I've been out to my parents for a little over 3 months now with very mixed results. My mother has had this love/hate system with supporting me (she supports me "when it's convenient for her"), while my father feels I'm "going through a faze". One thing that both of them are staunch against is taking down old photo's of when I was forced to be in boy mode. I don't mind baby photo's that much; but seeing Jr High and High School photo's decorated all over the house just eat away at me. There's one particular photo that really kills me, and it's right in the center of our living room. It's a huge family portrait of when I was in High School. I've begged them to take this horrid thing down for weeks now. I've even offered to pay for a new one with who I really am, yet they both refuse to budge on it. I've recently had a meltdown while telling them how seeing that portrait every day has hurt me for years. Yet neither of them are willing to take it down "because they like how good we look as a family". I'm on the verge of burning it along with every stupid photo of me in boy mode that's poisoning this house. Any advice on how to handle this?
Looking at it from their perspective, it may be a bit hard to fully process the thought that you are no longer the boy they raised from birth to adulthood. Apparently you were male for 27 years until you came out as trans MtF three months ago? If so, you can't change the memories they have of you, and nor should you expect them to forget the son they knew and loved. It may take longer than three months for them to accept your gender.
That's the thing that really gets me. I've never acted like a boy. When I was younger I was dragged to a ton of psychologists to "fix me" when I would state that I wasn't a boy. Much to my Fathers dismay I've never bothered to partake in any manly activities. Since I became old enough to control my looks I've worn my hair down, had a pierced ear, and wore black nail polish. Most of my family was fine with me coming out as it "made sense". My parents are the only ones who seem to be staunchly living the denial issue. What bothers me is that there's literately no room for compromise on the photos. And this issue hasn't just been in the last 3 months. I've stated for years out how much I have never liked the photos where I was forced to conform to "looking like a proper young man". I've even permanently moved my room to the basement during my college years so I wouldn't have to walk out of my upstairs bedroom and look at that huge gaudy family portrait. When they asked me why I was moving downstairs I told them then that it was because of how I hated seeing something that I wasn't. My smile is clearly fake and forced looking in the photos (especially in the huge family photo). Yet they continue to hold great pride in pictures where I was forced to bend to their will; like it was some sort of victory in conforming me, even for an instant, into being the boy they wanted. I just don't understand the logic behind forcing someone to live with something that clearly bothers them. I understand how hard my coming out is to them; but it doesn't help ease the tension between us when they have always seemed to have a complete disregard towards how I feel on certain issues.
Don't make this any bigger a deal than it needs to be. I know I can't really understand how you feel, but I get how frustrating this is. But in the grand scheme of things, it's a picture. What's really important is who you are and how you're living your life now - and into the future. In time, as you transition to reflect a more authentic you, then your parents will either come around, or they won't. They'll either take the picture down, or they won't. Eventually I would think that you'll move out, and it really won't be an issue for you at all. So focus on what's really important. Forget about the pictures, and instead provide your mom and dad with some literature from PFLAG or somewhere about being transgender. Help them understand. As was said above - it's going to take them longer than 3 months to come to terms with this. It has taken you 27 years to get to the point where you were ready to 'come out' to them. It's going to take a while for them to 'come out' as well.
im not saying youre not going through a hard time because coming out in any way at all is a hard thing and parents acceptance is another. it sounds really insane im going to say this but it always helps me when i get down about people not accepting me e.t.c -your parents havent disowned you -your parents let you live the way you want -your parents still speak to you -your parents still care for you in their own way -your parents still love you basically list all the positives. someone out there has it worse than you, people get disowned beaten up e.t.c through coming out as who they really are. you havent got that from what your post says. yes your parents havent taken down pictures but maybe baby steps at a time? acceptance is a hard thing both for the person involved and parents. you cant expect miracles overnight. let them have those pictures up as much as it hurts you inside, when they are ready they may take them down. its still early days of your coming out. everything takes time, if you keep pestering them about the photos it probably wont do any favors on both of your parts it may strain your relationship with your parents. have you sat them down and spoken to them at length? it may help. let them maybe ask you questions? and then you ask questions back? i sound really mean, but im really not trying to be :| (*hug*)
Thanks for putting it into perspective. I'm having a gender dysphoria moment and needed to vent. I'm going to print more info on how to treat a trans person and casually leave it around the house again. Hopefully it will sink in at some point.
