I am a senior in high school right now, and I can easily say that there is pretty much nobody at my school that I would want to be in a relationship with. Sure, some people are attractive based on looks, but I either know nothing about them and have never spoken to them, or I know their personalities and I just don't give them a second thought. I mean it when I say that the amount of girls at my school that are mature and I consider to be "friend-material" severely outnumber the guys, thus resulting in me not having many guy friends. I get along well with guys at my school, I just have no desire to hang out with them. Since the guys are like this, I generally have not had any crushes. However, there is one guy in one of my classes that appeals to me in particular. I only met him this school year, so I have only known him personally for a few months. He started talking to me on the first day of school; he is just a very social person, and generally very friendly, at least to me. We consistently have small talk in this class, and I think we would both consider ourselves pretty comfortable with each other. Honestly, I'm not even sure if we would be considered friends since we literally only talk in this class, a 54 minute period. I never even see him throughout the day, so it's not like we ignore each other, we just never cross paths (3500 people at this school, rather large high school). Honestly, I would feel comfortable calling him a friend; I believe we have that kind of relationship. I don't know what he thinks of me though. He talks to me a considerable amount in class, but there will be days where we'll barely speak and he'll talk to others a lot more. This doesn't bother me exactly, but it does get me thinking since I would like to believe he considers me a friend. This is a chemistry class, so we have labs, we perform demos, and in general, there is a lot of student collaboration, so there are chances to work with others frequently. He has consistently chosen to work with me, sit by me, ect. and I have laid low a bit so he wouldn't feel obligated to work with me; I wanted to see who he honestly wanted to be with, and he consistently chooses me. I have never initiated teamwork with him. This is where my problem is. He is so nice to me, we get along very well, but it ends there, really. We have virtually no mutual friends, I see some of his group of friends, I can identify them, and I am definitely not compatible with any of them. Our personalities are not very alike; he is very social, outgoing, friendly, kind of has that "bro" thing going on, and he seems rather wild sometimes. I am more laid back, mature, and social (not as much as him), but compared to him, I look like a hermit. He is a very smart guy; he takes all of the advanced classes and when I'm in class with him, he is trying his best to understand the concepts and he usually participates in class discussions. However, because of his personality, many people see him as a "class clown" or "dumb", but I sit next to him and know that he is not dumb, he actually does understand the lessons. I honestly can't help but feel his personality conflicts with his intelligence. I like certain parts of his personality, such as his friendliness, but his level of outgoingness somewhat bothers me. I'm just not compatible with extremely outgoing people. Lately, I have caught myself thinking about this guy a lot. He is attractive and we get along well, something rare I have experienced among guys at my school. I don't really know if I have a crush on him though. At some points, I tell myself yes. However, when I "analyze" my thoughts about him, I'm not exactly thinking about him, I'm thinking about an idea of him; somebody that I am actually compatible with. His kindness towards me has sunk in to me, and I am now tying it to false ideas about him: a more mature, slightly less outgoing, more focused version of himself. In this case, yes, I would have a crush on him. I honestly just brought all of these ideas together to form this conclusion, and I think this has been my problem: mentally forming a false representation of this guy to suit my desires. I have been subconsciously hoping that as the days go by, this guy would come to school with this personality, but it is not going to happen, at least not this school year. I doubt this guy is gay, and that doesn't bother me. I'm not going to fall apart when I graduate and never see him again. I like him a lot, I enjoy his company, but I shouldn't be thinking about him so much. I don't have a crush on him, I have a crush on an idea of him. I just came to this realization minutes ago, and I believe this will help me tremendously in the future. It is also something I think many of us suffer from. After reading this, do any of think you are doing this? Do any of you have this problem? It has been bothering me for a bit, but I think I can finally get over it now, as long as I keep reminding myself. *And you know, I'm disappointed in myself. I told myself I wouldn't have this problem my senior year. I'm leaving for college in a few months anyway, I shouldn't care. Oh well...
I actually think I understand what you mean. I have a tendency to over thing things and it becomes problematic when I meet a guy that I like and I think about him a lot. And then I start building an image of him inside my head according to what I know of him, which is usually very little at the beginning. I piece all of the good things together, and I overlook the bad things. He (the one that is in my head) eventually becomes the most ideal guy ever. But what I do not do is getting to know him on his terms, on what he really thinks about himself. I assume everything for him and really this love is in my head, not with him. I have doubted myself and my love for him. Do I love him, or do I love the idea of him, the idea of having him as my boyfriend as I have always imagined. I have chance to redo this. I am gradually understanding why I love him because I focus on him and our interactions, instead of thinking about how I think about him. I think about the reason why I have not left yet. I think about what kind of things I do with him, and why that makes me happy. All these things instead of oh my god he is like the best guy ever because he was this this this. That was my way of dealing with it. I don't think you should blame yourself for something like this. Many of us are searching for an idea partner, and high school can be a time for formulating that ideal. I think the very fact that you are able to separate him and the idea of him, especially at such an early age, means that you are a precocious person. You should be proud of that. Because, many of us aren't able to do that and are still trapped in the idea, and not the person.
I know that feeling. A few months ago I feel for the idea of a guy. Not he irritates the %$&$ out of me....... Though I believe that you do have the right mindset. These are all learning experience. It wouldnt have made you more mature to have not fallen for this guy your senior year. It would make you mature to take from that experience and grow from it. You are bound to have these experiences at some point in your life, better to have them now than later.
There's a saying that I think applies here, and perhaps inverts the discussion: "I wouldn't have seen it if I hadn't believed it" Which means that what you perceive about someone was probably there before you even laid eyes on them...so you not only need to be aware of your idealizations, you need to be aware of all the baggage you're bringing with you - sucks really!
I used this to get over a crush recently. When I would leave I could never stop thinking about him, and I could never understand why I cared so much for my false image of him. But when I would actually be with him, the way he acts and talks is something I find very annoying, and my image of him was a lot more physically attractive than he really was to me too. So I started simply trying to imagine him in that way while I was actually around him, and I would let the reality sink in. Got over him in only a week or two of this.
