I posted a few days ago about my confusion regarding my sexuality. The past two days have been a little better and last night and most of today I was beginning to think that I might just be a lesbian. And that made me surprisingly happy. But all of my doubts are rushing back. Maybe I'm just a really confused straight girl who happens to have a crush on her best friend (is that a thing?). All of this thinking is just making me depressed. I don't know who I am at all. I'm trying to think back to when I was younger and I know over the past several years I've caught myself being attracted to women in movies and TV shows but I kept telling myself that I just wanted to be like them...not be with them. I've never been the type of girl to talk to her friends about how attractive a guy was. Like, I would realize and understand that he was really attractive but I could never talk about him in the way that my friends did. I did have a pretty solid crush on my one guy friend in high school but that was it. Ever since then I haven't had any crushes on any guys at all. I can tell that I've trained myself to look at a guy and think, "Hey, he's cute". But it just doesn't feel natural. It really doesn't. Even the words boyfriend and husband seem foreign. All of the signs point to me being gay, I know. But after 20 years of assuming I was straight, it's hard to let go of. The funny thing is that I actually think that I want to be gay. If I was, SO many aspects of my life would make sense. But then I worry that this "want" is influencing my thoughts. But then why am I still holding onto the idea of being straight if I feel like being a lesbian would make me happier? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? I've increasingly been able to see myself dating another girl or even having sex with one. (I've never been in any sort of relationship before so what if I'm just becoming desperate?) But the more I think about it, the better sex with another girl sounds. It honestly seems more intimate and emotional to me. I've always thought that penises were kind of strange...I don't see the attraction of them. So I guess my main concern is this: I can see that all of the signs point to me being gay, and I actually think that this would make me happier. But if this is true, why am I still doubting myself? Why won't I let myself accept it?
Hi, Sorry this didn't get a reply sooner. The site is growing rapidly. It does sound like you are gay. And in denial. That's what it is when your mind refuses to accept the obvious. Even though on one level, you want to be gay, another part of you is resisting it. When you get through your denial, you will probably freak out a little. I know that right now, you think you won't, that if you were gay, you wouldn't have a problem with it. But you are gay, and you ARE having a problem accepting it. So, once you break through this wall of denial and bargaining, you will find emotions that you are not aware of, that are the reason you are in denial in the first place. See here: Stages of Grief, for more information. (Aimed at gay men, but still relevant to you.) So, anyway, yes, you really sound gay.
