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Old 13th Feb 2013, 02:56 PM   #1
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Default emotionally attracted but not physically? Help :(

So...I've had a crush on a friend for quite some time. It's definitely a crush....and the first and only crush I've ever had on another girl. What I'm wondering is can you be emotionally attracted to someone and not physically? Like....I don't want to have sex with her. I think she's attractive but....I've always identified as straight and have never found another girl attractive. I have however always been attracted to personalities without finding the other person attractive or ever wanting to take our relationship to a physical level. Which is currently getting me into trouble with my current relationship...I've been dating the same guy for almost 5 years and it's a very seriously relationship. Been living together for 3 years, have talked about marriage, kids, the whole thing....we even have a pet together. Like, the kitten we have is ours, not mine or his (animal lover here...my pets are like my children so its a big deal lol). Anyways, sex has been a bit of an issue lately because I haven't wanted to do anything and he knows me well enough to know somethings up. No, I don't think I can tell him I have a crush on someone. It doesn't matter that it's another girl, he'd just have a problem with me liking someone else, and really he has self-esteem issues so I couldn't do that to him. We've been dating since our junior year of high school (I'm 22 going to be graduating college in May). I've been on my own since turning 18 because my parents passed away when I was younger and the rest of my family aren't exactly winners who care too much about me.


Anyways, I just really don't know what to do....I've had a crush on this girl for about a year and it hasn't gone away, if anything my feelings have just gotten stronger. I know I'm young but I'm in a different situation that most people my age....which might also have something to do with me always being friends with people much older that me. Like, my closest friends are 6+ years older than me. The only exception is my boyfriend, who is the same age, but he's also been more mature for his age and has gone through more than most people have by 22. Anyways, the girl I have a crush on is 38. She lost her job about 2 years ago and decided to go back to undergrad, which is how we met. She is gay btw. Just got out of a relationship with someone who I actually just met because she wanted to meet me? Idk. I think her ex suspects somethings up, but isn't jealous or anything...she's the one that broke it off with the girl I like. Ughh..idk. I really just wanted to hear all of your guy's thoughts on this, because I don't really have anyone else to tell, and really wouldn't feel comfortable telling my other close friends. She's the only one I would tell, but obviously that isn't going to happen lol. And I know I don't actually want to start anything with her because that wouldn't be fair to her. I think she might like me too, but I have nothing to prove that, it's just a feeling have. Just little things that I've picked up on.

Ok...I think that's all I;ve got for now.
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Old 14th Feb 2013, 04:11 AM   #2
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Default Re: emotionally attracted but not physically? Help :(

Yes you can definitely be just emotionally attracted to someone without any sexual attraction. For some people its on an individual basis, while for others it applies to the whole gender; e.g. sexually attracted to men, emotionally attracted to women.

Is the reason you aren't interested in sex with your boyfriend because you've got feelings for your friend, or is it unrelated?
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Old 14th Feb 2013, 10:25 AM   #3
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Default Re: emotionally attracted but not physically? Help :(

I think it's definitely related but it's not the entire reason. The thing is I was originally emotionally attracted to my boyfriend and not particularly physically attracted so now that's getting me into trouble with him because I never really want sex. Idk it's kind of a weird situation. But having a crush on my friend I think does have something to do with it

I've debated telling my friend somehow or "accidentally" making it so she finds out that I like her, but I think it's best to not say anything. It's hard when the person you would go to about this stuff is the one person you can't and probably shouldn't. But I had to tell someone and that's how I found this forum lol.
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Old 14th Feb 2013, 03:48 PM   #4
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Default Re: emotionally attracted but not physically? Help :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by confused7 View Post
I think it's definitely related but it's not the entire reason. The thing is I was originally emotionally attracted to my boyfriend and not particularly physically attracted so now that's getting me into trouble with him because I never really want sex. Idk it's kind of a weird situation. But having a crush on my friend I think does have something to do with it.
after reading your original post i thought that there was the chance that you might be demisexual, but after reading your second post (the bolded text above in particular), i think that you may be somewhere along the asexual spectrum and biromantic/bisexual or panromantic/pansexual.

