Think my friends are trying to play mind games with me (also my story)

So im kinda just using this thread to tell you my history and then whats currently going on in my life. I apologize for the length and please dont feel like you have to read if you dont want to. I just needed to post this not only for me to help me process and understand, but to also hope you can help and give me advice. I dont know where my sexual preference lies, I like women, I have dated multiple and have felt love. I am physically attracted to them and enjoy there company and hope to one day be a husband and a father. But recently i have been feeling an attraction towards men and i dont understand why. But like I said please dont feel like you have to read this or respond to it.
my story
Background
I have grown up in a christian family (like most of you it seems like) so i have a religious background. In school i was always a trouble child and was diagnosed with ADHD by the 2nd grade. By middle school I had realized that I had GID and really wanted to be a girl more than i did a guy, I thought they were so much better in everyway. they are incredibly smart and apt, can multi task, can really feel,, have beautiful bodies and can attract any guy they want with a bat of an eye. I was in awe. Even sexually they are better creatures, the ability to orgasm multiple times? god that thought sent me over the roof. And its not like I was never attracted to females because that would be a lie. But instead of my first thought being like a normal guy and being like oh shes hot i want to bang her, mine was oh shes beautiful how I wish i could be her. I had so much respect for women that i was somehow very scared to talk to them (strange right?) So thinking that this was what i was meant to be, i was determined to feel like them in any way i could, however i could. Which started my days of cross dressing. And these thoughts and habits continued into high school. I would spend hours a day daydreaming about being a woman, about going shopping and putting on my makeup and doing my hair. I also was enthralled by the thought of boobs just magically popping out of my chest and feeling them and feeling there weight.

High School
By the time I had started high school I had still told no one about my "sickness".No one knew anything about this or how i felt or what I was thinking, I dont think I even knew how I felt. I was too scared and afraid, I was so afraid of losing the people I had in my life it was more important to not share my personal issues. This secret ate away at me day and night, it still does. How could i obtain the impossible? How could i want the one thing I could never have? Why would I be cursed with this? I needed to get it out, So one day in high school i posted that i had wanted to be a girl on a online forum, and it got around school and I became the joke of the school. Even my best friends gave me shit and told me that i was faking it for attention and stopped talking to me for a couple weeks. This destroyed me. If this was how I was going to be treated for trying to share my real thoughts and emotions then I just wasnt going to to do it. So I didnt, and kept in these thoughts and habits. Academically I was never the best in school, in fact I was one of the worst, I failed almost all of my freshman and sophomore classes and barely graduated High school with less than a 2.0. I was constantly being suspended for causing some kind of trouble or slacking off or something. But I did graduate thank god

College
Eventually high school ended and after taking a year off I started college. By this point in time the crossdressing had died down and it had become more of a mental/sexual thing. The only thing that really aroused me was anything to do with feminization or really hot pictures of women, where i would fantasize while masturbating that some powerful magic or something would magically turn me into her. I was so willing to do anything to feel like a woman that I started trying every feminization hypnosis file that I could find (with no successful luck sadly), I would read every caption, I would watch youtube videos of MtF transformations i would read fictional stories, it became my obsession. This time in my life was one of the hardest in my life, my sickness had been destryoing me physically and mentally. I had never wanted to commit suicide but here is where it started to cross my mind. Why should I live and be miserable and never be able to obtain what I wanted? By my third term I had failed out of college and was put on academic suspension (further proving I am incapable) furthering my dark hole.
While in my first term there I had met some great people through a bible study, they were still in high school but we clicked immediately and are still friends to this day. About a year later I was hanging out with one of them and his sister and I just let it all out. I cried and told them everything from how I felt to what I had done to how it was affecting me. By the end of it the girl was bawling, she told me "I'm sorry, I cant imagine what it must feel like to carry that burden." Ill never forget those words. Anyways we talked all through the night, and by morning had agreed to see a counselor. Maybe thats exactly what I needed, a little guidance? Well I went for about 6 sessions and tried to be as real as possible, hoping to change, even if just a little. By the end of it he had diagnosed that it was just low self image issues and had me stop coming. Which was true, I hate myself. but I felt like there was something deeper than just self love.But I did feel a little better, and he gave me some solid tools to help me and help my way of thinking. Which it did. And with some time and work and good friends, for the first time in my life I had felt like I was making progress, I felt like I could control it and I could stop it when the thoughts started. Then eventually I didnt think about it for months, every once in awhile it would randomly pop into my head and when it did it was like a friggin freight train, when it hit all I could think about was how I wanted to be a girl, how i wanted to be and feel sexy. To have boobs and a vagina, to have sex as a girl. These thoughts would be so vivid and powerful they were crippling, and arousing, very arousing. then they would go away. And this lasted a couple years, in this time I had dated a couple girls and had fell in love. I saw what a relationship was supposed to be like. To love and put someone else s needs before mine and to have that same gift returned? Amazing. Both of these relationships didnt last very long (the longest a year) and I think one of them was because I had told her about my GID, which at this point in time wasnt really a big deal as it had felt under control but that freaked her out and after that conversation our relationship was never the same. About two months later she left me for another guy. So i said fuck it and said that I was going to live my life, and not be stopped by any mental or sexual issue, so I started to break my shell and started to inter mural sports and started meeting people and going to parties and having a great college experience. I had made friends and my self confidence shot up and I felt great, somewhat, for once felt somewhat normal.

