So, I'm trying to keep this brief. Have written and re-written this so many times already. I have problems with my gender identity and sexual orientation. My sex is female and I don't feel comfortable with it and I don't know which sex I'm attracted to. I'm 23, so maybe I'm a bit late, but I've always been "not normal." Always thought of myself as straight, largely, because physically I was always attracted more to men. Heterosexual porn never did anything for me, but gay porn did. Then I started reading homosexual stories, which I thought were lovely. Heterosexuality in stories and porn began making me feel uncomfortable. I began thinking about society and gender roles and found that the idea of settling down with a man, living together, becoming someone's "wife" and maybe getting children made me physically ill and so angry. I'm fine with heterosexual couples IRL--seeing them doesn't make me feel uncomfortable--as long as they appear to be on equal ground. I feel, somehow, and I hate myself for saying and feeling this, that heterosexual relationships are largely based on inequality due to the influences of society's "traditional gender roles." I think everyone should be equal, obviously, think no one inferior/superior, but it makes me physically ill to think about how, unconsciously, I connect my own being female to this stupid, ridiculous stereotype of "weak, passive, inferior, submissive female." I hate it because I know it's not true, but why do I feel like this, then? I'm in a relationship with a man, have been for 3 years, and have had sex maybe... 3, 4 times? I don't care to have sex with him. I don't want to have sex with him. It doesn't satisfy me in any way and just the idea of him going anywhere near my vagina makes me, again, physically ill. Just the idea of any man going near my vagina does. "Being penetrated," "being fucked," those are all things that make me as angry and uncomfortable as a bull seeing the colour red. It makes me irrational and confused and defensive. I don't want anything down there. I--ok, this is going to sound really stupid and I apologize if I'm being ignorant or stuff, I just--but, "being made for receiving" or some such stuff, like, I'm made for having something stuck in there so I can bear children--it makes me so mad. So ragingly mad. I don't want that. I don't want to "receive" or "to bear." I don't want anyone to stick anything in me. I don't want to be made for that. I don't want to have that part that's made for that. I also really fucking hate my breasts because they're so fucking useless and it makes me angry when people look at them or when my partner plays with my nipples or stuff, it just makes me so uncomfortable, like I shouldn't have them, like I don't want to. They're a bother, they're heavy and useless and ugly and I don't want to have them. Oh god, this is the first time I've ever really... said or written or thought this outside of my own head. I feel so sick now and my stomach hurts. I don't know what's wrong with me. And also, see, I suffer from a lot of mental health disorders--BED, BPD, social anxiety--so I don't know how much of that really stems from a genuine confusion about my own gender or just from how much I hate myself (including self-harm and suicidal thoughts when it's really bad) due to my mental health disorders. I'm such a mess, I haven't talked to anyone about this, I feel so wrong thinking these thoughts and so guilty for somehow connecting my own being female to this ridiculous stereotype of "weak, submissive etc female" because I know it's NOT TRUE. I don't--also, whom am I attracted to? I don't fucking know. There was one boy in my teenager years I was intensely attracted to--physically--but there was this one girl, at the same time, I was insanely attached to, emotionally. I don't know if the latter was a crush or not, but I was devastated when she stepped out of my life. Seeing handsome men makes my body go hot but having a woman stroking my skin, like, playing around with the skin of my wrists or something makes my body tingle. I don't know if it's sexual. As I said I've only ever had sex 3 or 4 times and I hate the idea of anyone sticking anything in my vagina, it makes me so fucking mad. I don't want that. When I masturbate it feels ok, I try not to think about which actual body part I have down there, I just close my eyes and rub and am done with it. It doesn't even feel that good, it's like I could just stop doing it and not miss anything much. But when I think about guys having sex, when I think about having a penis and having sex with another guy, or even having a penis and having another guy fuck me, it's okay. It doesn't repulse me. It feels better. Better and somehow--righter, like it's more correct, like it's juster, same-sex intercourse. God, I don't know. I'm sorry I'm such a mess, I don't know where to start, it's all confused in my head and I'm scared to think about it, I don't know. I don't know.
Hey guys, I'm sorry I'm writing here again, but I've been having a couple rough days. I've actually had a breakdown two days ago, part of which was grabbing my breasts and saying over and over again that I don't want to have them. I don't really know what to think about it and I feel so ashamed, and it led to me talking to my partner about this, for the first time ever. He didn't know I've been having these thoughts--he knew I despise my body, but nothing more--and then he sat down and cautiously told me if I ever decided to become... a man, to become male, he'd break it off because there are lines he doesn't want to cross. I understand it. And I'm not even that sad about it, because to be honest I think I'm going to break it off with him anyway since I'm not in love with him anymore. But about--about my body, I'm just feeling so sick at the moment, like I don't want to talk about it because it scares me but I can't get it out of my head. I don't even know what I want, most of the time it's just so confusing, and I don't know what to think anymore I also don't really know if my feelings are for real, or if I'm just like really mad at all these stupid traditional gender roles and how I don't want to fit in there. I don't know one from the other anymore.
