Whats up! I'm now 20 years old. I'm the founder and CEO of a web start up company. I work out 4 times a week... and since 2 months ago, i religiously go out 2 times a week just to meet woman. Paradoxically to the fact that i'm questiong my sexualitty, i've come to the conclusion that i developed over the last few years a very masculine essence: i'm proactive, like being dominant in bed with woman..**love pussy**, have a very pragmatic personality, and i'm not by any means submissive in any kind of situation. So...why i'm here? Well... here we go: i was nothing like that 4 years ago. I dont have brothers or sisters, and as a kid i've never had a strong and present father... a male figure to look up to, you know. In fact, growing up who told me "what a man should be like"... who gave me my first Playboy Magazine was my mother - a very strong, pratical and proactive woman... and because of that SHE was my "MALE" role model, in some wierd way. But you know what... a woman cant teach manhood properly. So... i grew up very shy, with low self esteem and depressed. I'm from a middle class family, and studied almost all my early life in a school that is, to this day, only for very,very rich - and white - people. I was only there because my mother was a teacher there, and the kids of the employees got a 50 percent discount on the school fees. So, because i had a brown skin and was "poor" compared to the other kids, you can imagine,right? Zero friends...Zero girls.... zero respect, nothing. This shitty situation only ended when i was 16 (4 years ago), and said "FUCK IT, i'll not live my life this way... with out happinnes, joy and respect." This insight happened almost exactly when my parents (please read "my mother") decided to move to another city, trying to build up a better financial life for us. New city, new school, new life. So, I started a journey of self development, aiming to really build up a great life from scratch. I tackled first my social shyness and anxiety, studying in deep Social Dynamics and practicing it every day in my new school. Then, i started to work out aswell, got buff... and built up my "inner game", which is the set of beliefs that you learn systematically in order to become a person of social value and, aswell, for self esteem development... So... i started to really like my self! Everything changed - and very quickly. I started to get girls, friends... in school i was like... untouchable... popular. So, i created like a teen dream life for me, totally self made. Cool, right? But even though i was popular, and got girls, i didnt have sex with none of them because of my lack of logistics (that was what i thought at the time): didnt have a place to have sex, could not bring girls to my house (didnt like the idea of mixing family with girls), nor the money to pay for a room at a motel. So... after high school, i got a lil frustated because i was 18, buff, good looking, smart... a high quality person as a whole... but STILL A VIRGIN. Then again, i said to my self that it should end. I started to talk with a lovely girl i met in high school and hang out with her. We had some pretty awesome dates and then i managed to get her in my house when my parents were out. We both wanted to have sex, started to make out and suck each other..i gave her an orgarsm by oral sex (i love to suck pussy lol)... but the thing is that i got extremely nervous when it came to the sex itself and..well... NO ERECTION. So... my first time = SHAME. The vibe between us after that got bad, mainly because of MY STUPID ATTITUDE towards my lost erection. We stopped seeing each other. After some time, she went out to another country to study Medicine. We were not in love, but since she gave me my first real sexual experience, it was, for me, anchored with A LOT OF FEELING. I got REALLY depressed for two weeks when i discovered that she moved abroad. Really...really depressed. Even to this day some times i remember her and feel a lil sad. Man... i miss that girl. Anyway... after the two weeks of depression, i got my shit together and focused my life again on self development, now not only personal, but started to study web marketing & eletronic business. The thing is that the game of web entrepreneurship is really a very, very lonely game. And since i was addicted (now i know that) to PORN since i was like...16,17... i used it - for some time - like never before, to relax after hours and hours of hard work and study. Now...realise that at this time i was 18, cool? So... my WHOLE SEXUAL REFERENCES got anchored to porn - straight, heterossexual porn. After some time consuming it like water, i started to notice more the actors big cocks..and their strong, muscular bodies. My focus was on the hot girl, but the guy's body and big dick made the scenes way hotter for me. So, after some time, i only consumed porn that have big dicks in it - but straight porn still. Now that's the thing: when i watched the girls sucking cock, i dont know