married to possible closet gay

hi i have this from the gay side but not married. i told him, "do you want to stay in a sham relationship?" thats what it all comes down to and i think we both have more rescpect for ourselves than to do that. much luck

 

Well, for you to think that he might be gay, you must have more to go on than just what you said.

Does he look at other handsome men for a bit longer glances than what one might expect from a straight man? Does he not look at or comment about other women?

Was there any good sex before marriage?

Because what you describe is a poor sex life for sure, he lacks interest. But nothing you mention points to him being gay. But since you are here at this forum, and you are seriously asking, then I think you see something more about it, that you have not written. I believe you are on to something.

I know of one guy, a friend of mine who is gay and cannot accept it, and also has drinking problems. He dates women, has sex with them and then when it fails to turn into a loving relationship, he moves on to the next one. Poor guy never falls in love, but really tries.

I think if I were you I would first get some concrete proof that he is guy. Then approach him gently on the subject (without revealing your proof, or how you got it). You need to convince him that you love him no matter what, and it is fine if he needs another person to fill a need.

The only downside is that helping him could end your marraige. But you already know this.

ok, the way I would bring up the subject is to keep an eye on the newspaper, or news article on gay rights, gay marriage, or some big news topic. There are tons of things going down right now in the US and UK. Then when the news article hits, bring up the topic about how you are going to be glad when the dust settles on same-sex marriage because it just seems fair and just, and then the country can get on with more pressing issues like jobs and the economy. I would use the media as an excuse to bring up the topic, and to state your opinion on it. Then ask his opinion? I am not sure you have the kind of communication for this talk, but this is one way to state you openness on the subject.

Then if you want to ask him directly, as if he ever had fantasies about men, or has had any play-around with another man before? Stay away from asking if he is gay or bi. The labels drive people further into the closet. But simply asking is he has any experience in it might be easier for him to answer.

You might ask him when he has had a few strong drinks, and has let his guard down.

So basically what I have said is to make your views on gays known (that you have no negative issues), and gently ask him if he has every had any past experiences (not current).

I am sorry about your problems here. Because you sound like a kind loving person, and have been treated with disregard sexually and maybe emotionally as well. It does look like he is either simply not into sex with you, or is in fact gay. Since you suspect gay, you must have some other clues you do not mention.

Maybe you need to do some detective work and find out more info. Who he hangs out with, or who he calls on the phone. But this sounds like you have already had a rough go. Poor guy, and sorry for you that he can't perform sexually.

 

Whatever is going on, I think you clearly should get out of the marriage. It is not meeting your needs. You are not satisfied in the relationship, and you have a right to have a satisfying relationship. I'm kind of puzzled as to why you have stayed in it this long. It doesn't even sound like you are very close emotionally.

Since the relationship is clearly not working regardless, you don't have any obligation to help him with whatever his sexuality issues might be. You've been trying for at least seven years. It is not working out. Leave him.

Are you dependent on him financially?

---------- Post added 12th Feb 2013 at 11:44 PM ----------

You should also look into codependency issues, since you seem to think it is your job to "save" him or something.

 

What about asexuality? That's possible from your post, OP.

 

His sexual orientation may very well be the cause, but either way, you should get out of that marriage. It sounds like it's definitely not meeting your needs and expectations, and he doesn't sound too happy with it either. You'll be doing both of you a favor if you admit it's not working and move on.

 

Ironically, I don't think your husband is in denial at all. By the sounds of it, you may be the one in denial. Of course, it's possible he might be into men. But that is one of hundreds of reasons why he may not be interested sexually, and definitely not the most likely one. It seems to me that you came to this conclusion because it means it can't be your fault. And I'm not saying it's your fault either; just that there may be other factors in you making this decision.

I think it's important to mention that, as a man (with many male friends) I can tell with complete confidence that men are NOT all the same. Not every man is a sexual person. This is what I think is the most likely explanation: your husband likes to have sex, but he likes to get it over and done with. He wants you to make him cum, then that's it.

