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MtF - Lonely

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by WitchOfSpace, Feb 17, 2013.

  1. WitchOfSpace

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    I have a lot of love to give, and I am lonely. I miss being in love. That connection with somebody. That wonderful feeling.

    Sex, I figure I can get if I really must by hooking up with people, and my drive will largely subside on HRT anyway. Not that I have much of a drive in the first place. Sex for me would mostly an affirming experience. It's not as important to me as just having somebody special to love and be loved by.

    Loving somebody else, and to be loved by someone else in that way is something I crave. It's so rare for people to be okay with people like me though. I think mostly only bisexual/pansexual people like myself would be okay with dating a transgirl, and yeah, that's how my ex was (long distance relationship).

    I just really, really hope I'll find love and soon. I mean, not years from now. Like, within a year or two or something. I'm afraid that I'll be alone for a really long time (many years), and I guess I'm posting this because I could use some encouragement that maybe my fears that I'm alone for the longterm are just fears.

    Part of the reason I've stayed closeted so long is that I don't want to be alone and I'm afraid my gender will keep me from finding lasting love.

    Some friends of mine want to set me up with a guy.. a good friend of theirs. I wouldn't be able to meet him till July though. If he doesn't like me or we don't work out, then I'm going to want to see what I can do about my loneliness. LGBT dating sites? I don't know... is that too desperate?

    I don't really see myself as desperate, just that I acknowledge that love isn't just going to come to me so easily like it might for some people, and I'm afraid of being left alone. :frowning2:

    Any thoughts on all this? Am I thinking of this in an unhealthy way?
     
  2. Deaf Not Blind

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    Please try not to go out for a one nighter, cuz I read how sad mtfs can be after a guy hook up treats them like a MAN in a dress and meat.

    Dont you think with all that love in your heart to give the person who deserves you ought to be worth waiting for? i undy the hormone thing pushing you to consider just sex, but I think you wont be happy you did. really.
     
  3. WitchOfSpace

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    Saying "no" to somebody who did like me but whom I didn't think I'd be happy with at all was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Sometimes I regret it and think that I lost my one chance at finding somebody.

    And I don't want to just "put out", and make myself into some sexual thing that I'm not, but I guess I'm scared that nobody will want me otherwise.

    And no, I wouldn't and couldn't deal with being treated like a "man in a dress". I need to be treated like a lady. That's part of why I've been single so much over the years. I need the person I'm with to understand that and accept my gender. So few people would though.
     
    #3 WitchOfSpace, Feb 17, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2013
  4. Deaf Not Blind

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    NOT TRUE!

    There IS somebody who will love you! Please wait! I seen cis-gender girls put out thinking by showing tits online when asked, and spreading legs for a guy they will get married to him and escape their hell. Guess what happens?

    I saw a poster a long time ago explicitly tell us how a guy online said stuff like pretty baby, she was so lonely went against her better judgemnets,met up...he was big, stong, fat black man, I guess she was small, he forced her to perform anal and oral, and said "ohhh yeah man sex!" then said his ass smelled of man ass. she was more than hurt...i want you to think abt it...she really was date raped she had been scared to say no.

    Yeah, as you are now, few will say they accept you are a girl, few is ok, you don't need everbody! Many guys are good guys, we don't want girls who sleep around like a slut...yeah im blunt. Not one of my "girl" friends would I want to be with as a man as my gf, they have too low self esteem and too desperate. I want a girl who loves me for me, and you wil one day find somebody who wants you for you...we both will.

    I was realy tempted to hook up with a nutter on campus...you can prob find that thread in Dec or Nov. She wanted me so bad...but I knew her dating history with men here and no way I want to go thru that shit.

    We only regret the fact we said no to a sure thing, its them horemones...just remmy u r special, u r a gift to somebody not a sex toy.
     
  5. wandering i

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    A lot of the fear I've felt about admitting to myself not only that I could be, but am trans, came from exactly what you wrote about here. Coming to realize that I've only kept my incorrect body, put up with it and how people treat me because of it, just so that someday I'd have a statistical advantage to meet someone and make them happy, really pushed me over the edge.
    I told my therapist this was one of the factors that triggered me being unable to deal with this anymore, and he put it pretty well. "You don't want someone to like you for things you don't even like about yourself".

    If I did decide to keep going the same way, to preserve what the rest of the world would call normal, but what I know to be incorrect, meet a great person, and they are completely happy to have me as a "female", I still would be unhappy. I think it must be the same for you, too.
    It is scary to think about the consequences of transitioning, or even living as transgender. But I will never know true happiness until I can be myself, and I will never feel totally comfortable and fulfilled in a relationship until they see me for who I am, treat me with respect, and love me even more for my differences rather than seeing them as a flaw.