why, but i started to fell something in my mouth , like if the guy's cock was in my mouth, or something like that... ...and than i began quetioning my sexualitty. At the same time, when i went out... people would say that i'm was gay, because of the way i dressed (note #1: i've never dressed "gay" as far as i know..i only choose my clothes well. I like to be well dressed in any occasion)... ...And, also, because of the way i interact and gesture when talking to people (note #2: since i've become socially competent and outgoing, i'm always relaxed and talkative in the conversations... i gesture a lot, in a slow manner. That's something that, apparently, comes out as gay). Facing this situation, i again acted on it: started to go out more and more and, after some weeks, got a girl i met in a shopping mall, took her to a motel room and fucked her like crazy. So..FINALLY i REALLY lost my viginity AND the "am i gay?" questions stopped, as far as i can remember. Because i've been studying the "art of sex" for some time, reading a bunch of books about it... i somehow knew what to do and we had GREAT sex. And we made it again, and again, and again. I've always made her do everything i wanted, in a very dominant manner... it was like a light version of 50 shades of gray, lol... and we did everything... upside down 69, anal... it was really fun. We saw each other for like...1 year...every one or two weeks, jus to fuck - no emotion, no feeling (at least for me). It was really jus' sex. Now, when i was 19, she started to ask for something more..she wanted a legit relationship... and since i was way too busy working with my business projects, i didnt took it further and we stopped seeing each other. She keep calling me time to time to this day, but i say no everytime because i really dont want ot hurt her, promising something that i cant give, you know... So.. after we stopped seeing each other, i went balls deep in business, finally found a loyal business partner and now, after one year of INSANE hard work, we're about to launch a killer product. The thing is that, as already said, i dove deep in business... so deep that now i'll complete in April ONE YEAR with out having sex... one year with out even kissing a girl, as far as i can remember - not because that i could not get woman...it's jus' because that now i'm so focused on my work that...wow... Of course that so much time of abstinence again made me fall into PORN addiction again. And again...i found my self enjoying seeing big cocks and muscular male bodies, but only in straight, heterossexual contexts. Now, here's the thing: some times, when me and my business partner are working at the office, he have to come close to me in order to see my computer screen. When he come closer to my face, i dont know, but i feel like a tension..like something that you feel before you kiss someone, you know. Some times, after this situations, i get my self thinking of me and him kissing, jus' to check if i feel something sexual... and nothing happens, no bonner...nothing. This feeling only happens when he comes closer to my face. And thats it... when he goes away to his computer, or we are talking normally, i dont feel nothing. Is this because of my abstinence? Other thing: until last month, i still got some people, especially girls, asking me if i was gay (so now i'm gesticulating less and talking with a more monotone voice. Since i started calibrating my body language, the explicit "are you gay?" questions stopped and i feel better about how i'm now conveying my personality) Even my mother other day said that she was a little worried because of the fact that i've never showed her any girlfriend (well, that must be because i've really fucked just only one girl so far in my life, lol), and because she never saw me with a woman, even though i'm good overall looking, muscular and outgoing. And TODAY, jus' now, happened something that made me feel desperate... Since i work out, i like to compare my body to the body of famous guys... jus' to check my progress. I do it a lot of times, but as far as i can tell, i fell nothing sexual when seeing the pics ( and by the way, i dont feel horny seeing guys working out in the gym... as far as i can tell, when i feel horny there - and in any context - is jus' when i see a hot chick). But today, i saw Nelly's body (american rapper) on a website and, i dont now why, but i felt an urge to masturbate right after. And i ideed mastubated, NATURALLY THINKING ABOUT ME HAVING SEX WITH A HOT CHICK (i'm fighting my porn addiction, so no more porn use)..but still...WHY THE HELL I FELT THE URGE? So that's the thing man: the tension that i feel when my business partner comes close to my face when seeing my computer screen, and this Nelly's body situation. I'm not even concerned about the way i'm conveying myself. I'm alert about my body language and everything is going well. The problem here is not the outside anymore...is the inside. Am i bissexual, people?