The past year to now
Im not sure where or how but all of a sudden my sexual turn ons had changed. All of a sudden i was into female domination and teasing and bondage and post orgasm torture and chastity and all this crazy stuff. All of a sudden my fantasy was to be broken by a female. to be tied up, drained of willpower and control, to make me beg, then to take it past that point and break me, essentially making me there "bitch". I dont know where this came from but it has been the most erotic fantasy I have ever had.
Then I smoked pot for the first time, it changed my life. It was the most amazing thing I had ever experienced. So i kept smoking, and within a month something had changed inside me, all of a sudden I became incredibly self conscious. I would constantly spend my time being high thinking that everyone else could see my thoughts, and regardless of what they were saw that I was this ugly worthless freak, that I am anything from normal, that I would never be understood. It got to the point that I would smoke and not talk or make eye contact with anyone, people would talk to me and I would pretend like I was so high I didnt hear them to avoid saying something retarded and them seeing me for what I really was. Originally this was only being caused when I smoked, but then it started in my day to day life. I just feel like I am lost in my head, like I have all these things to say, but im so afraid of people seeing the real me, of being judged or being belittled i dont. I just smoke and chill.

Friends playing mind games
So I have this friend, we'll call him rick, that I sware is trying to fuck with me or fuck me in not quite sure. I have known rick for about 4 months now, I rick through another mutual friend who we will call bob who I used to work with and has been a good friend of mine for years. well one day I go over to rick and bob's house to have a smoke session, I notice that rick is highly intoxicated sitting on the couch talking to some girl but me and bob had to leave to do some errands. We get back and I sit down in a chair next to the couch which rick is sitting on, and he just throws his head on my crotch and just leaves his head there for like 45 seconds while I told him to get off and tried to get him off of me, when he finally got off he told me he would give me a blowjob for weed. And thats when it started. I just shrugged it off because all guys make gay comments or something with there bros. I dont understand why but they all do it. So just me and rick go downstairs to smoke, and he tells me that had done "all his research on me" and that he knew "all about me" and that he was going to fuck me. of course I told him to shut the fuck up and act like what he said didnt bother me, but on the inside i was speechless. I didnt know what he meant, had he found my secret? was he just fucking with me? About 5 minutes after all this was said bob and three random peple came down and we started smoking. This whole time my mind racing. I tryed to just not think about but it was all i could think about. We were probably down there for about 2 hours just smoking and bullshitting. During this I noticed bob was acting strange, he would make really gay comments like you know you want me to jerk you off and stick it in your butthole, he would dry hump the air then sit down on the ground on the opposite side of the table of me and would start sensually rubbing his legs near his crotch, then would get my attention and ask me something while his hands were down his pants making it look like he was jacking off. After all this he looked at me with a devilish smile and asked me "hey Eric, have you ever thought about being a girl?" in front of everybody. It was then i knew This dude was fucking with me. I didnt know what to do, this had never happened to me before. Mentally i was freaking the fuck out. so we go back upstairs and i sit on the couch and bob follows me and sits next to me, as he sits he throws his body on me and his hand high up on my thigh. I told him to get off and eventually he did and wobbled off to his corner of the couch, but would keep dry humping the air and making little comments like, "come on you know you want me, every other girl does". Eventually he went to bed and I layed on the couch thinking about everything that had just happened. While I was laying there something happened, I started thinking about him and me, and I start to get aroused, its almost like I want it. But I didnt want to dwell on it so i fell asleep.

The next day i woke up he had made my breakfast and sits next to me and starts talking to me, but the way he is talking to me now is like the way he talks to girls when he is trying to get with them. there is a change in his tone and his voice, but he was using it on me. I start to notice that im feeling this strange feeling in my stomach, i cant explain it but its like my stomach goes numb, and i start thinking about how I want him and while talking to him im getting hard,but i keep it hidden cause i didnt want to go down that road. Keep this in mind I have NEVER thought about a guy like this. EVER. I cant explain it but it was like all of sudden i was attracted to rick. I could no longer make eye contact with him without getting hard. And the worse part is is that I think he knew, he just didnt want to say anything. I remember taking a nap while he was in his room playing video games and all i could think about was him and the more I thought about it the harder I got. I eventually passed out with no blanket and a giant boner hoping he would walk out and see me. But it didnt and I realized that night that something was very wrong here and I left. As soon as I got home I didnt think about it again.
Well about a week ago they had asked me to move in and seeing as how im in need of a place and the rent was cheap I jumped on it. The first night i get there there are a bunch of people there. As I walked in and went to give him a hug he whispered in my ear that tonight was the night he was going to make my dick feel real pleasure. so we go downstairs and he is up to it again, but this time sitting in the chair next to me, and I can feel the sensation in my stomach build. He pulls up his shorts as far as they could go and put his leg as close as he could to mine and started rubbing his leg while another is down his pants. He then looks at me and asks if I have ever heard of mind games, which happen to be a personal love of mine so i said of course and asked why. he said that "he is rick and eventually everybody does what he says". he also told me that "when people listen to him it pays off in the long run, because i know what makes them happy" while looking at me. There is so much other small shit that he was doing it was ridiculous. This guy was stirring feeling and emotions in me that I had never felt. well he went upstairs and I followed him and I called him out and asked him to stop and he just smiled and asked why it bothered me so much. I didnt know what to say and he just smiled and said he was sorry and that he would stop. Which he did. But now I cant stop thinking about it, now its all I want, I just wish he would somehow get me to his room tie me down and make me his bitch. Ive literally fantasized about sucking his duck and having him do the same to me.Now I cant make eye contact with him for more than two seconds without wanting to beg him to do everything he has said. Now im living with him and so far things have been pretty good but I dont know. Its like this growing feeling that is consuming me and I know he knows it.

Whats going on? Is he fucking with my mind? Or did he just awaken something I had never felt before? Is this real sexual attraction? Last night I spent hours reading everything I could on this page trying to see if someone had a scenario like mine. Please give me your advice because I am so confused about life in general right now.

Again I apologize for the length, I just really needed to share whats been on my mind