Let's feel like we did before. Before we were feeling.

It's been 21 years and counting. For as long as I can remember all I wanted was to be accepted and have friends or maybe just one friend and to fit in. I now know that that's impossible and will never happen. It just wasn't meant to be. I'm too far gone now, my mind is like a roller coaster from hell. I have no one to talk to, no one to relate to, and ultimately no one to connect to.

God makes mistakes. Because i'm one. And now I feel a renewed sense of why i'm here through god's little mishap, kinda like a new invention or discovery. I'm a visual artist and i'm not afraid to be. I want to make my own little mistakes and make the world weird. I want to not fit in, I want to be weird, I want to loose all sense of sexuality and gender and everything else that makes humans hate each other because I know that i'll never be able to expirence sex or be in any relationship at all. I know that I have no control over other people's thoughts, feelings, and emotions because I've been hated just for no reason at all so why should I care what other people think if i'm going to be hated by people I don't even know for no reason. I how discovered a new found hatred for reality. So why not create something of an alternate reality that doesn't make much sense, that's full of flaws and mistakes where nothing seems to fit in through art. The ultimate act of nonconformity.

I know in my heart that i'm a loving, caring person who just want's to find someone to spend the rest of my life with. And I do feel lonely, depressed, sometimes a little fed up. But now I must shut that area of my existance out and be totally focused on creating a body of artwork,....seemingly forever. I swear on the holy alter of the creator that I will not rest until I complete my goal to become a famous artist. And if I should fail then hell awaits me. But if i'm a mistake, a piece from another puzzle that doesn't fit into the one that makes up this reality, then does that mean I go anywhere when I'm gone? Even so I will still seak my goal. And I will not fail.

Sorry but i'm naturally a bit dramatic. I didn't mean to creep anyone out if I did. I can't help but be different. I don't know how to be any other way. When I was born there wasn't an instruction manuel attached. So I just go by how I feel. Oh feelings, that should go too, along with emotions, and sexual attraction. Those things just make me suffer. It was never my choice to be here, to expirence this. Let's make the world weird. Because if God want to get sloppy with his creations I should make the mess present and easy to spot. And best way I know how is through art. So i'm not going to be posting anything else for a while. I might check this thread out after a week or so. BYE! :smilewave