Welcome to EC! First, a quick sum-up about me. My parents are still married. I had - and have - a great father. I'm not necessarily "dominant" but I'm assertive. I dress in T-shirts and jeans roughly 360 days out of the year. I go to rock concerts roughly once a week, and I'm a season ticket holder to a contact sport. And I'm gay. Now you. Do I think you're bisexual? Not really. You've got your own sense of fashion - cool. You work out - great. You have had at least one occasion where you had some performance issues - happens to tons of people, and rarely because they're playing for the wrong team. You saw a photo of Nelly, got horny, and jerked off. It's not like I haven't thought about girls once in a blue moon while doing the same. In fact, there's only one thing that's keeping me from simply typing "You're straight" and signing off. You seem very VERY VERY intent on making sure we know you're OK with the ladies. It's as if every two sentences, you need to remind us that you definitely love women and love fucking and love pussy. Oh, and you masturbated "NATURALLY THINKING ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH A HOT CHICK" in all caps. The saying that comes to mind is "methinks the lady doth protest too much". By the end of the post, I was starting to wonder if you were trying to convince yourself rather than us. Here's my advice. Relax. Let go. Let your fantasies go where they will. Don't get so wound up in whether what's happening fits your "label". Maybe at some point, when masturbating, you'll start thinking about a guy. If so, cool - ride it. Enjoy the fantasy. And maybe it'll never happen. That's fine, too. I get mistaken for straight quite a bit. It doesn't freak me out. My brother gets mistaken for gay (he's a very meticulous dresser). It doesn't freak him out, either. Lex
I think your anxiety comes from mostly on what others think or perceive you as. You're worried they will think you are gay. From the sounds of your post, you seem straight. Just a tid bit about me. I'm gay and have been so for a while. Not my entire life, but a good chunk of it. About a couple months ago I was napping and the thought of girl popped into my head and I got aroused for a few minutes. A couple times I've gotten off to lesbian porn... Am I attracted to girls? No. It's hormones. It is so rare that it is notable when it happens. Your sexual orientation is what you feel on a daily basis, especially when you are out in public around people. Pictures, videos, and even your thoughts etc. can sometimes distort things especially if you're hormonal or horny.
Whats up Lex! Thanks for the feedback! Now... the thing is that i typed stuff in caps, because i was trying to show the contrast, you know? How can you see a male body, feel horny, but jerk off thinking about woman...and called yourself straight? And the same when it comes to the "i'm alright with girls". Contrast. Man...that's what is killing me. I've nothing against gay people, bissexual people, GLS life style or nothing like that. What i hate it's really this feeling of uncertainty. ---------- Post added 12th Feb 2013 at 11:47 AM ---------- Great cm8. I'm starting to think about that all this madness in my head..all this "am i straight or what?" BS is made up of FEAR. I do not have any homossexual tedencies daily (i think), but I FEAR having that in my life (like if it was THAT BIG of a deal)... so i start searching for cues, in order to find out and repress it in advance. Stupid thing...it's like a "search and destroy" mission, made in advance. Really stupid. Now, another question guys: discovering your self as gay REALLY changed your life as a whole? It was THAT big of a deal? ---------- Post added 12th Feb 2013 at 11:47 AM ---------- Great cm8. I'm starting to think about that all this madness in my head..all this "am i straight or what?" BS is made up of FEAR. I do not have any homossexual tedencies daily (i think), but I FEAR having that in my life (like if it was THAT BIG of a deal)... so i start searching for cues, in order to find out and repress it in advance. Stupid thing...it's like a "search and destroy" mission, made in advance. Really stupid. Now, another question guys: discovering your self as gay REALLY changed your life as a whole? It was THAT big of a deal?
