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Gay bar last night (finally)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PeteNJ, Feb 14, 2013.

  1. PeteNJ

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    A couple weeks back, I posted that I chickened out on going to a local gay bar.

    So I went last night, with a couple of other guys from the gay support group.

    A lot of fun. :eusa_danc

    Talked with several men there, but one in particular...

    (I am so stupid about how to read this open gay life maybe connecting with guys thing)

    We talked a long time, hes a bit younger than me. Invited me to a bear weekend with him (gotta think about that). Then he tells me his favorite age men to date is 40 - 50.

    Now he doesn't know how old I am, from me saying so. But here's how I took what he said -- he must think I'm older and is letting me off the hook. Later, methinks that maybe that was an opening and I should have been more direct with him. Damn.

    Changing how I navigate the gay world, from just hook ups, to thinking about dating and relationships -- I feel like I have no clue.
     
  2. Sarah1

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    good luck Pete! you nvr been to a gay bar? did you come out recently? I just came out two days ago. I went to the abbeys yesterday ( best gay bar in the world, apparently) but I just went to happy hour cuz I'm not really the clubbing type either. I only have one gay friend and I'm not sure how to meet other gay people
     
  3. RainbowMan

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    Sarah and Pete - join the club. I've got no freaking clue how to navigate the gay world. Though my therapist has said "this is all new to you. You're going to fall flat on your face a few times". Geez, thanks. Probably true, and a sage piece of wisdom (spoken from experience, perhaps).

    Keep that in mind, and like I said in response to that "I guess you have to learn to crawl before you run" :grin: Just keep your chin up, and everything will work out in the end.
     
  4. June Cleaver

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    My advise is don't just jump on the first one. Go out, have fun, meet guys, get numbers, but be carefull not to get attached to one untill you have known him a while. Generally guys you find in bars arn't worth dating. That's the regulars who are there all the time. The ones who come out with friends like you every now and then are the ones you want to meet. If you find one that gets your attention, force yourself to take it slow. It will be hard I know, but a good relationship takes time to develop and if it gets to real to fast he will pull away from you. Watch out for the L word comming up too soon. Also be aware there are lots of users out there and they talk sweet untill they use you up or find a better mark. I am 40 and if you are like me, I own a nice home on land, nice car, and outwardly appear sucessfull. When I had a dating profile up I would get a lot of 18 to 26yo guys sending me messages. All but one I just thanked, and one I talk with as friends on the phone still. Lots of young ones look for a older one to be their sugar daddy. So be alert for that. There are a few younger ones that are real, it takes time to see. I just prefer to date in my own age bracket. That is just me. Hope this helps! June
     
  5. Lance

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    I don't think that every young guy that hits on older men just wants a sugar daddy, although I'm sure some do. Some genuinely do prefer older guys to date and be in relationships with. The dynamics of it is a bit hard to get over and work out though, so I would be cautious on getting into something with a young guy. I enjoy older men a lot myself, but I will admit it would just be a sexual thing, not to date since we are too different and not at similar points in life.
     
  6. KTWK

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    I have a lot more experience with the youth gay community than with the adult gay one, so I don't feel like I really can speak on that part.

    But I can say that I know those guys who date (much) older men in the 35-50 age bracket who are much younger themselves (16-28ish) are, like June said, often just looking for some kind of "sugar daddy," and not legitimate, long term loving relationships. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with those if you're willing to play your part, but if you're looking for "real" conventional relationships then be wary of the young'ns.

    Of course everyone's different and there's no hard and fast rules of love and all that good stuff. He may not be one of those people.
     
  7. Kenaz

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    @OP, others:

    As for finding other gay people outside of bars and clubs if that is not your style (as it is not my particular favorite, either) -- try finding a local LGBT center. Many of these places offer programs for gays to come in and meet one another, socialize. Often you can find organizations that are under the Center. I have seen some for the older crowd, the youth, and the mid-aged as well. This ranges from supporting LGBT in school, going out for dinner, bowling, hiking trips, etc.

    If there is nothing in the immediate area, look for the next closest one and call them. See if they know anyone in the area. For example, I found a local LGBT center that is still in the process of being founded, so I am now involved in creating the change I'd like to see!

    The possibilities end only where your imagination does.
     
  8. B06SAJ1a

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    I figure that, for guys like Pete and me, our desires are going to be refreshed as we release our control and accept our new desires and sexuality more authentically. I find myself very attracted to younger men. And why wouldn't I? - they have testosterone at levels that I no longer have and that's easy for us to pick-up on. The question for me is how do I honor the desires without doing what's described above - being drawn into something that's unhealthy. I'm working on that, but I think it helps to accept and and admit to myself the desire for younger men and then deal with each situation individually....that's where I am today....but it's good advice to move slowly. Thank you all for that guidance.
     
  9. skiff

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  10. cardenio

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    Seems like this post got a little derailed. Now, back to the issue at hand.

    He invited you somewhere with him, which is a pretty clear indication that he would like to spend some time with you and get to know you better, which leads me to believe that he was actually verbalizing his interest in you when he made that comment about age. If you are at all interested in him, which you seem to be, I think you should seriously consider giving him that chance, even if not at that precise event.
     
