So I came out as gay a loooong time ago. It's also been a little while now since I came out as not gay, and I'm now completely at terms with what I am. My Mum really helped me to work myself out, and I' very thankful for that. However, I have a problem with how sexuality works in general. After recently discussing with a family friend who has a very interesting outlook on life, I realised something which I feel is very obvious, but people just don't think about. Sexuality clearly doesn't work the way that we all try to say it does. For example, the word "straight" is ambiguous at best, but generally means "someone who is sexually interested in the opposite gender". However, there are many straight men that I know (probably most of them, in fact) that have had some kind of run-in with homoeroticism, and this is not necessarily a case of "straight but curious" or "questioning their sexuality"; a lot of the time, it's because the men are so grounded and happy with what they are to just be themselves and allow whatever to happen, whether it follows the rules the word "straight" is forcing on them or not. The few straight people I know that I don't think would ever do anything even slightly gay tend to be more insecure, and feel that, because they identify themselves as straight, they must be that way, and make every effort to ensure that they are. It's also for these people that the identity crises happen in later in life (for example, someone who identifies as straight or gay, and has the problem of realising that's not the case at a very awkward time in their lives). This isn't only the case for straight people, of course; I came out as gay because I knew I wasn't straight, and the world was shoving in my face the idea that I had to be one or the other. So that's that. I was happy with my sexuality at the time, but it wasn't right. I didn't even consider the fact that I didn't actually find men sexually attractive - that was that. More recently, after growing up and seeing a counsellor, it made me realise that this was all a farce. My realisation? Identity like this is easy for us to understand. We naturally understand things better if they are obvious and definitive. In reality, we are humans. We are not obvious and we are not definitive. Everything about us is on a scale. We are as gay/straight as we are kind/arrogant. In geek terms, these things are not boolean; they're not just true or false. They are on a spectrum. Similarly, people are not "autistic" or "normal", people are not "evil" or "saintly", people are not "gay" or "straight". It's a lot more complicated than that, and I think it's harmful to think that way. So what does all of this mean? I decided to post this because, when registering here, there was no option in the drop-down box for Asexual. But then I decided, instead of just emailing someone and complaining, that it may be worth posting what I think here. The drop-down in the registration is handy sometimes, but I don't think it should be there. People should be encouraged to find their own identity and not just pick one from a box. I often find this problem on websites that are aimed at different sexualities, and I find it offensive that they expect us to have to fit ourselves in to their boxes, and deny ourselves our true identities. So, thoughts?
I really really like everything you say here. I like the idea of sexuality as not having to be defined as one thing or another. I especially love the line "People should be encouraged to find their own identity and not just pick one from a box." I think often people feel they should conform to being one thing or another, and are often too fast in labelling themselves, which is why lots of confusion occurs. This actually really helped me, so thank you for sharing!
Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets! You seem to have found where you could write in whatever you choose. The drop-down options are really just examples of the type of things that go in that field. You can enter whatever you like, in both the orientation field and the gender field--this is actually unlike many sites. It wouldn't be possible for the drop-down list to be exhaustive, because the possibilities are endless, as you point out. Some members are young, and in some cases, English is not their first language. If examples were not provided, some people might be confused about what sort of information they are supposed to put in that field. Also, many people who come to Empty Closets are struggling with self-acceptance. This makes it hard to use the words that describe their sexuality. Sometimes, they have a hard time typing the word "gay." Having a list that they can select an option from makes it easier for people who are working on overcoming their shame about being gay to take the step of selecting that option. Finally, having orientation and gender listed in the members info next to their post puts the post into context, enabling other members to give better advice. Language is always imperfect, but it is still necessary for communication. So, I'm sorry you were offended that your particular identity was not among the listed options, but that is why it is possible to enter whatever you like in that field. We just have listed the most common ones that our members need. It is very common for members to revise that field many times during their self-acceptance process.
That's actually a very interesting topic... I had a similar discussion with a good friend of mine who just happens to be a sexologist. He mentioned a new trend whereby a lot of the younger generation refuse to label themselves as this or that, they simply state that they are sexual, comfortable with themselves and confident enough to just go with the flow. They are attracted to personalities... Frankly that's me... I hate the idea of labelling myself, I'm not supposed to be placed in a box, I'm way too dynamic and fluid for that. I'm attracted to personalities, who ever, what ever they my be...
I have had same-sex encounters over many years (as safe as possible) and have successfully avoided the label "gay", or any other to describe myself, or rather, my behaviour. It may be that what was being avoided was the chaining of my identity (which includes far more than who I choose to bed) with my orientation (a good word by the way, as it captures a general direction more than a destination). For me, my very recent and very personal decision to choose gay when describing my sexual preference was made in light of the need to anchor my future decisions about relationships as honestly as possible. In other words (imperfect though they be) if I do not own up to my very strong (and getting stronger) preference, something I find impossible to choose, then I risk deceiving others about who I am, and that is a recipe for disaster.
I think that's the main issue for me. That may be something to do with how schools (and society) teach sexual orientation. By giving a few possibilities and defining them strictly, it's giving people the wrong idea about how it works. I used to have a problem in which, because of the way the world sees gay people, I was afraid to even call myself gay. It was odd; I knew I wasn't straight, and I didn't really understand how it worked, so I thought I had to be gay, bi or straight. But the worst thing was that, because of unfair assumptions people often seem to make about gay people (including being camp, bitchy, promiscuous etc) I was afraid to pick any of them. That was hard. That's where I think identification crises happen. This post isn't so much an objection to that feature; I completely understand why it's there. It was really just a way to tie the post in with the context of this forum. I do think this is quite tricky though; clearly it doesn't satisfy everyone, as the orientation that best fits in with me isn't in the list. To be able to satisfy everyone, the list would have to be preeetty long, and people would still be subconsciously identifying themselves incorrectly. Perhaps a box in the advanced profile that allows people to entire their own description of their sexual orientation in addition to this? I think that most people are, really. There are plenty of people that are happy to call themselves gay or straight or whatever and it never causes them any problems and that's absolutely fine, but most people I know aren't happy with that (especially those that I know who are interested in the same gender). It is the nature of people to be dynamic in every way they can. -and greatwhale, I love your reply. It just shows that someone has really thought about their sexuality and decided that they feel that gay works best for them. Obviously I'm not saying no-one should identify themselves as gay, just that they should be encouraged to think about their sexuality in a more open way.
Thank you for the compliment, "RavioliFaceMan", if that is your real name I chose, that is the key, I chose to call myself gay, knowing full well that it is a definition that seems to fit best with my particular situation for the foreseeable future. It is so important to know that foreseeable future means accepting that yes, things are fluid, but to exist even in the world of temporary things, there must be some degree of stability, for the sake of the future at the very least. But back to that choice, what has been surprising is that it has completely reframed my point of view, I suddently see things that I didn't realize before. Choice involves "decision" the root latin word of which means cutting away. This decision has cut away illusions, and closed doors that I should have never opened (marriage, for example) but when a door closes, a window opens, and the light suddenly appears...I can't change the past, it is gone, but in order to move forward, to live a life with integrity, I had to choose, not to say this will never change, but for now it fits!