I think, again, that the "contrast" sounds very similar to "convincing. We see there is conflict going on for you, but it seems like in many ways in life you are fitting in rather then belonging. One is modifying the way you think and act to be accepted, which you clearly said you started doing when you moved, and up until now that seems to still be the case. Someone that belongs still questions themselves, but they dont necessarily need to justify the way they act or feel, or alter those actions or feelings to be accepted. Their self-worth isnt always tied to what others think of them. In many ways, it sounds like you have lived a life of deep shame, and it sounds like you have gotten shamed from all directions. Society, parents, yourself... Shame is a deep feeling of disconnection, or "fear" of connection. The "I am not enough" feeling or "who do you think you are." It is the birthplace of anger, resentment, regret, depression, and most negative thoughts. What I find inspiring about your story is the vulnerability, which dont let ANYONE tell you is weak. You are very strong for being vulnerable. Its probably what makes you a good business partner too. It takes vulnerability to market yourself or a product to a group of strangers, and to stand infront of a crowd and make a short lecture, or to say I love you first, or to be the first to initiate sex even. People dont see those things as weak, we see it as pure courage, but when we look at those things in ourself, it still looks kinda weak. I would like to reinforce what Lex said (he always gives the best advice), dont jump the gun and start labeling yourself. I know the pragmatic logistical side of you is going to have a problem with that, but see that in its own for what it is; a protection. If you can be pragmatic, or logistical with something, you can avoid the feeling of disappointment of being let down. Just let yourself loose. Fantasize whatever you mind wants to fantasize about, and dont hold any judgement against it. The other thing to realize is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It might feel like you are sometimes, but there are so many people out there going through the same thing as you are, and Id say that many of us have been though something similar. There are people there for you that you dont even know about yet! Sending warm regards, ---------- Post added 12th Feb 2013 at 12:03 PM ---------- ------Now, another question guys: discovering your self as gay REALLY changed your life as a whole? It was THAT big of a deal? It can be as big of a deal as you make it. Me coming out was rather easy, people would ask if I liked boys, and I would say "I think so." and when people said I like women I said "I dont know?" I have had sex hundreds of times with women, and men. Doesnt make me any less gay, it just means I had the comfortability in myself to let myself be ok with any outcome. There are times where I realize how my life is different because I am openly gay, but it hasnt changed who I am as a person. And I dont think it would have to change who you were as a person either. But I think we are getting ahead of ourselves a little bit. We dont even know if you are bi, let alone gay. That pragmatic mind is getting in the way again
The basic attitude should be "I can handle whatever happens". I don't see you suddenly going 100% gay, so just keep dating, fantasizing and having sex with whoever you feel like. I had a couple straight friends in college who really enjoyed doing things like giving themselves mud masks and other skin treatments. And they joked "We can do this because we're really secure in our sexuality". And although that was said in a joking way, it was accurate. They knew they were straight. They didn't care if somebody thought they might be gay because they liked doing the skin care thing. In a sense, yes. It may be tough to explain, but I'll try. Apparently, you have your own sense of fashion, and a couple people might be misreading that as a sign of homosexuality. Now say you do what you say you do above. You do your best to dress "straight" so nobody will think you're gay. That can be a bit stressful. You'll be second-guessing every purchase and every ensemble. "This looks straight...wait, maybe it looks TOO straight? Like I'm trying to hide something? Maybe I should make it a bit less straight..." But I'm guessing from what you've posted that you don't do that. You find clothes you like, you buy them, you wear them, end of story. And discovering your sexuality, and coming out, is like that expanded to your entire life. All the secrecy, all the "how can I dress/move/act/talk so nobody suspects"...that finally gets left behind. You start living as YOU. You no longer are the square peg in the round hole. It's exceptionally liberating, and kind of a rush, actually. Lex
That was an interesting read followed by some interesting observations. Maybe you are predominantly straight and a little Bi curious... And that's fine, don't let it eat you up. You sound like an awesome guy, educated, sophisticated, cultured, good looking, fashionable, entrepreneurial, quite a catch in every sense of the way. Who cares what other people think, why we have this obsession to stick a label on everything and shove it into a box goes right over my head. Don't over think things, just go with what feels right and enjoy it.
