So I'd like to be gay... but it seems the universe is conspiring against me.

So you don't need convincing that you're gay. You know that already. I can relate to how inconsiderate gay guys can be. But my sample size is small. So is yours. It will take some patience, but you'll find someone who you can share your life with. Give it time.

If I had to put forth a theory about why there exists a stereotype about gay guys being inconsiderate and shallow, I would say that it's probably a product of heterosexism. Because of the oppression we face, we feel unsafe to come out, so we don't do all that adolescent, borderline unethical stuff that straight people do in relationships in high school (like 16-18). We do that stuff at like 22-24 years old, and sometimes older, depending on how unsafe each particular gay guy felt in various stages of life. I think the considerable delay in the sexual exploration phase causes this. Essentially what's happening is adolescent social development in adulthood.

Love,

Adrian.

 

Try a dating agency or dating site. They are getting more popular with each passing day so peoples chances of finding someone they are genuinely interested in are getting better.

 

I think you are touching a sensitive point here...I delayed for a long time acknowledging that I am gay because I have had experiences and have heard of others who have had miserable experiences happen to them with the "dating" scene. No amount of explanation or searching for the "causes" of this will justify or excuse general crappiness. I think it is just part of a general trend toward selfish and inconsiderate behaviour, whether gay or straight.

I still believe there are guys out there (and all you need is one) who are different, who are considerate, romantic and kind, it just takes time to find him. Unfortunately, we live in an impatient age and we don't have very clear ideas of what we are looking for.

Perhaps it's because we no longer have, in society in general, the rituals associated with what was once called "dating". Things like actually setting a date, in the future no less, and dressing for it and making a big deal out of going out together.

These little things may seem archaic and formal now, but not too long ago they did serve a useful purpose: they tended to filter out a**holes. My advice: keep your standards high from the get-go, don't be afraid to get to know him better before committing to anything, take your time (three things are usually enough to reveal a person's true stripes: anger, money and what happens when he's drunk) don't ever settle for anything less than the best, make no excuses for bad behaviour, you deserve nothing less!

 

I'm not a gay guy, but I would think that if there are enough gay guys here who are tired of or not into the 'traditional' gay dating scene, then you definitely can find like minded guys out there too! I that makes sense.

 

To paraphrase Bret Easton Ellis: "Someone needs a reality check. Things don't get better"

Just kidding, LOL. Things will surely get better for you, and you'll meet someone nice eventually. I wouldn't do a dating site because for the most part, people are really just interested in sex.

 

A lot of my friends have ideas like this too, that they date and get their hearts broken. And they wonder if they'll ever find anyone who actually treats them well. To give them some hope, I do the math for them.

Statistically, 8-10% of the population is gay, depending on where you live. Large cities have a higher percentage, so we'll go with 10 since you're in NYC. The total population of NYC in 2011 was 8,244,910. Typically, gender ratios are within 1 or 2 percent of 50/50. So, if we assume half of new york are men, that's 4,122,455 men. And 10% of that is 412,245 gay men There probably aren't quite that many of them out there, but even if only a quarter of them are, that's still over a hundred thousand guys. Happy hunting. I'm certain with that many fish in the barrel, you're bound to pick a keeper. Just keep your chin up.

 

Have you ever thought of dating guys in their 30's who might not have "the look"? I was on the dating scene last year and passed on pleanty of pretty boys who expressed intrest in my profiles online. The date sites did not bring me one decent date. In my case I get hit on enough in person as it is. I just had it in my mind I wanted a gay one this time. So I tried Pleanty of Fish and Match dot com.

I look for a couple of things in a man. One thing is a good work history. A man who has been in a job for years tends to be the type who can get along with others and has staying power. After all a job is a relationship in itself. I listen to what they say! Guys will always tell you who they are if you read between the lines. I also look at his family, but this is not a dealbreaker. They can really be a problem, or a blessing in a relationship. If he has kids, like mine does, is he a good dad and provider? If so, you know how you will be taken care of.

Never date a man if you find he is cheating to be with you. Also if he has a drug problem run! No matter how hot he is he will pick your bones clean before dumping you. Most of all the chemistry must be there for both of you. I have had 3 great relationships and one really bad one and lots of dates between. These have been just some things I picked up on over the years.

Hope it helps, June

 

Try meeting people in other ways--get involved in the community, and meet people who have common interests to you through other things than a dating site. This will give you a better foundation for a relationship. You will also make friends.

Are you involved in any social activities in the community?