Ok, long story short. A guy I've known for about 8 years has had the hots for me for quite some time. Just before Xmas he came out to me (a week after I came out to my first friend) and said he knew about me for years. So we've been hanging out, talking, normal friends stuff. There's been some background feelings developing. One night I didn't want to go home (due unrelated family issues there) so I stayed the night with him. It turned physical. I've stayed over a few more times and I really enjoy those moments. But to the big question. How can I tell if it's emotional love or physical love? And this applies to both myself and for him. I'm pretty sure for me it's physical. I'm not sure if it could work out long term and I think we might have rushed in a bit too fast. How can I work out what his love is based on? I know he's into younger guys (he's nearly twice my age at 50) and he did say he's eyed me off in the past, before we really hung out. (I didn't hang out with many, if any of my colleagues in the past due to my "introverted" personality). And he's got a really high sex drive. I've said no to coming over a few times, mostly due to feeling the need to sleep in the comfort and security of my own bed when waking up early for work, but he's asked if he's done anything wrong and asked if I don't like him. I did say at one point that I was questioning if we had enough to make it long term, he said let's just go with it and see what develops. The only other real partner I've ever had was a girl 10 years ago and I KNOW I didn't love her. So, I'm confused. I can say I love being with him, but I can't say "I love you" to him. I'm not 100% sure how I'm attracted to him and I have no idea on how he's attracted to me. The big thing is, I don't want to hurt him or lose him as a friend.
So, what I think I'm getting from your post is that: You like having sex with him. You care about him as a person, and a friend. You don't really want a long term relationship with him. I don't know what you mean by "what his love is based on." Since he seems to be interested in pursuing a relationship, I can only presume he is interested in you romantically, and not only sexually. If you really aren't sure he's attracted to you, you must have some serious self-esteem issues to address. It's obvious he's into you, and he has told you as much multiple times, and keeps asking you to reciprocate his feelings. I think it's probably for the best that you don't get in a serious relationship with him though, especially since you are just coming out. You and he are not even close to being at the same stage in your lives. I really don't think it would be the best thing for you. So, just be honest with him, that you don't think a relationship with him will work for you in the long term. And tell him what you told us, about valuing his friendship and not wanting to hurt him. You don't have to try to figure out what his feelings are--you just have to be clear what yours are. That way you can tell him what you want to happen between you, and what you don't. It's his job to decide what he wants in the relationship, and communicate that to you.
I think the best way to describe me is a cold hard heartless person, not that I want to be. I can only recall crying over two deaths. My grandfather when I was about 7yo and my previous dog. I've had one "relationship" with a girl whom I knew I didn't love (and I strongly suspect she didn't love me either, it was a relationship of convenience), one one-night-stand with a guy, a short fling with another guy (both of which had no love attached) and now my friend. Not being affected by emotions is a huge benefit to me as a firefighter, but it's left me not really knowing what love feels like, either giving or receiving. I strongly suspect my attracting is physical, but I also suspect his attracting might also be physical. I actually just got off the phone to him. He started the phone call with a strange voice so I wasn't sure who it was, I asked who and he said "it's the guy you sucked off the other night". He asked what I was doing tonight/tomorrow and said he was working late. Then he said the cuddles the other night were nice and we should do that again. I don't know, it's just the way he talks. Maybe I want him to just be physically attracted so it's easier to break it off without hurting him.
Or maybe it's because you feel that you have no emotional attraction to this guy but in reallity you might and that perhaps is scaring you away from him :/ really think about this and try to explore your feelings to see what you come up with.
