in the closet straight man

Hey everybody.. I'd like to start off by apologizing for any spelling errors..getting used to a touch screen. Not sure if anybody else is suffering from this situation but here we go, I'm a24 year old male whose had an impressive history of sexual conquests with both females and mostly males..this is important because I am attracted to both genders ..not equally, I find men more taboo, carnal, instinctually sexualized wheras with females its more of a reserved and subtle mystery..theycan be beautiful to me but I don't sexualize them nearly half as much as I do men. The conundrum is that I am out to some of my friends after having been outed years ago and coming out to a few more since then.but I've felt as if I'm a straight guy sometimes in a gay mans body..I'm driven by the lust that makesme feel like a primal beast ready to conquer a man..what I find most attractive about men is my ability to give society's labeled bread winners and protectors pleasure that I control completley in the moment. I guess in a way its about power. I've been in gay relationships but I've never felt satisfied or free in them I've felt suppressed.its worse when I date a guy who comes off as masculine but then falls hard for me and begins to get intimate and weak at the same time..behaving submissively. Instead of a man. Its not about tops or bottoms..I want a man who will always be a man..even when he loves me orchestra hugging me and not calling me babe while demonstrating his emotional vulnerability .. I suppose that's what disgusts me. The displaying of weakness..of submission in a being that in my mind should be strong..masculine..able..mentally clear..not too attached. Am I poking in the wrong places? I've been missing women everytome I mess around with a guy. I've been dreaming of having a son and taking care of him..that fantasy usually doesn't have to have a woman as my wife but it never entailed having another man.. I feel like gays rush things too much. I've fallen for straight friends or people who are unnatainable and I find that typically its because we get to know one another for a long while.then I become attached to who they are as a person and not the shape of their bodies or the power I can exert over them. I'm not a bad person..I'be actually got a heart of gold which is why I feel guilty for thinking this way. But I can't help but feel disgusted everytime I cum and the moments gone and the only thing left is an awkward submissive intamacey that doesn't sit well in my stomach. I started talking to this. Guy recently and thought he was perfect he even gave me his old phone for Valentine's day but its like day two and he asked me out and already Calls me babe. I feel like hisatachment is pushjngme away..I'm not an asshole I don't want to play with his emotions but I feel weak and sick when were having a great conversation on the phone and suddenly he's like "babe I want you here now laying next to me" I'm just like........ugh. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow about that I just know he's going to feel some type of way which also annoys me because I'm a very upfront guy and I hate feelings like I have to tip toe around peoples fragile emotions or petty jealousy issues..especially when its the first week of me knowingly him.. I'm not sure where I fall in the spectrum of homosexuality. I'm not denyingq my attraction to men because that would be a blatent lie but I can't deny the disgust that comes with it..I accept myself for the most part ..I say most part because its hard to be open about that around women I find compatible with me that peak my interest..like this beautiful woman I met at a hookah bar yesterday..she was stunning. I was so into her..it was actually intimidating..we exchanged numbers and I could tell she was into me.. but I don't want to have to lie by keeping quiet about it..I know that should things get seriousi have to tell her because I would want to know if I where her..I'm leaving for the marines soemtime this year..i suppose a very small part of me going is to professional to myself that I am whole that I am able that I can achieve a level of bad assness people label straight men. I can be anything they can be and better..maybe ill find somebody more compatible there.so what do you guys think of my situation..is it that I haven't found the right guy or girlis. I haven't accepted myself or am I a closet straight male who feels pressure to have relations with men becauaei was outed after an experiment with a male gone wrong and instead of allowing myself to get it out of my system or to discover myself I was labeled something and forced to accept it or felt pressured to rather so I created a persona yet now that I'm older I can change or accept whatever I choose to..amid reverting back to pre homosexual thoughts? I went from straight to curious to bisexual to gay to bisexual to straight curious. I'm not a guy who can't accept my orientation but isn't something as fluid and corporeal as orientation supposed to be clear at 24.. advice?(!)

 

Ive never heard that term before but what you explained does make sense to me you pretty much hit the nail on the head with that