some of the terms that i just used you may be unfamiliar with, so i will try to explain as briefly as possible....

first of all, there are two main types of orientations and attractions: sexual orientations/attraction and romantic (emotional) orientations/attraction. i'm sure you're at least vaguely familiar with heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. all three of these are sexual orientation which experience sexual attraction, the difference between them all is who the sexual attraction is towards.

asexuality, on the other hand, is a complete lack of sexual attraction towards anyone. that is to say, an asexual never experiences arousal in a sexual sense, they lack a desire to have sex with anyone (although that doesn't mean they don't have sex at all; some end up in a relationship with a sexual partner and agree to have sex for their partner's sake) and they would be completely happy to go through life without sex at all. this isn't to be confused with celibacy, which is a conscious choice to abstain from sex; asexuals do not choose to not experience sexual attraction anymore than heterosexuals, for example, choose to be sexually attracted only towards the opposite sex/gender. it's simply how one is. it is also not to be confused with a low sex drive/libido. some asexuals do, in fact, have a high sex drive, it's just not as a result of an attraction to anyone particular person, unlike sexual attraction.

similar to asexuality, there is also gray-asexuality and demisexuality; both of these sexualities fall along the "asexual spectrum" that i previously mentioned. gray-asexuals occasionally experience sexual attraction, but many gray-as that i know can count on one hand the number of times that they have experienced it in their entire life. demisexuals, on the other hand, do not experience sexual attraction until they establish a strong connection with someone. that is to say, like gray-asexuals, they are essentially asexual in nature until something happens that triggers sexual attraction towards someone. for gray-as, that trigger may never be known and often rarely happens at all. for demis, that trigger is often (but not always) a strong connection with someone, and how strong that connection needs to be before sexual attraction is experienced differs from person to person. demisexuality is technically considered to be a subset of gray-asexuality because they are closely related.

as with asexuality, homosexuality, etc, neither gray-asexuality nor demisexuality are a choice. neither gray-as nor demis choose to abstain from sex; sexual attraction is simply non-existent to them until the previously mentioned triggers occur. once again, this has nothing whatsoever to do with simply having a low sex drive/libido.

.......does all of that make sense so far?

i'll give my own short story as an example of demisexuality. *copies & pastes from elsewhere*

Spoiler


you may not be demisexual, but does any of that sound familiar....?

now on to romantic orientations as all of the previously described orientations were sexual. from Wikipedia:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wikipedia
Affectional orientation (or romantic orientation) is used both alternatively and side-by-side with sexual orientation. It is based on the perspective that sexual attraction is but a single component of a larger dynamic. To holders of this view, one's orientation is defined by whom one is predisposed to fall in love with, whether or not one desires that person sexually.
you can read more here.

romantic orientations are widely used within the asexual (and thus also the gray-a and demi) community because even though asexuals (who are known as "aces" btw), gray-as ("graces") and demis experience sexual attraction differently or not at all, they are still completely capable of falling in love with someone just like anyone else. romantic orientations describe this. such orientations include:



and while i love the above image, there's one thing i would correct about it:

biromantic is the capability to be romantically attracted to ones own gender as well as to other gender(s). it does not necessarily mean two genders, although to some people it may. how many genders actually exist is a topic for another time!

anyway, do you understand romantic orientations...? for example, someone could be:

an aromantic heterosexual: they are sexually attracted to the opposite sex/gender (or to genders different from their own, if you want to be technical!), but they completely lack romantic attraction; that is to say, that they do not fall "in love" as such.

a biromantic homosexual: they are sexually attracted to the same sex/gender as themselves, but have the capacity to not only fall in love with someone of the same sex/gender, but to someone of a different sex/gender(s) as well.

a homoromantic asexual: they lack sexual attraction towards anyone, but they are capable of falling in nlove with someone of the same sex/gender as themselves.

when it comes to gray-asexuals and demisexuals, some choose to pair their respective sexual orientations with a romantic orientation to describe who they have the potential to falling in love with, as shown above. however, because gray-as and demi do experience some level of sexual attraction, unlike asexuals, and because unlike "homosexual", "bisexual" and the like, "gray-asexual" and "demisexual" do not at all describe who their sexual attraction is towards, some gray-as and demi choose to pair up their respective sexual orientations with a second sexual orientation which describes both their sexual attraction as well as romantic attraction! (see Wikipedia: Sexual Orientation if you're confused as to how sexual orientations can describe both attractions.)


