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Internalized Homophobia...help?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ecd123, Feb 15, 2013.

  1. ecd123

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    Hi everyone.
    It's been a while since my last post.
    Things have been okay for the most part, and I've been seeing my counselor a lot.
    For the past two weeks he has been unable to make it to our appointments, so I've been kind of on my own.
    Not a big deal, but I like to have someone to vent to and share my worries with without it affecting my relationship with my girlfriend.

    I have come to realize that I have internalized homophobia, and that mixed with my general anxiety (and caring way too much about what people think of me all the time) is a very bad combination.
    I feel like it causes me to pull away from my girlfriend, feel ashamed that I am with her, and that in turn causes me to have feelings of resentment towards her.
    When I have terrible anxiety over being a lesbian (or bi, I can't figure out what I am) I tend to mentally pick her apart and find flaws or things that I should find annoying or I try to convince myself that I don't find this feature attractive...blah blah blah.
    It's terrible.
    -----------
    A year ago I wasn't like this at all. I was blind with love and I wanted to show her off to everyone.
    Then came the terrible mess of telling my parents.
    I feel so terrible about it. I didn't do it right. I got flustered and choked up over the phone and ended up saying "I'm dating ____" and they didn't know what to say. I had never told them I was even having feelings for her before or anything (though I tried in my own shy passive way, I'm terrified to upset my mom.) So they were confused and asked me loads of questions and I didn't know how to answer and then they tried to talk me out of it and I couldn't defend myself and they warned me to never bring it up again or tell anyone. That caused me to crash into confusion and depression. It's gotten better but not healed.

    I feel like I need to make myself more clear but I am so scared to tell them. I am also worried that what if I'm actually NOT bi/lesbian? What if they're right? But we've been together for 1 1/2 years... that should tell me something right?
    -----------

    So back to internalized homophobia. I realize I resent myself a lot. I tend to cringe at cute things my girlfriend does for me (but that wasn't quite the case a year ago). I get embarrassed when I want to tell a story involving her in class (im in college) and I end up not talking at all because I am afraid to bring up that I have a girlfriend. I don't have very good self esteem in the first place and I know it. I just don't know how to fix it. I don't see the point in fixing it. From my perspective it seems selfish and vain to try to like myself. I don't want to be full of myself.
    Yesterday was Valentine's day and she took me out to a nice grocery store to pick out dinner and flowers. I can't help but feel bad for when she pays for me or when she buys me flowers. I shouldn't have a problem with it. Why do I?
    I constantly try to remind myself of my feelings towards her when we weren't dating and I still considered myself straight. And how I called my friend crying because I didn't understand why I felt these things for her and why I felt like I would literally die if she would date anyone else. I had such strong feelings for her. But I guess I didn't let myself see why right away and I didn't tell my parents because my whole life they told me that I was just too clingy of a friend and that I came off as annoying, so they just thought I was being "clingy, annoying" me. Now I am wondering if maybe I was actually crushing on my close friends, but they thought my actions were just of a weird child?

    I don't want this to consume my life and affect my relationship. I am afraid that it will cause us to break up because I am so weak and pathetic when it comes to controlling my own life.
    How do I get over this and start to gain confidence and pride in being who I am?

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. I'm sorry your parents had such a negative reaction. To address your concern about whether your parents are right and you're not actually in to girls: from my outside perspective, it doesn't sound like that is the case at all. You didn't have doubts until your parents started putting them in your head, right?

    I think you should talk to your girlfriend about it, or possibly a counselor, if you feel more comfortable with that. You don't need to tell her about the resentment you feel towards her (that would probably just hurt her), but I think it would be helpful to tell her how you are struggling with self acceptance. I honestly don't know of a better way to get over the internalised homophobia other than talking it out with people who understand.
     
  3. wandering i

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    I know the nearly invisible, but very real stress of not having an appointment for a while, so I'm glad you could vent here. It's important to get it out and getting some external feedback can help break the echo-chamber that forms in our heads when we're only asking ourselves questions.

    First of all, sexuality is fluid, and it is possible to be one orientation at one time and change over time. I don't think that's what's happening with you but I mention it because even if your fear ("What if later I find out I'm not?") does turn out to be true, right now it's clear that you are, and right now is the time you should be dealing with. Cross those bridges in the future when you come to them, but cross this current bridge now, if that makes sense.

    I haven't had to deal with internalized homophobia very much yet, but I have gone through a lot of transphobic thoughts that have bullied and chased me away from admitting to myself what I have always felt. I've read on these forums that it's common to have these thoughts and feelings, because our society teaches them to all of us whether we are straight, gay, cis, or trans. We are taught that something is normal, even if we don't fit it. It takes time to understand the ignorance and bigotry that drives this false education we've been saturated in since we were kids. But it takes even more time to not only know it's ok to be ourselves, but also feel like it's ok too. It really does take a lot of time.

    Please try to be patient with yourself. And keep in mind that even if you may have lost some of that intense romantic attraction to your partner, that happens to straight couples too! Relationships tend to be one type of mind-altering intense to begin with, and after (i think 3 months is the average) they tend to cool down and take on a different quality. As you get to know her better and the initial rush wears off, I think it's normal to start noticing things that you didn't before, or felt differently about before. I don't think those kinds of feelings mean you don't or didn't love her.

    Feel free to keep posting if you want to keep talking it out, ok?
     
  4. wandering i

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    ps- I realized too that a lot of the feeling ashamed or embarrassed may come from fearing what others are thinking, and after the very negative reaction of your parents, it makes sense to me that you would feel like you're being judged or looked down on for your orientation. It's really hard to shake that feeling, but please try to keep in mind many people a) don't care either way, or b) are rooting for you and support whatever sexuality feels right for you.