Perfect Lex. And really, you are right, i pick clothes that i like and that's about it. Actually i like clothes that make me feel masculine, that fits tighter to the body... dont even cross my mind homossexual thoughts, nor something like "wow...if i buy it, people would think i'm gay". In fact, i think about women when something sexual cross my mind while buying clothes. Well...maybe when i buy jeans, i make sure that them dont fit tooo tight, like super skinny jeans... "that's gay" hahaha' JK. Now...about the "being you" thing. I have a different pespective about it, since i created the person i'm today, from pure proactive action and reading (believe me,haha). How you automaticly act in a given situation, in my view, is directly connected to who you are and feel about yourself. Taking social feedback as reference for modeling the way you convey your personality it's a great way to become a happy person. There is a great difference between making the opinion of others your life, and taking their oppinions/social viewpoints into accout. On the long run, you become what you do repeatedly. When i was 16, i was REALLY socially inept. If i had accepted things and ME the way i was, i would be now one of those guys who goes into a elementary school with a semi automatic and start killing every one around. True story man... i see these stupid guys that did those things, and i cleary see my self as them if nothing was made some time ago. This "am i bi?" thing wouldnt even cross my mind, since this questioning started only when i got a LIFE - life that was conquered frist through adapting, in a way, to social standarts and then..ONLY THEN..trying to become a creator of standarts (ex. developing a new web based product that is not yet offered in the market). I'm now mentally helthy because of a ongoing methodic study on social dynamics, man. So, i have no issue taking social feedback when it comes to my body language, for exemple. Even, lets imagine, if i'm really bi, i have now this inner, natural need to show a "alpha male", leading figure to others. This helped me so much this last 4 years man, you cant even imagine. BUT.... Really...this could mean, in other hand, that i'm really repressing stuff, with out even feeling it - strange. Only time, i think, will show the answer to this question. What i can say is that: 1) I need to explore this forum and collect more information 2) Even if i'm really bissexual, i cant deny that i have a masculine essence and i'll always be really interested in the development of my masculinity. I love being a man, that i'm sure. 3) Need patience about this particular phase on my life. There is no shurtcuts. Finding the answers for your sexual tendency, once questioned about yourself and others, it's a marathon, not a sprint. There's no magic pill for that - and if there is one, i'll find it, develop it into a product and sell it ; )
Where can i find more reliable info about sexual preference? Books, blogs, threads here on the forum... everything counts! It would be much...much appreciated! Thanks for all guys
This forum is a great place to gather information and seek advice, thats for sure. However, you said something that I find a little bothersome. You seemed to feel like you needed to defend yourself when I started talking about shame and fitting in vs. belonging. I understand the pragmatic piece of what you are saying, that the way you have acted is constructed from lessons you have learned, but to me it doesnt feel authentic. If you really believed that you were fine the way you are, then why are you here? Truth is, everything you have done has brought you to where you are, question is, are you ok with it? And how does it make you feel? I hear you saying your not to crazy about the way you feel right now, and I think you are trying to intelectualize the situation to try and find a way out of having to fully embrace and feel the situation. Now, I could of couse always be wrong, that happened once
Hi tyler Haha', nop man, this is not me defending my self...it's me trying to figure something out. I'm here to get insights, to shine some light into some of the dark, unknown spots of my human mind...or, like suggested by your signature, to jump into the shadows. If we were having this talk on person, eye to eye, i would come up with those same arguments, viewpoints verbally, and you would see that it's my natural way of approaching things. Not sexy at all, but it make things happen, at least for me. I know it sounds strange and somehow fake - how can one live being THAT pragmatic? It's so much heavy weight to carry around on your head, hum? Life shoud be way lighter, like a "feel good" Coca Cola add, right? Yeah, it is heavy. Yeah, it makes sometimes you fell way worse than when you jus try to "feel" the situation, but at the same time, when you really get into it, it's so rewarding after all... cause it gets shit done ; ) People tend to jus' think that life it's something abstract, chaotic, out of our control, a lot of times believing in destiny. Usually, life is viewed as something greater and wilder than the people who are living it... and the only thing that you can do about complex, odd and strange situations is jus' throw it all up in the air and let things solve themselfs with time. Well, that's jus' not the way i approach life. I see things on a alternative pespective, a lil different from "default". But as you said, and like you, i may be rong. But so far, so good! And yes, i cant deny that almost all my life (untill i was 16 years old) i felt shame on a daily basis...till i changed my situation by my self, for my self. And oddly enough, when i try to intelectualize the situation, is for REALLY EMBRACE IT. If i'm here, it's not because i'm running away from the emotional beast that waits for me jus' around the corner if i get to the conclusion,some day, that i'm bissexual... ... is because i want to face it directly.