...... *pauses to look up at what she has written* ....lol, look it's a NOVEL! XD i'm so sorry!

anyway, i hope the above leaves you with more answers than questions, although i'm sure it hasn't answered everything for you and may well have brought about new questions! sorry again. i wish you the best of luck working out what's right for you.

it'd be nice if the mods/admins could amend this somewhere to help others as well, as i feel like many people could relate to your (the OP's) situation and to the information that i have given.
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Old 14th Feb 2013, 05:43 PM   #5
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Default Re: emotionally attracted but not physically? Help :(

Haha, oh wow, that was a lot to read. Thank you though, I've never even heard of any of that. That does explain a lot lol. Although, I've definitely been sexually attracted to people, and I wouldn't necessarily say I have a low sex drive/ libido, but I've never dated anyone that I was sexually attracted to. The guys I've dated I've always dated after becoming friends with and talking for hours and hours to at a time and that's usually when the crush starts lol. But the sexual attraction has never been there, it's always been a romantic attraction. And I've been dating my current boyfriend for almost 5 years, we were 17 when we started dating, and I do love him, but I've never been sexually attracted to him and I think that's where the problem is now. But I really can't tell him that because he doesn't exactly have the highest self-esteem. And most of the times we've had sex has been for his sake because I was never really interested in it. Again, something he has no idea of. I'm not really sure if I would fall into any of those catagories, if any it would probably be the demisexual, but I don't know. And I've never had any romantic or sexual feelings for another girl, ever, this is the first and only time it's happened. And it's mostly a romantic attraction, but there's some sexual attraction there. But since it has only been the one girl, I don't think I would consider myself bisexual either. Ugh. Idk. I'm confused lol


Do you think I should tell this girl that I like her, or just keep it to myself? I'm afraid to ruin a friendship and we've been good friends for 2 years now and I don't want to loose that. And I don't want to make it awkward either. But I think I'd feel a lot better if she knew.
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Old 15th Feb 2013, 01:34 AM   #6
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Default Re: emotionally attracted but not physically? Help :(

sounds like you've really just hit the tip of the iceberg as far as your sexuality goes. often it takes a lot of self-reflection, reexamining of the past and thought in general for people to fully realize their sexuality. give yourself some time and space to think about it.

as for whether or not you should tell your crush.... i think that really depends on your reasoning for wanting to tell her and what you expect to get out of her knowing. if the only or main reason you want to tell her is just to get a weight off your back, you have to consider what wait that may put on her back in turn. how do you expect she will react? do expect her to take it a certain way? keep in mind that if you tell her, she may feel like you're telling her because you expect a certain response from her. are you prepared for what her response may be? you are currently in a relationship..... IF she confessed to liking you too, then what? where will your confession have gotten you? on the other hand, IF she says nothing or starts to avoid you because she knows you're in a relationship and doesn't want to encourage you to cheat, then what? then again, IF she completely rejects you, then what...? will you still feel better for having confessed to her....?

i think you really need to consider all of those things, if you haven't already. i also think that you need to refrain from telling her until you are entirely ready to deal with not only the consequences for your relationship with her, but also the consequences for your relationship with your current partner. realize that confessing to her while you are in a relationship may put her into a tough position.... ESPECIALLY since you claim to be neither biromantic nor bisexual, your confession may very well confuse her even more than you yourself are already confused regarding your sexuality and i highly doubt she will make any positive move towards you when you are so full of uncertainty yourself.

think about it...
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