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I Got Lost in the Closet ;~;

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by StormySea, Feb 15, 2013.

  1. StormySea

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    Hello! :3 I'm not entirely sure how to go go about explaining this (I'm a bit of a noobasaurus to just about everything going on here), but I'll do my best! '^.^

    Quick chronological backstory: 7th grade- awkward hormonal time; looking and thinking about girls more then guys; realized I didn't like any guys and considered myself asexual; noticed women more and more and tried to convince myself I just wanted to be like them and not be with them; evidently, I was wrong; no one to confide in because my parents are homophobic, brother is anti-gay, unsure how friends would react; BAM- we are now at last year.
    Dang, that was about half my autobiography in less then 75 words. /(_ _ )\

    From other stories I've seen on here, my problem is fairly generic: I've started to crush on my best friend these last 2 years. There are many problems with this. I've known her for 12 years, our families are good friends, and I have no idea if she's even vaguely open to dating other women. Her mother certainly makes it seem like my friend in more interested in men (although I've learnt that my friend's aunt from her mothers side is lesbian and that the mentioning of men are always more constant when I'm around. I think her mother's onto me. xD) But more importantly, I don't know if it's right to even be having thoughts of getting together with my best friend. It seems a bit selfish and I've got a few years of assuming I was just asexual behind me- but I can't get her out of my head. I just want to do everything I possibly can to make her happy; I'm finding myself fawning over her (although hopefully not too obviously x.x). She's just so adorable- she really doesn't deserve to be sad (and unfortunately she is quite a bit. Schoolwork and pressure from her parents often overwhelm her :c ) and I know I can make her laugh and be there for her more then any guy can.

    It's starting to tear me apart. I keep having conflicting emotions on whether I'm seriously into girls or just my friend. I've never felt this strongly towards anyone else before- even in my own family. I keep changing my mind on how I see guys, although something about guys just doesn't click. If I fantasize about being in a relationship with a guy or a girl, being in a relationship with a girl seems more intimate and... right? (for lack of a better word) But every time I've tried to come to terms with being lesbian, I've been surprisingly ecstatic about it for a short while then sunk back into having conflicting emotions about everything. Maybe I'm just a really confused strait girl who likes her best friend? GAH. Why can't I just give myself a strait answer? :bang: (Well, I guess all evidence points to it not being a strait answer, but you know what I mean! >.<')

    To be honest, and maybe this just sounds silly, I think I kind of want to be gay. It would just explain so many aspects of my life that didn't make sense before- like my entire 7th grade experience and various interactions with other girls that I realize now I may have had a slight attraction towards- but I'm worried my own wants are influencing my thoughts and how I go about all of this. >~< What's further influencing my feelings is my parents. I come from a pretty right-wing, aristocratic family who were- before a close family friend came out to my parents- fairly anti-gay. [Not particularly proud of any of these things by the way. x\ ] So I've grown up learning (and I quote) "There are nice, strait people that you'll meet all the time, and then there are the more 'gender-confused' ones." (*facepalm*) I realize now it's wrong to think that way, but it's something I believed wholeheartedly when I was little, and it's something my brother believes wholeheartedly now.
    My parents know people and families who are very similar to them, and some of those friends (and I'd hate to sound rude because these people are actually quite nice, but I only dare call them friends as many of the connections to them are business-based) are quite close. If I were gay and these other family friends found out, it would not go over well. As for my own parents, if they did find out I was even contemplating all this, I do run a high risk of being kicked out for a while and then locked away from the rest of the world until I 'get over it'. :/
    Despite all this, I do actually love my parents, I just find that I end up keeping most of what goes on in my personal life from them, such as all of, well, this^^^
    It's almost too risky for me to be on EC, but I'm just deleting all the cookies and history on my computer when I come on here to at least hide the trace. If anyone has any more suggestions on how to permanently clear a site from your computers history, it would be really helpful if you left a comment below! ^.^'

    My life just kind of seems like it's come to a standstill at this point. I'm not progressing or regressing, just in a thin suspension of limbo. I saw my best friend walking with another guy last week and it kind of crushed something inside of me. I kind of regret not running up to them, getting in between the two, and finding out what the dudes intensions were walking my friend to her locker, but I guess then I'd just be getting in the way. I wonder if I am getting in her way... If she's not open to being with another girl, maybe I should really back off and leave her alone. There have been small incidents that lead me to believe that there was a chance that feelings were mutual between us, but now I'm drawing a complete blank.
    Maybe I'm just making things awkward by being around her so openly. I'd back off if she told me too, if it would make her happier, but she's pretty shy, and I don't think she'd really say something like that to my face.
    Maybe it'd be better if I gave her a wider berth until I figure my own crap out and let her do her own thing? Maaahhh >.< I don't know. I really want to just talk about this to her directly, but I might be putting 12 years of friendship on the line. :\