    In time it may be easier to stop caring about what others think, but it's natural to be sensitive to that, especially since your parents had such a harmful reaction to you being open with them. I'm rooting for you though. There are lots of people who understand that a person's sexuality is nothing to condemn, and I think adapting to value their opinions more than anything bigots and ignorant homophobes might have to say will help you as you spend time in public.
     
  5. ecd123

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    Thanks for responding!
    I try to change how I think. I just find myself being annoyed with her at times but I can't imagine my life without her. I wish I could get over what my parents feel and just live for me, but when they call me they don't even acknowledge that she is my girlfriend. They ask how my roommate is, and then how she is but they just say "How is your friend ___" and they know her well too.
    I wish I would have done it differently. Said I'm bisexual instead of saying I'm dating her. They told me I'm just confused.

    But when I imagine if they weren't in the picture, I wouldn't feel like hiding. I would be much more confident. So I guess I'm scared that I'm going to let them down by expressing myself or holding her hand in public.

    Just now she tried to kiss me and it made me so nauseous. I hate that! I want to be like I used to with her but I feel guilty or scared or ashamed all the time.
    She knows, and she knows I struggle with self worth. She's so supportive. Nobody has ever accepted me for absolutely everything that I am and that I think about in my entire life. I honestly don't think I could every do anything that would convince her to leave me. She said she never will, and I really believe she won't.

    I guess that terrifies me too. I haven't been in a serious relationship ever. Or in one at all before her. I've had what I guessed were crushes (I now think it was more of a "trophy" idea because they were popular boys in my grade) and gone after people before and been asked out (all boys) but would always deny because it never felt 100% right. But I just couldn't stay away from her. I would always find an excuse to visit her, be near her, sleep in her bed, hug her... I have never felt that way about anybody in my life.
    Honestly, being with her feels so natural. I feel at home. I feel like I could come home to her every day for the rest of my life. I feel like she belongs in my life. It's weird to think that I was ever without her.
    Then why do I feel annoyed with her lately or ashamed that she's a girl?
    It is the most heartbreaking and scary thoughts. I hate that I am like this. I feel like I'm not in control.

    :frowning2:

    ---------- Post added 15th Feb 2013 at 08:51 PM ----------

    I am also worried that the negative feelings I am having about my sexuality after telling my parents is affecting how I see her and therefore will cause me to lose interest or attraction to her.

    I wish I would have told them later on or something. Years down the road when I was well accepting myself.
     
  6. wandering i

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    I'm sorry, it sounds like so much to deal with. *hugs*
    I'm sad that they put such a dark cloud over what is clearly something precious to you. And it sounds to me like even if you had told them "I'm Bisexual", you would have gotten the same unhelpful response. So please don't blame yourself for 'not doing good enough' when you came out- it is on them to be supportive and it is their failure to do that, not something you did wrong.

    It is wonderful that your girlfriend is so supportive. But it's ok to be scared or uncertain too, especially since this is the first time you've fallen so hard. Love is such a messy and untameable beast that I'm afraid I can't offer much advice. But if you need to avoid shows of affection or being too intimate for a while, you can ask her for that. If it is really distressing you, maybe pulling back a little might help you become more comfortable.
     
  7. Femme

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    I completely understand. I still struggle with it. It's hard. I always assumed I would marry (a man) and have kids. I haven't married and have no kids. My girlfriend is divorced and has now grown kids. She never wants to marry again and honestly I'm delighted because the thought of marrying a woman is just too much for me. I just want to be "normal" and not have to "come out" or tell anyone anything. I was having lunch with a co-worker today (no one at work knows) and we really hit it off. I was annoyed that I felt I couldn't mention my partner.
     
  8. ecd123

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    Exactly! I have the same thing happen to me. Whenever I'm in class and I make new friends, I feel ashamed that I'm not normal and want to tell them about my girlfriend, but get choked up and can't.
     
  9. Priiiide

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    Are we the same person or what...?! I think you took a lot of what I am feeling and wrote it down.. Talk to me if you need. (*hug*)
     
  10. Eliza

    Eliza Guest

    Hey, you know, it's okay to feel annoyed with your girlfriend sometimes. It doesn't mean you don't love her. Nobody feels 100% positive about their favorite person all the time.

    My partner annoys me sometimes, too. I've learned that, when I feel myself getting angry at her, it's useful to ask myself, "What do I want her to do right now?" Then I ask her, very sweetly, to do that thing, even if that thing is "Leave me alone for a little while."

    I had to start doing this because when I first started seeing her, I felt really embarrassed about being in a lesbian relationship, I was angry about the way I had been treated, and sometimes I would take it out on her by yelling at her for things that weren't really her fault.

    My mom reacted badly to our relationship in some of the same ways your parents did (told me I was going through a phase, persistently and pointedly called my partner "your little friend," actually said the phase "alternate lifestyle choice" and wasn't being ironic), and I finally got so fed up with it I wrote her a letter.

    I addressed some of the things she had said that hurt my feelings, I told her a story about how my partner and I had met, I told her about all of the things I loved about my partner and all the different ways we made each other happy, and I said this:

    "[As for dating men in the future]: sometimes a woman might identify as a lesbian and then later decide that she's really more bisexual, and I suppose it's possible (though unlikely) that this could happen to me, but it doesn't matter in any practical sense, because I would still want to be with [x] even if I were bisexual. She is the love of my life."

    Her initial response was disappointing, but she quietly changed her behavior.

    This is just what worked for me. I don't know if any of this helps you or not, but know that you are not alone and that you can overcome the challenges you're facing.