1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Giving but rarely receiving in a friendship

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by SmokeandMirrors, Feb 16, 2013.

  1. SmokeandMirrors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2013
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Such a difficult thread to title: 'giving but not receiving', 'always the giver', 'the friend that always gives'...they all sum up how I feel at times when I think about the friends I have.

    I will start by saying that, upon coming out and during the build up and process of doing some, I have found some fantastic friends in people I already know. There are just those one or two who I think 'why do I actually bother?'. I'm a very selfless person and I will do just about anything for my friends, am willing to drop anything if needed but it's rarely recipricated unless initiated by myself.

    There's just one friend in particular at the moment who I feel I am always the one to phone or msg to see how they are doing but I could wait weeks for a call or a text to see how I am (unless it's a reply). We do get on great and he was there to help me move in to my new place (albeit late). It's just that, I've been here for three weeks now and the 'yeah I'll come and hang out' promise hasn't happened or even been mentioned in conversation. We just had a convo where he messaged to apologise for missing a call and then let me know he's away with a few mates for the weekend. Well that's just dandy :dry:. So here I am wondering why my so-called friend needs a good kick in the rear to actually keep up appearances when I do my very best to be the best friend I can.

    It's always been like this for me though, even through high school. My best friend throughout was always a 'taker'. Even when I was laid up for 6 weeks from an op in 2 consecutive years, he only visited once. Once!

    I'm so glad I have met people that are there for me now but it's almost as if, on a subconcious level, some kind of block has been there preventing people from caring for me. Maybe now that I am out and proud I will develop friendships with people who like me for me and show interest in my life for a change.

    I just feel like I'm a fool or a mug and that I don't know how much more I can give to people who can't even drop a simple 'how are you doing today?'. Has anybody else ever felt this kind of sad, hollow feeling in their lifetime?
     
  2. do you enjoy time by yourself? there's many great things in doing things for yourself and taking up other forms of fun (gaming, music, anything).

    if this problem has been repeatedly continuing in your friendship, i can only offer two kernels of advice:
    1.) your friend never thought you and him were as close of friends as you thought
    2.) your friend is getting tired of you (for whatever reason)
    3.) i would probably skedaddle out of that relationship if i were you

    the only thing i can tell you when dealing with this sort of problem is by being independent from human attachment (NOT as bad as that can sound. do it only to keep yourself standing and to move on).
     
  3. SmokeandMirrors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2013
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I love being around people and part of the group. I have such a great laugh and converse easily. I do think though that it is your point No1 and that I have obviously overvalued our friendship.

    My own company is fine at times. I always have work to do but will make time for recreational activity. I'm looking forward to my cousin coming back off a cruise he is working on next month. He's probably one of the handful of people who values our kinship as much as I do.

    Thanks for the advice :slight_smile:
     
  4. Rygirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2008
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South east England
    Mate I've been in that situation as well, you're always the one to say 'yes I'll do that' or 'Just give me 15 mins, and I'll be over' but no one ever seems to think to see if you want or need a little help or for them to show just a little bit of interest in your life. All I can say is, actions speak louder than words, I came to realise that I was so free with my time for people and willingness to help other people that they actually came to expect it from me, this didn't stop until I made it stop. I simply stopped attempting to contact those 'friends' who didn't contact me and eventually they stopped calling or messaging me altogether. Which hurt a bit, but I realised that if they weren't bothered enough to email me now and again, then they can't have really considered me a friend in the first place, which also stung, but we live and we learn.
    I'm not sure how helpful this has been, but I have been through something similar to you, so I hope I can empathise.
     
  5. Minx

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2013
    Messages:
    1,293
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado
    I think a quote from fma can sum this up.

    "Equal effort does not always mean equal gain."

    I find this rings true especially with varying relationships/friendships. Some people just won't give back what we put into a connection. That's just how some of them are. :dry:
     
  6. MichaelB

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2012
    Messages:
    421
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Yeah, I feel like it all the time. I too would describe myself as a very selfless person, but I'm starting to think that the problem is more myself than other people (I mean, out of my friends, I would say I only really have one friend that truly puts in as much effort as I do, so... one friend out of atleast 20, odds are not in my favour! xD)

    I came to the conclusion that I happen to be on the opposite end of the 'selfless' spectrum, near the selfless end and everyone else is on the other end near the selfish area.

    So I came to the conclusion that I had 3 options available.

    1), the most drastic, but cut off the selfish people from my life. I decided this wasn't feasible since I felt like a good 90% of my friendships felt rather one sided, and I didn't want to become a recluse! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: (when I say one sided, it's usually me listening to their problems/asking how they are/making sure they're okay/if there's anything I could do to help them etc)

    2) Distance myself from the selfish people and play them at their own game; talk about myself/my problems more/become more self centered in general

    or

    3) Acknowledge everyone is different, and people are simply more inherently selfish or selfless and come to terms with it, and at least take comfort in that I'm seen as a dependable/reliable/helpful friend.


    I tried option 2, but it felt contrived and forced. So after a grand total of 2 months trying to be more self centered, I reverted back to my old ways and simply accepted that the powers to be made me a more selfless person on average than other people, and see it as a positive thing rather than a negative thing.

    So ye, wasn't much help I know haha, but it's the only conclusion I've come too, unless some wizard comes along and gives us both insight on how to manage it better. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  7. SmokeandMirrors

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2013
    Messages:
    127
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks Rygirl. It's reassuring to know that other people can empathise the situation and I to theirs too.

    I have done option 1 with my cousin and his gf 4 years ago. They just took the mick and thought I was a taxi whenever I went around and then took the funnies when I got into a relationship and spent less time being a servant to them. When he didn't even bother to contact me when my ex and I lost our first pregnancy it was the final straw.

    For the other friends though, I think I am like you and too nice there to even cut them off. My aim this year is two things though:
    1) To be honest within myself and others (not in a 'I lie way' just in a 'be who you are' way)
    2) Stand up for myself and my rights more