No matter what the reason is for his behaviour, your list clearly doesn't offer much evidence of your husband being gay (or anything else for that matter). The only option is to talk to him. That's what relationships are about.

Edit:
My boyfriend and I have never been a sexual couple. He was worried about this at first, and I didn't know why I wasn't interested. Neither of us really cared because we were together because we loved each other, not so we could have sex. I did come to the realisation that I was actually "asexual", which put my boyfriend at ease as he didn't have to worry that he was unattractive or whatever. Not saying your boyfriend is asexual, just that to me, I don't see why you're even worried about it. There are couples that don't have sex at all (such as mine) and completely happy. You guys do have sex, in your own way, and that's all there is to it.

Also, regarding Chip's comment above, I think it's important to forget about the whole sexuality issue and move onto the bigger picture. Are you happy or not? If not, are you willing to talk to him? Are you willing to work on it? Is the relationship good for you and worth sticking to? Are the two issues here (lack of sexual interest and alcoholism, though I'm not sure if that's really an issue because you haven't told us anything about it) worth breaking up over, or are they something you can work on? I definitely don't recommend 'living with it', because that's a recipe for disaster.

---------- Post added 13th Feb 2013 at 01:40 PM ----------

I think the suggestion of codependancy was a bad move; now you've given the poster something else to worry about. There is no evidence in her post that this is the case, just the implication that she wants to help him if he has a sexuality crisis. Is this a psychological issue, or is it being in a relationship?

 

I don't think you can classify being with someone for 7 years, having little sex (undesired sex at that), no emotional connection and generally not seeming to even like the other person as a "relationship".

In any case, you generally don't do someone any good when they ask for help by brushing off their problems in hopes of "giving them less to worry about". Address the root of the problem and you often solve a lot of other things along the way.

 

I have to really disagree with you on this one. If they had a great sex-life before, but now suddenly don`t, then maybe I would agree with you. But when the sex-life seems somewhat dead as soon as the ring comes on, it does not seem to me like she is being in denial. Typically in a relationship, the wedding-night is good, the weeks after, when you`re in an exotic place, having a good vacation, the sex is supposed to be really great. It`s usually after some months have passed, or there`s suddenly children in the picture, that the sex-life dies. From what she says, I cannot see any sign that she`s trying to find something to blame, but that she has a valid point in that this is unusual behavior.

And I don`t think the mentioning of Codependency was a wrong move either. It can get pretty serious if left un-handled. I suffered from it, and it caused me a whole lot of crap. It does not nescessarily sound to me like you (OP) suffer from codependency, but be careful, because if your whole life starts revolving around "fixing" or "helping" your husband, then you are on the track towards it. You need to focus on you! And I agree with what some of the previous posters wrote, I think you really ought to consider having a serious talk with him, about ending the marriage. Usually a marriage starts on top, then goes down a bit over the years, until it either stabilizes or hits the rocks. Yours seem to have started quite low, and it is not going to get better for either of you. Have you considered couples therapy? Suggested it to him? I also agree with one former poster, who wrote you shouldn`t ask if he`s gay or bisexual. He`ll just deny and creep further into the closet. But you could say subtle things that show support towards LGBT causes, and gay men as of a general, so that maybe he`ll feel open about talking with you about these things.

(*hug*) This must be really difficult for you. At least you don`t seem very angry at him, which I guess a lot of women must be. I think I`d feel pretty fooled, and tricked, and maybe embarrased. It`s easy to get angry over these things. If he is closeted though, he might not even be aware of why he`s feeling the way he is at all. He could be totally in denial. In which case, you should not think that he was purposefully trying to trick you.

It could also be that he isn`t gay at all, just simply not a very intimate person, with a low sex-drive. He could have intimacy issues from when he was younger/child-hood. There are so many potential reasons, that it`s hard to say which one seems more likely.

