... to my mother, and on my personal blog, but there are some concerns I have with both. My blog is public and I would like to be able to speak more freely and honestly there, but coming out as transgender in a publicly accessible place may come back to bite me in the ass. I've linked to my blog from facebook a few times but only a few close friends from "real life" follow me, and I think i'd be comfortable coming out to them. In fact, their support would mean a lot and I'm sure they'd offer it. But, it's hard to say who else might be looking and what consequences that could bring. And my mom... well, I really want to ask her what she would have named me if I'd been born a boy as I want to honor my parent's choice of name, but can't live with my current name anymore. The trouble is I've been out of contact with her for months and things have been strained since I let her in on the severity of my depression. I was dealing with that alone for years, too, but crumbled and involved her, let her know how much I need help. Unfortunately since then she has gone through a great deal of misguided effort to try and give me advice to get through my depression, and constantly rejecting those ideas and explaining why they're more harm than good, means I not only have to do so but also find a gentle and reassuring way to do so, so that she isn't hurt or blaming herself. In short, dealing with her is very upsetting and draining and it's become healthier for me to avoid talking to her. Even more than the name, I also think that letting my mom and stepdad in on what i'm going through now, might give them more time to 'transition' with me and be a part of this process, rather than having it all dropped suddenly on their laps later on. But neither of them know anything about gender dysphoria or even what transgender means and they're from a different generation, so although I know she'd probably want to know about this and be a part of my life as I go through this, I might again regret having her 'help'. I just don't know if now is the right time or if I should continue to wait it out in the closet.
There isnt a right time but the sooner you tell them the quicker they can accept and learn to understand it so you can progress with transitioning I asked my parents about names ages ago n they said Vincent Andrew (i love that name) but dad said it was a kind of joke name n they dont like it anymore (its the first names of the band erasure)
I'm just afraid it will go one of two ways: 1) they don't accept it at all, stepdad cuts off financial assistance and I lose my apartment and access to decent health care (including therapy) 2) They do accept it but don't understand and their 'help' is distressing and a drain of my limited willpower, and I end up worrying about their feelings and wellbeing over my own again Either way it just seems like it would be easier to just keep quiet about it and continue dealing alone instead of having to carry them through it too.
Can you ask them to come to therapy with you as well as on their own to be taught how to help you better regarding the depression. If they come on board with that and make an effort, then there should be no problem in coming out, perhaps at the therapist.
Ah, it's a nice suggestion, but they live 100 miles away and have a lot of animals to take care of. Coming here once a week wouldn't work for them, and me going there would be equally impractical. Thank you for the good suggestion, though.
No one can know whether the time is right to come out or not other than you. However, I will say that writing a letter might be a good approach, as it allows you to get all you want to say out in the open without interruption and also lets you do some basic education about gender dysphoria and transgenderism.
Yeah, I tried writing a letter, mostly to come out to myself and also to EC as I'd previously been too uncomfortable with that F in FTM to come out before. A few weeks ago I wrote another letter on paper just talking about this silence and how her behavior has become a burden on me, and that's why I try to keep distant. But when I mailed it I messed up my own address and it got sent back to me. I'm planning on re-writing it in an email but haven't got the energy yet. The idea of having to educate them myself and be involved with them coming to terms/understanding transsexuals is exhausting. My depression manifests as severe lethargy and inability to focus, which is what has screwed me with school. I've found ways to cut down the amount of work, but just writing that letter to my mom took me five months of trying to find the words, a week of trying to mail it, and now another two weeks of needing to rewrite it. But I do want to ask for that name so I can at least get comfortable with it and move on to changing documents. And I do want them to know... I'm just stumped.
PS- I came up with what I'm hoping is a clever workaround with the name to buy myself a little more time. I have an older sister, so I've asked her casually if she remembers what other names our parents had planned for us. She remembers the name she would have been called if she were a boy, but didn't remember mine... she said she'd ask my dad (who isn't in communication with my mom). Maybe it'll be a slick way to avoid talking about this yet? If not, I peeked at Danika's threads and found this link: Answers to your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression It's going to be so, so helpful!
