I am a 23 years old male and I am struggling with my sexuality. I have a lot of anxiety because of this, and it's kind of ruining my life. It goes like this: when I was a teenager, I used to love girls' bodies. I fell in love with some girls (or I had huge crushes). I craved for having sex with them. Meanwhile, I had these fantasies focused on men's penises, but they didn't bother me so much. They were just weird. I didn't like men's bodies, and I hadn't ever see a man in a sexual way. Then one day, I've lost a lot of interest in girls. It happened when I was 15-16 years old (can't remember). The last girl I felt something for was the most beautiful girl in my highschool, and she rejected me (while I was convinced that she was into me). I think that maybe this fact had a role in my loss of interest. Or maybe not. Who knows... So, I had lost my interest in girls, while my little interest for men was the same. It was limited to sexual fantasies, in which I didn't find the male's body attractive. It was just the "act" of having sex that aroused me. I tried to have sex with men, for two times. First time was horrible. I didn't felt anything. Second time, I enjoyed it, even if I didn't felt physical attraction towards the man (or any other man). But I was a lot in control, and I experimented all my fantasies. For girls, well, I have said that I've lost a lot of interest. I'm not telling the whole truth, because my attraction towards them changed with time. And in strange ways. At final year of highschool, I was physically attracted by a girl in my class. She was really into me and touching her body gave me strong boners. I was like driven to her body. But when we tried having sex, I couldn't get an erection. It really sucked. When I was 18 years old, I dated a girl. She was a 6, and she was really stupid. I didn't connect that much with her. I had boners for her but sex, even handjobs, wasn't good and it was hard to keep an erection (but the erections and attraction were there when I was with her but not in a sexual situation). So I dumped her. (Recently I've seen her again. She was flirting with me, she was clearly into me. And I had a boner just because she was talking with me! Suddendly, she had become my number one straight sexual fantasy - while I can have girls way more interesting than her!) However, after some months after this girl, I went out with another girl. There was a deep connection between us, and after some months of trying (it was hard for me to get a good lasting boner) we have sex. She proved pain all the time and I didn't find it exciting, even if I liked her body. About my boners: again, my penis was very reactive when I wasn't having sex. With clothes on, I was pretty much sexually aggressive: I wanted to touch her, ecc. After we have had sex for the first time, I felt good and I wanted to do it again (my penis reacted to the thought of sex, which is something that it usually "he" doesn't do). But after that sex, she just didn't want to do it again and I've lost that "moment". While I was dating her, I fell for another girl. I did not thought about her sexually, but I was like obsessed with her. I craved for touching her body and to kiss her, but I think I was kind of too much scared of her think about having sex. I don't know. But still, I had these strong feelings for her. I didn't even had sexual fantasies on her: my straight sexual fantasies were directed toward my girlfriend. But I was really jealous of her. I hated every guy who talked to her. Never felt this way for a girl. However I dumped the last girl because of this feeling towards this new girl, but this new girl wasn't into me. In the mean time, I went out a lot and it happened to me, for like 2-3 times, to prove attraction towards random girls. A girl I've met in a club. I wanted to stay close to her, to touch her, and she was into me. Or a girl I've met in party. She was into me too. BUT I was dating a new girl, the current girl I am dating. And I have strong feelings for her, the strongest I have ever felt for a girl probably. I like her eyes, I like holding her, I like kissing her, I kind of like her vagina too. Or that's what I used to think, because there is one problem: I am scared of having sex with her, because my penis doesn't seem to work well. I tried to have sex with her but I have lost my erection (which I had while we were making out). I do like her body but sex isn't exciting for me for some reasons. When I go out with her, all I want to do is kissing her and holding her and touch her. And I thinks she's beautiful. Not "sexy" (like my first ex, my "fantasy"). Just really, really, beautiful. It has happened that I fantasized about her in a sexual way, after one night that she showed to me some real sexual interest. In fact, one problem with her is that she's very cold. She is just not "sexual". I am her most stabile relationship, and I think that for her that's something huge, but she always act cold, distant. I am the one who starts kissing her. I am the one ask her out. We are, like, a couple, but I still don't know if she likes me or not. One time we tried having sex, but my erection wasn't there and I get really scared. We ended up with her giving me blowjob/handjob and me giving her oral sex. From that "failure" I've become really detached. It's like some part of me want to avoid her. I prove anxiety in watching her photos, and even reading a book that she gave to me. When I go out with her it's all normal but when I am alone I tend to avoid thinking to her (while before I'd like to imagine her in my arms while sleeping). With men, it is quite the opposite: I don't really like their bodies, I've never had crushes on them, but I find sex with them arousing. The only body tipes I like are that of men who I think are desperate for sex: often older men or big muscular guys. It's easy to masturbate with them. Very easy, and that scares for me, because sometimes I fear that masturbating with them is easier than masturbating with women. If they're not my ex. Which it fucking doesn't make sense, because there are hotter girls that I can have (like the one I am dating right now!!). My ex is just an easy slut. In porn, I watched 70%-80% of the time heterosexual porn. I don't know what I am. For some reasons, I don't like the "bisexual" label. I tend to think that my sexual behaviour has a lot to with insecurity. It is like I am aroused by things that can't reject me (men, girls I know they want me) and not by things that can reject me (girls I don't know they're into me, girls I fear their judgement like the girl I am dating. But that is only my opinion. I don't know. It has become a huge problem to me. I can't sexually perform with the girl I think I love, and that is affecting even my feelings for her, and I'm wondering why, and every answer I give to me just make the anxiety more powerful. And so I've become compulsive about it, I always try to understand if I like guys or not and I just can't tell it. It seems like I have arrived to a point where the more I think the less I know. What am I? Gay? Bisexual? Heterosexual, with some issues? Thanks for reading.
In a psych class at university, we were taught that men truly know their identity by the time they are like 22 or 23, as in their interests, character, sexuality etc. I don't know if this is a valid point, but if you don't even know at that point, you're probably at least bi. Only you know, though.
