in heaven, i dont. ive been desperately reading about all sorts of religions to try find one that would make me believe in heaven but I cant find anything.

i actually just want to die but cant. she helped me get so much better it would be like wiping out all the good she did for me and all the effort she put in to helping me. im angry with her for that, for leaving me behind and basically trapping me alive.

i wrap her dressing gown around some pillows in my bed and it smells of her and i go to bed hugging it. i cry before i fall asleep and i cry again when i wake up then i just wallow in bed. i know she wouldnt want me to, i know she'd want me to get back on my feet and get my life back, i lost everything a few years back after having some kind of meltdown but i only wanted to go back to work so i could get a bigger house for us, she's gone and so has my motivation.

unfortunately i know some not very nice men one of which i invited around about a month ago, he got what he wanted and i got what i wanted, to fall asleep with someone hugging me. thankfully he let himself out of the house early the next morning, i dont care that i havent been in touch with himself since. then i felt all guilty like i cheated on her.

ive had to turn all her photo's around so i cant see them coz i just burst into tears as soon as i see her face. i dont feel strong at all, i feel like a failure.

i know that nearly everyone has experienced grief and im not special in anyway but i dont know how people manage to carry on. im being incredibly self destructive. i dont know what to do but id give anything for a safe nice person to lay in bed with me and hug me till i fall asleep without me having to pay a price for it

 

Im in touch with her children, i have a good relationship with them and love them and they love me back. they both have a key to my house and know that they can show up and let themselves in whenever they want.

I thank you all very much for your hugs and support

its hard knowing what she would want me to do but actually doing it is a different matter. im still crying all the time, i just burst into tears now probably because ive told the truth and its just been accepted with no judgement. She was a special person and not just to me, id never met a person with such kindness in their heart until i met her and i worry how many people like that you get to meet in your life and i know its not many, she will never be replaced but in the future ill compare people against her, i know i will and she was perfect, even her flaws were good, she was kind to a fault. i feel so alone, my future has changed from colourful to black and endless, a day feels like a week, i know im not really helping myself right now. i still think of something and reach for my phone to call her and only once the phone is in my hand do i realise i cant ring her.

i know this thread is a totally depressing buzzkill, i am feeling sorry for myself, i had been through so many things to do with rape and sexual abuse, i got my disorder which destroyed my life, nothing that bad had happened for a while, i was starting to get hopeful and positive and happy and then she died and I wonder what did i do to get such bad luck, am i being punished for something, i just about get on my feet and im kicked to the ground again and i keep on getting back up and this time im not sure that i will. i dont want to let her down but i dont know how to make her proud, i cant even get out of bed