Hi there. I'm just an ordinary straight guy having trouble trusting his girlfriend. I really need some piece of advice from you guys because I love her more than anything and not being able to trust her is eating me from the inside out. Thanks in advance ! So here's the thing: My girlfriend (19 years old) and I have been together for 4 months now. Just a few days after we got together we talked about a hypothetical threesome and she told me that she'd rather do it with another woman than with a man because of the greater variety. She also told me that she was "a bit bisexual" as she never felt romantic for a girl, never saw any kind of future in a relationship with one, didn't even want to have sex with another girl, yet she was a bit sexually attracted to them(not as much as to men though). She also told me that besides the 20 boys she's made out with, she's made out with like 10 girls as well, has had a 3-month long-distance relationship with a girl and has even licked a vagina twice. For a straight month she did not stop commenting on other people(mostly girls) all the time. "She's so cool", "Nice boobs", "Nice body", "She's so beautiful", "She's so cute", "Totally not my type".. phrases I got used to hearing every 5 minutes or so. One day I told her I was freaking out. I told her that being jealous of half the world is kind of enough for me and that this "kind of bisexuality" of hers is driving me crazy, yet by constantly commenting on other women, and sometimes on men, she's only making it worse. We talked about her sexuality for an hour. She assured me that she was completely heterosexual and that what she had told me a month and a half earlier was just what she's been used to telling. She told me that she's grown in an "emo society" where most of the girls are lesbians and she just felt like experimenting. She told me that like 5 of those lesbian make-outs of hers were with friends of hers, just doing it for "training purposes" or in front of the camera and that she was really drunk through the other 5. She told me that she's never fallen for a girl and has never seen any kind of future in a relationship with one(only once did she feel obsessed over a girl which she thought of as kind of sexually attractive and couldn't wait to go back from school and sit on the PC to chat with her but she describes it more as a "humane attraction" than a sexual one). She told me that she has licked a vagina only to make the other girl feel good and didn't really enjoy it herself(yet she did it two times in a row ???), and that she's never actually let another girl touch her. She told me that she never wanted to have sex with a woman and unlike making out with boys, she didn't really like doing so with girls and didn't really get aroused by it. She told me that she's liked making out with a girl only once in her life and it was a one-time event with her best friend at the time. She told me that she was in a relationship with a woman because she was kind of disappointed in boys at the time(2 years ago) and that she was totally not in love with her and only wanted to make her happy and feel like being loved herself. She told me that she's had a much greater sexual attraction towards boys. She also told me that she hasn't felt sexually attracted to girls for like 2 years and a half now. Her explanation is basically that she was raised in a society where lesbianism was acceptable and she told herself "why not". She was eager to explore her sexuality and experimented more than once as she thought that if she didn't like it with one girl, she might totally like it with another. She says that she was driven by her hormones at the time and that's what had caused that sexual attraction towards other women of hers and that as she's grown up she has totally lost it and can identify herself as straight. I asked her whether she's lost her attraction towards girls because of her love for me. She responded negatively. Yet she still continues to check out girls all the time(even I, myself, as a man, don't do this as often) and comment on them. Minding her sexual past, that kind of disturbs me. She's telling me that she just finds women beautiful and approves their beauty, compares herself to them and etc.. in a completely non-sexual way. But who knows - I have a really hard time trusting her lately. So what do you guys think? Was she really bisexual or barely bi-curious? Could 10 experiments really be called... experiments? Could someone be "kind of bisexual" at 17, have a lesbian relationship absent any feelings at 18, and claim to be completely straight at 19? And how come she didn't notice that she was bisexual no more for those 2 years and a half and just say "what she's been used to saying" to me two months ago? And last but not least - is that interest of hers in woman beauty completely normal in a heterosexual way? Sorry for the bad English and yet again - thanks in advance ! P.S I can't help but notice that she neither likes hairy, nor muscular guys. She's always been into skinny long-haired guys. It's like she prefers them more femine. I know that she loves me the way I am but still, isn't there a kind of bisexual vibe about her taste in men? P.S 2 She really supports gay marriage(not lesbian but gay!) and thinks that gays are cute and sexy. She hasn't watched much lesbian porn but loves yaoi(gay hentai). Something I find to be rather weird.
The bottom line is, nobody can identify anyone's sexuality besides the person in question. So if you trust this person, you need to take what they say at face-value. If she says she's straight, then she's straight. Though, I don't think the issue here is whether or not she's actually bisexual. The problem is that she's looking at other people while you're in a relationship, and you're not okay with that. Here's where you're at: you've told her how you've felt, she acknowledged it, and she continues to check people out anyways. So she's either disregarding what you're saying, or there's some part of that that is just natural behaviour for her. Ask yourself: 1) Can you be in a relationship with her if she's checking people out? 2) Does it honestly bother you more if she's checking out girls than guys? 3) What if she actually is bisexual? Is that a problem for you? Note: with those questions I'm not trying to judge you or anything. But if you answer no to 1 or yes to 2/3, it's probably a sign that you should end the relationship if things aren't going to work out.
Thanks for the reply. I've been thinking a lot about this lately and have come to the conclusion that I'd be in a relationship with her no matter what. As long as she doesn't cheat on me, is there for me, and loves me I would never leave her. As lame as it may sound I strongly believe that she is my so called soul-mate and I've never been as serious in a relationship before. Yes, it kind of offends me that as I have eyes for nobody else, she, on the other hand, seems to seek beauty in every single human being. If she was bisexual, her checking out girls more than boys would totally bother me more but if she was not, as she claims, I could really care less. Her being bisexual would totally be a problem for me but not one I may not be able to get over. The main problem here is that I'm starting to question the person I once put so much trust in. I want to regain that trust so I'm asking if what she's telling me is practically possible. I would really like some more replies on the matter. Thanks!
ok I just have to laugh at how you say "licked a vagina," like it's a one lick lollipop or something. Sorry Now on a more serious note if she likes you then she likes you. Maybe she is trying to figure herself out. I didn't know I was a lesbian till I was 20 but I never dated a guy or had any desire to. If she seems like she really likes you and enjoys being with you does it matter if she's bisexual? I mean unless you are a saint you've probably checked out other girls too right? I think the best thing in this situation is what I always suggest to my friends- be honest with her and open. Tell her how these comments make you feel and be honest about your concerns. most importantly let her know you will love her no matter what. It sounds to me like she isn't really bi thought. She said she's had sex with women but it was never enough romantically. So I doubt she'd run off with some girl for good. As a lesbian I have to really care about someone emotionally and physically.
Well, sexuality is fluid, and typically moreso in females then males. That means that people's sexual attractions actually can change over time. Like I said before, there's nobody who can answer whether or not she's actually bisexual but her. We can speculate a ton, but that won't give you a concrete answer... which is what it sounds like you want. If your issue is the lack of trust, I think it's important that you communicate that with her. Explain to her what you told us - that you're confused and not sure if you have that level of trust because of this confusion. Furthermore, you could go on to say that from here on out, you'd like both parties to be honest (that includes you, as you weren't being forward with these thoughts). Beyond outright asking her, I don't think there's much more you can do to hope she'll confirm whether or not she's bisexual. And some more food for thought... think about what you said: "I'll love her no matter what" but "her being bisexual would totally be a problem for me". Which is a stronger feeling?