(*hug*) to both of you. That was really huge that you told him! You aren't alone in this. I'm going through something really similar, and so are a lot of people here. It sounds like you're being really honest with yourself and how you feel. They are really not easy feelings to deal with or even explain to other people at all. How much room do you have to figure things out? I have an outlet here where I can be the woman I feel like I am inside. I also have some close friends I've told about everything. But other than that it's always very hard to get any room at all to figure myself out. And I know for me I had to figure myself out before I could even think about who I wanted to be with! I can't give anything but (*hug*) because I feel like I don't know what I'm doing most of the time myself. I know we're starting in different places but so many of the things you said just feel so familiar, like I could have said them with a couple words changed. I really hope you get the room you need.
What you are suffering through is a severe case of gender dysphoria hun. I would seriously look into if you are a transsexual female to male, as you sound like a classic case of it. Most of us transsexuals go through the beginning phase that you are suffering with right now. And don't make the common mistake of confusing gender identity and sexual preference with societies mandate of what gender roles are. The world is not nearly as black and white as it teaches. Let me tell you a little about my story. I tried very hard to date girls and be "the perfect boyfriend". But the role I was expected to play in my relationships always felt so wrong to me. I could not understand why I felt jealousy and envy along with lust when I looked at my girlfriends. I would eventually get angry that I wasn't being given the same treatment and privileges that I was giving them and start to pick my girlfriends apart. The more they tried to treat me like a guy the more hurt and confused I became. They wouldn't know how to respond when I'd say things like "But I don't want to be strong or handsome. I want to be cute.". Whenever one of them would try to rub my genitalia I felt a cold shiver down my spine and an overwhelming sense that it felt insanely wrong. After several failed relationships with women in High School I tried experimenting and dated a homosexual man. After that quickly went nowhere I began to question what in the heck I was. If I wasn't a homosexual male and I clearly couldn't hold a relationship with a woman, what was I? To add to my confusion at the time I couldn't understand why I felt so scared and angry going through puberty. Things that guys were supposed to get excited over I was dreading. I hated that I started to grow body hair, that my adams apple was sticking out like some sort of alien bursting out of my neck...heck, even how deep my voice was sounding started to sicken me. And my erections...oh god, they felt so foreign and disgusting. Everyone kept telling me that it was a "wonderful" thing what I was going through, yet I felt like I was changing into some sort of freak. My beauty was masked under a think rug of ugly facial hair. Then there was sex. What I was taught I should do with a woman downright disgusted me. I was supposed to stick that...thing into a woman and enjoy it? I would wash my hands several times after just touching it to urinate. I couldn't wrap my mind around using it to have pleasure. My few attempts at masturbating only lead to me throwing up and feeling disgusted. When I tried watching straight porn it just sickened me. I would fantasize about being the woman feeling pleasure, but the male part of it, the part I was supposed to be, just looked so unrefined and barbaric. None of what I was being told and shown made any sense to me. I tried to convince myself for the longest time that I was just a really feminine cross-dressing guy. While growing up I was fed misinformation that transsexuals were only attracted to the same physical gender they presented. Since I clearly wanted women I must have just been a really confused guy then. I muddled through 15 years of depression and suicide attempts because what I saw myself as mentally wasn't this person I saw in the mirror. After graduating High School I went to college and studied full time so I wouldn't have time to worry or be depressed about what I was. That plan worked until I graduated and was then expected to find a job and a wife to settle down with. I found a job just fine, but then I fell back into having relationships with women explode in my face time and again. My friend felt sorry for me and tried dating me. When she tried to get physical with me on our third date I ended up breaking down in tears. It was then that I finally admitted to myself and her that I was never meant to be a man. However, I'm now on the path to fixing my body to fit what I was meant to be born as. Transitioning into a woman has made me the happiest that I've been in my entire life. I completely understand the frustration and anger you feel being told something that clearly doesn't fit with what your mind is saying. I highly recommend you go to a transsexual therapist and tell them how you feel. Look for a gender specialist though, as many therapists have zero clue on how to handle our issues. If someone lists Transgendered on a laundry list of others "skills" chances are they know very little to nothing about the issue. I'd also encourage you to find a local GLBT group and see if they have any information on F2M transsexualism or others who have gone through the same experience. It is surprisingly common to be a homosexual male that was physically born in a female body. Don't let your outside appearance try to fool you. Look deep down in your heart for the answers.
Hey I didn't wanna rant up your thread but you kinda got me started, so if you're bored, http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-...4299-rant-about-gender-roles.html#post1362602