    I believe there are enough people in this world that you will meet not only one, but many with whom you can share love. This doesn't always mean a sexual or romantic relationship, but even having a close platonic love with someone who loves me for who I am would be more valuable to me in the long run than an easier sex life with people who don't understand me.

    You and I are more than what's in our pants. We're complex people that do not accept the gender binary and believe all people deserve respect and love. If we meet people who aren't at that level of understanding, why should we torture ourselves to make them happy?

    That's how I see this.
     
  6. WitchOfSpace

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    I just don't think that this is all likely to happen though. Of course I'd prefer to have a lover who accepts me for who I am, but I don't see that just happening. Not unless I do something or seek love out somehow. I'm not sure how attractive I am, for one. Right now, in this state of low self-esteem, I feel very ugly. I can look in the mirror and feel badly about how I look.

    My ex, when things were bad near the end, said things like "don't expect to find a girl who loves you like me", and things like that to keep me from breaking up with her. I know that's fucked up, but I can't help but think it's kind of true. It's just not likely that somebody will like me.

    That's why I think like, dating sites or something. After two abusive relationships with people I met online though, I am afraid of that. (Not on dating sites though, but still...)

    Maybe I'm best off being single... but how do I accept my singleness? How can I be okay with this, in the long term? Because I don't see it changing for a long while, at the very least.

    I'm not even going to think about that guy my friends want to have me see and meet. He sounds cool, and I'm sure we could be friends, but I doubt he'd like me that way. I'm just going to assume it won't work out so I'm less disappointed when it happens.
     
  7. WitchOfSpace

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    I don't know. I'm sorry if I'm being super, super depressing. I am just so skeptical of the idea that somebody will actually love me someday. I know my thinking isn't healthy.

    I feel like I could better deal with this if I could think of myself as "available", rather than "forever alone", but I really can't because I feel like I'm in imminent danger of being alone forever.
     
  8. person54

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    The date is up to you and I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with but if you go, maybe you'll have fun with him and like wandering i said you can get a really meaningful relationship out of close friends.

    I feel like I was in a similar situation to yours a year ago and I know how hard it is since I'm single again but what I did was completly give up on trying to find somebody after I'd been wanting a relationship for a long time. I just kind of decided I'd just focus on trying to be good to myself and not worrying about trying to seem available or attractive.

    Not exactly sure how but I wound up in a relationship for a while, I think it got me more active, less worried about what other people thought and more of them met me since I went out more. It sounds like you're going through a rough patch, it's hard to just not care about the relationship thing I know I do it a lot myself, and I don't know what being good to yourself would mean for you but I just thought I'd share since it made me feel better about life even before I got into a relationship.
     
  9. 2 things: there are a LOT more accepting people out there than you think and plenty of people who'd love you.

    AND

    Being single is a GIFT. Now is the time to really focus in on your life and make it as beautiful and awesome as possible. For yourself, an not for anyone else. If you're happy with where and who you are, other people notice and friends and maybe potential dates will be drawn to that.
     
  10. June Cleaver

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    My experience has been guys always want sex.... It drives me crazy sometimes. I have met several guys over the years who wanted the woman I am. There will be let downs and some good guys too. It is just life. For me, guys easily see June though I look like John. It is hard to find the right guy. I once spent many years alone after loosing my partner. It is never a good idea to stay alone but don't put out to just any Tom, Dick, or Hairy. If you appear weak, deaprate, loose, etc the good guys will pass you by. We are lucky to live in a world that is way more accepting of us. When I was a teen back in the 1980's it was a lot harder back then. Guys have always wanted sex favors, it is more that people in public are more accepting. Yes a man will love you one day. Just be yourself and let it happen natraully. June
     
  11. wandering i

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    How To Be Alone - YouTube

    I grew up without friends in the city, and when we moved to the mountains I was alone there, too- but a different kind of alone. What I've found is that it's worse to be alone when surrounded by people who are supposed to be your friends and loved ones. It's better to be alone on your own terms, to choose to be alone and focus on your own thoughts, needs, and whims.
    Since my last breakup and subsequent dumping of most of my friends and other relationships, I have simplified and decided I am in a relationship with myself. My concern is taking care of myself, making myself laugh and feel happy and safe. I have always been a giving and nurturing person, but my priorities have been other people and this is the first time in my life I have decided not to put others above myself. Right now I am the primary steward of my own care. And you know, i know just exactly what I want.

    I encourage you to take care of yourself. Find what is good about yourself and nurture it. Find what is bad about yourself, understand, accept, and forgive it- you are human.
    If you love yourself, others will long to know you because they are seeking the way to finding self-love, too. If you see the value in yourself, others will too. Then it's just a matter of deciding if they're right to invest your energies in.

    ---------- Post added 17th Feb 2013 at 12:34 PM ----------

    PS- Animals don't care what society thinks of you. They only care if you love them and care for them. If you have interest in a pet, I suggest it.
     
    #11 wandering i, Feb 17, 2013
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2013