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I honestly Just really Wanna Give Up. Regrets on coming out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SparkleDuck, Feb 14, 2013.

  1. SparkleDuck

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 4, 2012
    Messages:
    74
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alternia
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    All but family
    I've been so mentally and physically exhausted in the past month.. Every day it's a huge struggle to just get out of bed in the mornings.
    Sometimes I just want to not bind, not have to worry about looking female.. not have to worry about people constantly just.. not taking me seriously.. I don't know if it's selfish.. but I don't really like the vast amounts of support I get from people I've hardly had conversations with.. it's just suffocating.. and other people really deserve it more than me.
    Everyone who's ever known me knows I'm a biological female and I feel like no one takes me seriously..
    I hate living in fear about being outed to my parents just because I've told one teacher I was close to.. and now it seems so many people know..
    I just want to be alone... but I can't. I want to sleep and I want to be away from everything.
    I hate having to justify why I'm always so upset.. and I hate having friends who just don't really understand how much this thing tears me apart.
    I came out to my best friend.. I told him everything I've ever kept secret. I used to think he was so cool.. but he told me no matter what I'll just be a girl with a fake dick.. and those words are just needles in my heart and I can't stop thinking about it. He told me this months ago.. and It still hurts me every day.. I wish I could just let go..
    I hardly have any friends I can really talk to this about... They don't get it.
    I just don't know how to handle the pain anymore.. and sometimes I feel like I was better off still closeted.
    I hate how my feelings are just disgaurded now..
    So what if I am a transmale.. and I have feelings for another guy? Why do my feelings suddenly mean less because I don't identify as a girl?
    I've never dated anyone in my life.. and I feel like I'll never have anyone.
    The gender dysphoria, the exhaustion, the pain, the loneliness is just consuming my entire life and I just don't know what I'm going to do...
    I don't really know what I'm expecting from making a thread like this... but I just need someone to listen..
     
  2. Sinopaa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2013
    Messages:
    608
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Uh...*pushes Onstar*
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I completely understand how you feel. I still struggle with having my family and friends not calling me "he" and consistently call me out in public by using my old name. My Dad still holds out hope that his "son" will "get through this faze" and give him grandkids someday. There's no reason to think that you're not worth getting support though. It takes a lot of courage and energy to get up every day and prove to the world who you really are. Just the fact that you came to terms with being trans is a massive step that most of us never have the courage to do.

    I strongly suggest looking into finding a local trans group to join. Granted, there are far more of us M2F's out there; but us girls completely understand what you're going through. And it does help to talk to an actual person who's suffering through the same issues rather than just typing to a faceless entity on the internet. Gender dysphoria is an utter nightmare for all of us. I have to deal with having this disgusting tumor constantly banging against my leg as a reminder that I'll never be a true biological woman. Being forced to have to touch this thing to wash it and urinate isn't bad enough; every time I get sexually excited I have an erection that feels so foreign and disgusting that I can barely stand it at times. I gave up trying to hold relationships over it. All I've been able to date are straight girls who want me to use that revolting growth to give them kids.

    I've had people tell me "even if you get a sex change you'll just have an inside-out dick. No true lesbian would date you knowing that you used to be a guy". Those kind of comments would put me out of commission for days. You're not any less of a man than I am a girl though. And anyone who tries to tell you otherwise knows deep down that if they were in the same shoes as you they'd be too weak to bear the constant pain that you have to suffer.

    As for this "friend", I'd honestly cut him out of my life. Anyone who can say something that heartless after telling him something so personal doesn't deserve to know the real you. I've lost a couple of really good friends due to them not "being able to handle it". The hardest was a long time childhood friend who cut me out of his life because "he refused to be seen with a freak". The comments and losses do tear at my soul at times. But I look at all I've gained through my new friendships at the trans group; it feels like such a blessing to be with people who want me for who I really am and don't demand that I act like some pretend person. I'm almost positive that a local trans group would fully embrace and understand how you feel. Don't give up though. You've made it this far in life. Prove that idiot "friend" and the rest of the world wrong. Don't give in and let the closed-minded society win.