I need to vent right now. Okay, here goes... I am very confused about my feelings. I mean I know I like girls and am not attracted to boys, but I cant really see myself acting on my feelings. I have had 2 online relationships with girls and thats about as far as my 'girlfriend experiences' have gone. I am a virgin, never been kissed and never had a real girlfriend before. But heres the thing... I actually am not too phased by that! I have this thing where I keep regressing back to my carefree childhood as a kid, in my head. You know how people have 'safe places' that they go to in their minds? Well thats mine... A happy, feral little girl who lived on a farm and whose best friends were cows! hehe I was so happy back then! Life was simple, my family was always around, I had a menagerie ot animals to play with... I was genuinely happy Then 'life' happened. I realized early on in my teens that I had an attraction to women. It went against my Christian beliefs and I felt terrible. I was suddenly suicidal, depressed, self harming... I was a mess! Suddenly my carefree childhood was over and I had to grow up. For years now I have been battling and trying to come to terms with my sexuality. But I honestly cant fully accept myself. I feel like a fraud. Like I can say to people 'Im gay' and I dont think twice about saying it. But then i will have moments, like today when a lesbian couple who are friends ot mine, suddenly started making out and I felt a bit queesy and uncomfortable. But heres the thing... I dont expect to fall in love. I am so used to seeing other people in love that it feels like love could never happen to me Its like Im an obsever of other peoples love lives. I just dont expect anyone to ever love me. Of course this breaks my heart, but I just dont know how to move on from here. Thinking of having a girlfriend is kind of weird to me! I dont know why I feel this way. I feel like career wise, I will achieve great things, but love life wise, I will achieve nothing. I feel kind of pathetic :/
First of all, you are really young! I hadn`t had a serious boyfriend or girlfriend when I was your age. This whole "at that point you`re supposed to have, blah blah" is nonsense. My uncle didn`t find love until he was 25, my sister is 22 and has never been in a relationship, my brother is 20 and saying the exact same thing as you do. Love and sex does not have a time limit. And from I was 17 to 25, I changed, changed back, changed a little more. It`s such a fluid time. You`re growing into an adult person, but you`re not the person you`re going to be for the rest of your life right now. We change all the time, and how you feel is not set in stone. So, try to free yourself from these "forever ever" thoughts. A lot of the time when we feel down and depressed, we cling to these thoughts that sabotage us. "It`s like this right now, so it`ll forever be like this, that`s a fact, and I am reacting emotionally to this fact, despite it not being a fact at all, and just a temporary feeling I am having right now." See? I get that you`re worried, that somehow you`re going to end up loveless and incapable of a romantic relationship, but that`s not facts. Those are just feelings you are having, and feelings don`t last forever. As soon as you start working on realizing that your present emotional view on things is not a fact, or facts, and see that you have so much time and opportunities ahead of you, then you start changing the way you think, and battle these thoughts that bring you down. Sometimes I think of it as having an angel on one shoulder, and a demon on the other. The demon says stuff like; "You are going to end up alone, you could never love anyone". And you repeat it to yourself in your head, and feel down about it. What you need to do, is to empower the angel instead, saying stuff like "How can you possibly know the future, you`re not psychic! You have so many opportunities ahead of you, be positive!" You have no idea how my life has changed from then. God, I didn`t even know I was a lesbian, lol. I didn`t know I was about to mess up my entire life either, which I did, and it stayed messed up for 2 years, until I began building it up again slowly. Now I have a job and a GF and thing are going okay. And honestly, it feels like a century has passed since I was 17 You have so much time, just take care of yourself, and fight back against the negative thoughts. You`re not a fraud. That`s the demon on the shoulder talking. A fraud would purposefully try to trick people. You`re simply inexperienced. There`s no crime against that, and we`ve all been! I didn`t know for sure I liked women until I was like 22 or something. Before that I knew I liked kissing women You`re not a fraud, and there`s nothing wrong with you, just because you feel insecure about things. (*hug*) You have so, so much time!
I get you. I mean, from time to time I think the exact thing as you do, "I'll never have a girlfriend" "my love life will be non-existent". But... come on. If you have already had ldr, then it counts, I mean... you have had "girlfriends". Even though it was online haha. I consider this because I have never had a "real" relationship, but right now I am in love with a girl I met online. Love doesn't need to appear right now, when you are 17. You have so many things to figure out still. You have to learn who you really are, really... we never know who we really are. Find the things that you love to do and the "love of your life" will come eventually. You will see. It comes whenever, specially when you are not expecting it. Let yourself live and don't you worry about these love things. Focus on yourself by this time, you are young and you have so much to live in life.
you just put my entire life into words I wonder if it will ever get better for people like us... but let's just keep on hoping
Honestly? I'm a big believer in doing your own thing until you feel good about yourself and your situation. It's okay to be single. In fact, it's just as valid as being with someone. When you feel good about yourself and where your life is going, people see that in you. That's really attractive. Not that you should do whatever it is you're doing for someone else to like you, but it's true. And the other thing is that wanting to be with someone, or even NOT wanting to is totally fine. But relationships should start because of the person you want to be with, not the relationship you want to have. So, unless there's someone special around that you're really into, then just do your thing. Because wanting a relationship for being in a relationship's sake is silly. So I guess what I'm saying is--dig deep in yourself and work out your issues with who you are. Why do you feel like you won't be loved? Work on that. Do things that you love and that make you happy. Then, if some special lady comes along, you'll be ready to give it your all. And until then, you'll be happy with yourself and your life. It's a win win.