    #10 cardenio, Feb 18, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2013
  11. skiff

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    Hi,

    I think the point is age and not attraction.

    Say you are 24 what do you have in common with a 12 year old? What do have in common with a 16 year old? Sure, the equipment works the same but equipment is not a foundation for a relationship.

    To be honest the differences you see in somebody half your age at 24 are the same ones viewed at age 50 when looking at 25.

    Sure people like to think all adult experience is equal when adulthood is achieved but generally speaking that is a romantic notion.

    And that is if intentions are honest.

    We are not talking about an even playing field here. There has to be alterior motives or goals when people invite you onto an uneven playing field.

    Stuck
     
    #11 skiff, Feb 18, 2013
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  12. greatwhale

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    That is exactly where I'm at, discovering this whole new culture as a gay person, the best part of which is that the hook-ups no longer hold any fascination for me! :icon_bigg
     
  13. skiff

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    Hi,

    Exactly, if you are looking for happiness and a solid relationship at age 50+ life experience points out the pitfalls. Age variance is a large pitfall.

    My experience is; friend=> good friend=> lover=> long term relationship.

    Odds against all other sequences, not impossible but odds against.

    Stuck
     
  14. cardenio

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    That is not an apt analogy at all since, at 24, it would be illegal to have a sexual relationship with a 12 year old in pretty much any jurisdiction and in most with a 16 year old (the age of consent is usually higher in the US for same-sex encounters).

    The point of alllowing yourself to get to know someone is precisely to figure out if you have anything in common and to find out what ulterior motives may be at play. What develops doesn't necessarily have to be a sexual or romantic relationship. Even a friendship would certainly aid the OP in figuring out this new and exciting "gay world." I have met plenty of guys that are only or primarily attracted to guys older than themselves, so that in itself is not a valid reason to rule out this guy. It's fine to be cautious, but being overly paranoid is not the way to go, in my opinion. The OP, of course, is free to make his own decisions and make up his own mind, regardless of what anyone on this thread says.
     
  15. PeteNJ

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    So would I have sex with the 37 year old guy? Yea, probably.

    Do I think it would ever be more than sex or maybe an NSA relationship? Nope. as much as we're alike (2 gay, horny guys, both working on coming out), the rest of our lives are worlds apart. I have a lot of respect for him, he's faced a lot of homophobia in his job, rather than take it he left and is now looking for another job.

    Clearly I was more than a little slow picking up the signals.

    Will be hitting the bar again on Wednesday.... maybe I won't be so dense next time.
     
  16. AKTodd

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    Hmm. As far as the age difference thing, I don't think it much matters frankly. There's a 13yr age difference between my partner and I (I'm the younger one) and we've been together 16yrs.

    There have been times when he was making more money then I was and was 'primary bread winner'. Later, my career and salary advanced to the point where I was making more than he and I became the PBW. Currently he's not working so I'm the sole breadwinner. Amazingly enough neither of us have ever tried to use the other as a 'sugar daddy'.

    To be honest, I see this obsession with age popping up on the forum off and on and think that folks are making way too much of it. One has to ask exactly what age difference is acceptable then? If you really like a guy but he's the wrong age (within the bounds of legality and such of course), then forget it there's no chance and he's SOL? That seems very...limiting.

    The bottom line is that the odds of finding 'the one' on the very first try are pretty slim. Which means at some point everyone is going to have to go out there and meet people. Some may be hookups, some may be dates, and some may become more than that. Ultimately you need to follow what feels right for you, probably with a dash of thought and reason thrown in.

    Pete, the guy was hitting on you (congrats:slight_smile: ) If he's not what you're looking for (for whatever reason(s)), that's fine. But speaking from personal experience, ruling out entire groups of people solely because they've not ridden this rock we call Earth the right number of times around the sun doesn't strike me as the best possible course of action.

    Anyway,

    Todd
     
  17. OMGWTFBBQ

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    :grin:

    he sounds into you. l'm sure he could think you're a few years younger. Are bears usually over 50?

    yes, l am clueless lol. Just go with it, they will probably think it's cute if you're a little clueless.

    if you're saying the dude is 37 l'm failing to see issue with the age difference lol. l guess l'd go up to 40 myself, lm 28.
     
    #17 OMGWTFBBQ, Feb 18, 2013
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  18. B06SAJ1a

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    I struggle a lot with the sort of "anticipated guilt" over being with someone younger. For what it's worth, it may not go very far, but maybe it's a chance to get your feet wet... I've met some guys who are younger than me who seem to be much more adapted socially. Sometimes they seem to understand the nuances of relationship better than I might have expected. Something loving and positive might happen for Pete (pardon me for being a hopeless romantic).
     
    #18 B06SAJ1a, Feb 21, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2013
  19. Kay

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    Fantastic Pete well done. I am happy for you. Hugs
     
  20. PeteNJ

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    Went to gay bar again. Last night. Had a blast. Great group of guys

    So one guy and I closed the place down... Lot of chemistry there ... ;-)

    I've realIzed it's quite easy really to find a guy to hook up with...

    And I really like being gay!