I posted a few days ago about my confusion regarding my sexuality. The past two days have been a little better and last night and most of today I was beginning to think that I might just be a lesbian. And that made me surprisingly happy. But all of my doubts are rushing back. Maybe I'm just a really confused straight girl who happens to have a crush on her best friend (is that a thing?). All of this thinking is just making me depressed. I don't know who I am at all. I'm trying to think back to when I was younger and I know over the past several years I've caught myself being attracted to women in movies and TV shows but I kept telling myself that I just wanted to be like them...not be with them. I've never been the type of girl to talk to her friends about how attractive a guy was. Like, I would realize and understand that he was really attractive but I could never talk about him in the way that my friends did. I did have a pretty solid crush on my one guy friend in high school but that was it. Ever since then I haven't had any crushes on any guys at all. I can tell that I've trained myself to look at a guy and think, "Hey, he's cute". But it just doesn't feel natural. It really doesn't. Even the words boyfriend and husband seem foreign. All of the signs point to me being gay, I know. But after 20 years of assuming I was straight, I guess it's hard to let go of. The funny thing is that I actually think that I want to be gay. If I was, SO many aspects of my life would make sense. But then I worry that this "want" is influencing my thoughts. But then why am I still holding onto the idea of being straight if I feel like being a lesbian would make me happier? Is my subconscious trying to tell me something? I don't want to come to the wrong conclusion. I've increasingly been able to see myself dating another girl or even having sex with one. (I've never been in any sort of relationship before so what if I'm just becoming extremely desperate?) But the more I think about it, the better sex with another girl sounds. It honestly seems more intimate and emotional to me. I've always thought that penises were kind of strange...I don't see the attraction of them. So I guess my main concern is this: I can see that all of the signs point to me being gay, and I actually think that this would make me happier. But if this is true, why am I still doubting myself? Why won't I let myself accept it? Why do I keep thinking that I might still be straight?
I think it's all part of the grieving/acceptance process. Even if you know that you'd be happy to be gay, you still have 20 years of assuming you're straight behind you. Switching mentally from A to B doesn't just change overnight, even though that'd be a lot more convenient! I think that eventually you will have doubts of being straight less and less. I went through similar doubts when I first was (recently) coming to the realization that I was bisexual. When I stopped denying to myself that I was bi, I realized that I really wanted to be bi. It just felt right. If you are happy seeing yourself that way and identifying as gay, then I think that you can't be deceiving yourself and actually be straight. It will take time, but I'm sure that you will stop having doubts and let yourself fully accept it.
Thank you so much! These past few weeks have just been so rough. Especially with the feelings I've been having for my friend. I'm thinking maybe that's part of why I'm having trouble accepting this. If I go back to thinking I'm straight, I don't have to worry about getting my heart broken. But really, thank you so much.
Hey, there! I know exactly how you feel. The doubt wil go away eventually once you accept who you are entirely. It does take time and it's most definitely not easy. I think you are gay, it surely sounds like you are given the above information. I'm also in love with my friend and it's so hard being around her. I'm always finding a reason to hug or touch her. I don't want to make things awkward between her and I so, my lips are sealed at the moment. Have you thought about telling your friend how you feel about women?
I've got a similar problem with guys. I think I straightened that out though... wait, straightened? More like gayened! HAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha......I'm not funny.
Yeah actually it's been really hard not telling her already because I tell her everything...she has literally been there for every crappy thing that I've been through this semester. She's currently dating another girl which is both good and bad I guess. Good because I know that she is open to dating girls and bad because...well...she's dating another girl haha. I have a meeting with one of the campus counselors on Monday (I saw him all last semester with other issues) so I'm hoping that it will help for me to talk about everything with someone who doesn't personally know anyone around me. Depending on how I feel after that, I will probably be talking to my friend sometime after. I know that I have to talk to her about this. My only concern is that she might ask if there's any particular reason that I've thought about it so much recently and I'm a horrible liar...I'd have to tell her that I like her as more than a friend. I don't know how that would go. ---------- Post added 14th Feb 2013 at 07:06 PM ---------- Actually I thought that was pretty funny :lol: also, I like your Tardis picture!