Have you watched porn together? If you have, what kind of porn does he seem to "respond to"? Do you see him looking at men for a bit longer than he looks at women? Does he look at other women at all? Do you suspect him of cheating on you?

I would suggest couples therapy. Maybe he`d tell you some more about how he feels. Maybe it`s intimacy issues that could be worked on. I wouldn`t depend on it though. I would prepare myself for the very likely outcome that your marriage isn`t going to work out. And you should know sooner, rather than later. My mother always regretted having wasted 15 years on my father. Sure, she got some kids from it, but she wasn`t happy, and everyone deserves to be happy (*hug*)

 

It could be that he's numbing sexual attraction with alcohol, but one should understand that there are alcoholic asexuals. Her situation does reflect asexual-sexual relationships well as seen in 'for sexual partners, allies...' section for AVEN forum. So, asexuality is not ruled out. Asexuality is about lack of sexual attraction and asexuals do have sex for other reasons that does not go with relativistic interpretation of sexual attraction.

@Above: Porn activity isn't always a indicator of one's sexuality. I look at both men and women for 3+ hours, yet little interest only in women.

 

Here's the analysis of possibilities. Could be a blend of possibilities.

1. He could be asexual
2. He might be gay
3. Not generally interested into women or sex in general though.

1. He's more aesthetically attracted to guys, there's a difference between being aesthentically and sexually attracted to guys.
2. He might enjoy the touches of guys though not neccessarily sexual. Could be at a platonic level.
3. He's really homosexual.
4. Perhaps, he enjoy comforting guys, but that has nothing to do with his sexual or romantic attraction.

I'll say that this is an alarm, but I wouldn't be quick to assume since it's possible that it's entirely at a platonic level.

Have you referred him to AVEN yet? See if that's strike a chord for him.

http://www.asexuality.org/home/

That website.

 

The relationship is not satisfying your needs. This is the bottom line. It does not matter why or what he is. What matters is that you have a life and marriage is not all about either one of you. If he can't meet what you want find a way out. The reason is not that he may be gay, the reason is incompatibility. Divorce can be signed sealed and delivered in a relatively short time. You can get on with your life. hugs

 

Well, from the perspective of another straight woman in a sex-less marriage, I think you seem in deep trouble.
I have an asexual husband and we didn't have sex in years. That part of what you're saying isn't what is worrying to me. What worries me are the alcohol issues and the fact that your husband and you don't seem to be sharing much in your personal life.
My husband and I don't have sex, but we cuddle, we hug, we kiss, we share most of our free time together. My husband is my main support. He tells me he loves me everyday.
That doesn't mean we don't have issues sometimes, and yes, the lack of sex in our marriage is an issue, but we're able to talk about it. Your husband and yourself don't seem to communicate much about anything and that is a big issue. And the fact he drinks too much and tries to find himself excuses (like when he says the counselor is "pro-women") is definitely a red flag to me.
The chore of the problem is that you're unhappy with your husband and that your husband don't really seem to care. Gay or not, I think you'd be better off without him.
If you feel like talking about it, you're welcome to PM me anytime.
Take care, Cécile

 

Perhaps a sexual affair would be satisfying to you. I think that yes, your husband is a classic closet case. I would try and get him to come out to you.

You've seen the clues plain and simple. There are many men who are completely gay and in straight marriages trying hard to keep up a front to others. It is very sad for them. They are frustrated beyong words.

I hope your son is healthy and wonderful.

 

Well, maybe take it as a one day at a time kind of thing. Now you are able to acknowledge that the relationship is not working and you are not satisfied, therefore it may be better if you leave. Since you are financially dependent on him, could you start looking for a job so that you can support yourself and your son? And then take it from there...

 

You know what? The good thing is that you now realize that you're unhappy and you realize that there's something you can do about it. Don't get hung up over lost time or things you could've done better - what's in the past is already gone. Focus on now and what you can do to make yourself happier.

Do you have family or friends or someone you could stay with in the meantime? It might allow you to get out of the house sooner rather than waiting to be completely financially independent.