    I'm so confused. I just don't know what to do. ;.;

    (Sorry this is really fluffin' long and maybe doesn't make a whole lot of sense- If you got to the end of it here then thank you so much for sitting through all of that :3 I don't really have anyone to talk to about my own issues [in general really, not just about this >.<] and I've been told my train of thought is difficult to follow. If it makes it any better, here's a cookie for your trouble :3
    [​IMG])
     
  2. StormySea

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    Another thing I should probably add is that after seventh grade I went through a phase of having no emotions. It's hard to explain, but I just didn't feel anything for about three years. I barely even felt physical pain (which, yeah, sometimes I did inflict upon myself- not anymore though!). I know that's probably not normal for people in general, but it's like I have even less experience going into this then most and I can't help but wonder whether it's affecting sudden feelings I having now. Maybe my friend has suddenly made me feel something and I'm mistaking it for other things?
    I kind of want to go find a friendly hole in the ground and hide out there for a while to work things out, but that might not be the best idea...
     
  3. OMGWTFBBQ

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    Yeah. l relate to what you say about "wanting'' to be gay, l may be overly analytical with figuring out my orientation but l don't like to have a simplistic viewpoint.

    l think a lot of people, including myself try to figure out their orientation based on personality traits because it may be easier than truly analyzing attractions.

    But it's too easy, l know way too straight women who are as "weird'' as me, somewhat masculine in personality and even suspected of being gay by some people. Are totally not and are NOT lying lol.

    So l've really just focused on how my natural attractions form while trying to figure it out, and avoid "validating" some things about my life and personality with the "that'd make so much sense if l were gay' sort of thinking.

    Anyway...l really think it's best to figure yourself out before pursuing a real attraction, personally. And l think it's kind of easy to be into your friends.

    l have been and though they experimented with me like many straight girls do, they weren't into women.

    Not saying she definitely isn't but there's so much more to your orientation, l guess.

    l think crushing on someone and then possibly being rejected could really crush you when you're still pretty uncertain about who you are.
     
    #3 OMGWTFBBQ, Feb 15, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2013
  4. StormySea

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    Thank you so much for the advice!
    Yeah, I guess I'll just stand back and try to figure out myself before what to do with everyone else xD Probably the safest way to go isn't it...

    Is is odd to look physically more feminine but have a more masculine personality and hang out with a majority of guys but have a close, all-girl group of friends? That seems to be the situation I'm in now. I always tend to associate with guys more and can get along with them better then other girls in that sort of 'chill bro' way. (Hard to explain if you've never been on Nazi Zombies in 30ish rounds for two hours with a group of all-male friends and form that sort of survivalist bond with them xD) Should that be an indicator of attraction and preferences or am I just over-analyzing?

    But anyway, I've got 3 AP lab reports to finish and the rest of high school junior year, so I guess I have more important things things to worry about.
    And I guess I've still got time to figure out all my emotional crud out. xD
    Thanks again for the advice :3 For once I feel like I'm getting my priorities strait! >.<'
     
  5. OMGWTFBBQ

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    lol. That sounds like me actually.

    l am kind of a "bro" but have never wanted to look the part. l don't try to look SUPER DUPER sexy but am more feminine and do think l'm attractive.

    Have had both groups of friends, waver in and out of having close female friends though. Usually only one or two at a time. We don't seem to communicate that well.

    l think all of that can often exist alongside of being lesbian or bi but that it's not a reliable indicator of sexuality, only your attractions will tell you for sure.
     
  6. StormySea

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    Exactly! Although I don't think I'm too attractive. :S Maybe the number of times I've been asked out by guys should tell me otherwise, but I'm pretty sure they only 'liked' me because we could all fan over video games xD (Plus, I just didn't like any of them in that way- which, at the time, supported my asexual theory.)
    It's like throwing a girl gamer into a sea of testosterone seems to have the same effect of taking Justin Bieber, ripping off his shirt, and throwing him into a crowd of 13-year-old girls. xD

    I only have two really close friends (one of whom is the friend mentioned in my first post ^.^') and we've all known each other since elementary school and by some miracle have stuck together until now, although I also can't seem to get past that two friend mark no matter how hard I try. I find that difficulty to find commonalities with other girls often indirectly lead to communication failures...

    And okay! Guess I'm just goin' with the flow on this one then xD