What I said is still going to be true, to some degree, but this additional information does change things quite a bit. Apparently it is undoubtedly clear to your parents that you are not comfortable around the family portraits, to the point that it is causing significant emotional distress. With that being said, they should be more accommodating to your wishes to have them removed from display in your home. It seems odd to me that they care so much about keeping the portraits. I'm no psychologist, but two explanations for this may be plausible. First off, they might simply be profoundly ignorant. If this is the case, you might consider trying to educate them properly about your sexuality. The other possibility is that they just don't care, and may even be seeking passive-aggressive means of indirectly voicing their disapproval of your sexuality. In any case, my personal opinion is that when it comes to matters like this, you can't expect people to change their minds, so it is best to invest your time and energy working on practical ways to deal with reality. If your parents are not going to change, or even entertain the possibility of compromises, like retaking the pictures, you have no choice but to find a way to deal with it. First off, have you considered talking to a therapist or counselor to get over the distress of seeing the portraits? I can understand why they would be upsetting, but you do seem to be overreacting to something relatively small. Learning to accept that the portraits don't have to represent anything other than what a camera saw of your physical appearance at a particular point in your past might help. You might also consider avoiding visits to your parents' house. If you live with them, make plans to move out as soon as you can. Of course, you could always destroy the pictures, and replace them with an appointment-reminder for a new photo shoot. ---------- Post added 15th Feb 2013 at 02:35 PM ---------- I agree with this. Getting upset over family portraits when you clearly have a lot of advantages some people don't have is a bit ridiculous, and there are ways you can work this out. My suggestion would be learning to deal with the portraits. That is not to say your parents should leave them up, but you should definitely be able to handle it better than you are now. I don't mean to sound rude or mean, either, but it needs to be said.
I just want to tell you I can understand why this upsets you so much and I sympathize. Those photos must be awkward and embarassing and like you said, dysphoria is definitely distress caused from the difference between how you and others see yourself. I wish you the best of luck in getting through this, right now and in the future. With time and living as yourself the way you are comfortable, some of the pain of the past may fade and make it easier to see your past self as a tough but acceptable part of the path to finding happiness.
I dont find this ridiculous at all. It seems perfectly logical that these pictures would get to you. Sure it is optimal that you can overtime be able to ignore these reminders of a darker period in your life, but I dont find it unreasonable at all, being in a situation in which you feel completely at odds with your body, that you would find these pictures sickening. Despite being apparantly "privileged in the acceptance category", you are still justified in breaking down every once in a while. Vent everything out from time to time. One can only be so strong, and often times those who are strong will find that in the very few times that they do break down, it is often over seemingly simplistic reasons. Its obvious that dealing with dysphoria and stress has started to take a bit of a toll of you recently. This situation only served as the final trigger. Overcome and strengthen yourself from these situation, of course. But dont be led to believe that you dont deserve to fall apart ever now and them. No matter how simplistic our struggles may be, we all have our demons, and being transgender is far from a small obstacle.
Of course the pictures would get to you. It's sort of like part of your transition into becoming the you that you're comfortable with, and that's incredibly important. I have to say that I have sympathy for your parents too, though. These are two people that enjoyed having and loving a son for many years and all of a sudden they have discovered that they no longer have a son. I think your Father is probably more likely in denial and find it comforts him to believe it is a phase. While you need to make sure your pictures get removed, you should be sympathetic and allow them to do it in their own time. Anyone that wouldn't find this time challenging is very lucky. While you may know who you really are, he world around you doesn't understand, and it takes time for it to adjust.
I know it is probably hard for you to see those photos, but that's something you should look into. Instead of wanting to force your parents to change the family photos, maybe you should try to understand that those photos were "just a phase", and reflect on them as you would a journey. It's hard, understandably, but our family members aren't the only ones who still have change left ahead of them. ---------- Post added 15th Feb 2013 at 06:57 PM ---------- I can see the pain and confusion in my high school year photos. It's awkward, and I want it to go away most of the time. I never learned to love myself during that period. That's why I can't stand seeing them. For me to see them now, I have to relearn to love who I was then. Time is relative; that boy that I see in those photos still exists, and he is learning to love himself. Think of it as a necessary part of becoming you.
@Gen: Yeah, I have had a lot on my mind as of late. I have been having some issues recently with my old friends concerning Valentines Day and my inability to date. They can't seem to grasp that my physical condition prevents me from dating. My other trigger issue is that one of my closest trans friends has not shown up for our last 2 GLBT meetings. I've tried calling her, but her phone has been shut off. Her parents have severely punished her in the past for leaving the house as a girl, so I'm afraid of what her parents have done to punish her this time. *sigh*
Yep. (*hug*) Sometimes when we vent our frustrations, people raise eyebrows and wonder why this or that could effect us so much. But the reality is that often times that last ordeal is just the cherry on top of piles of pain and irritation. Venting allows us to put everything out there, as random and clumped as it may be, and sit back and think "Wow, this is what I have been holding in." Its a good thing.
