Am I in love with her or did I just love her, like a sister

I know everyone here hates the term, but I use to think that I had HOCD. Before I offend anyone I will say that I’ve come to terms with the fact that HOCD for the most part is B.S. and I now understand how ignorant it also sounds. For what it’s worth nowadays, I also totally understand why lesbians hate “bisexuals”. Back in high school I had the classic “wow you’re in love with your best friend” moment. The thing was that I’ve been super confused since then – even though I’ve had my fair share of infatuations for other females since. Don’t even know about sexual attraction to anyone since I’m so far off that boat into denial.

I’ve always doubted myself as I can’t even tell what a crush is, what “to love” vs “being in love” is anymore – that’s how pathetic I am. On the other hand with guys it’s always been like I just throw myself on them or question myself “oh do you think he’s cute – is this a crush?” with every single one of them. In all honesty I know that all of this has been going on since 4th grade – at least on a sub-conscious level, since I remember going through a period where I was super angry with myself – for reasons still unknown. I also remember resenting other girls and making up a rumour about liking this guy who didn’t like me back – that I didn’t even like just so they could shut up with their crushes. Eventually I believed it myself but otherwise except for the “oh do you think he’s cute – is this a crush?” forced questioning with guys I don’t really recall any crushes on guys in a long time.

Even if I were kidding myself and ended up “straight” all I can say is that my best friend from hurt me A LOT with mind-games and I have a lot of trouble giving my heart out to someone again. On top of that she use to claim to be bisexual until she “found herself”, and now she expects me to do the same – and it makes me feel so guilty like I’m at fault for ruining everything. She doesn’t seem to understand why I have resentment over her or why I’m still hung up on her. Anyhow I told her I needed a break from our friendship for like the last night.

I don’t even know if I love her or hate her anymore. I miss our friendship’s innocence before all this “I think I’m gay and love you” drama but at the same time I don’t think I could ever imagine a normal friendship with her. It wouldn’t feel normal – it’d be boring – just like any other friend and I can’t help it but I don’t want that. I always feel like I want more – whatever that means in friendship land – if it even was friendship land?!? It’s like I want to give her everything and make her happy and like live forever after. Am I naive or just in super denial?

The ironic thing is that each time I’ve done “broken” up our friendship she’s sent super long emails that have said things like “this hurts me more than any guy or boyfriend breaking-up with [her current boyfriend] ever would”. Even one of her exes – our mutual friend – saw one of these emails and commented on it saying it sounded like a love letter – which confuses me even more. I wish I could love my friends more than boyfriends and still call it a day. Is it even possible without being gay on a subconscious level?
What I do know is that I want to move on. I want to try and give liking guys 100% before I come out as a lesbian however I can’t stop thinking about my bff.


Being with her hurts but being without her hurts too.:help:

Does it even get better?! Do you even get over heart break?