Hi, my name is Katherine and I'm new to this site. I'm 18 years old and lesbian. I've known of my attraction to women since I was about 13, and went with "bi" until I was 16 because that seemed to be more accepted. When I was 16 I had my first boyfriend and we got along great but there was no spark, at least for me. He knew I was "bi" and was ok with the idea of me hooking up with girls while we were dating. For my sweet 16, my ex girlfriend came to visit and we did end up having sex. That was the first time I felt any sort of passion in a long while! Afterwards I couldn't stop thinking about it! I wasn't in love with her anymore, but the experience was nothing like what I had been feeling with my boyfriend. I had never felt butterflies when I kissed him! I told him about my feelings and he was not happy. After 9 months of being together, I finally broke up with him and told him I thought I was gay. He was the first person I ever came out to and now he is my best friend. We talk all the time, we go to movies together, and it sometimes seems that he'd be the perfect person for me if I were only attracted to him! Now, two years after realizing that my feelings for women are much stronger than I originally thought, I've begun to accept that I am lesbian. Many of my friends know this about me now, but my parents still do not. The reason I am writing all this is because I am looking for advice.. Two years ago I became confident in my sexuality and accepted that being gay is not a choice. Recently (in the past yr), however, I have been feeling a lot of internalized homophobia. There are some days when I hate myself for feeling the way I do, and all I pray or is to be "normal" or even straight! I go to bed in tears. I feel depressed, as if because I'm gay no one will ever love me and I'll end up alone. These feelings of anger and hate that I have towards myself cannot be good, and it has started to affect my daily life! I don't know what to do about it anymore. If anyone has felt the same way or has any advice to offer, it would greatly appreciated!!
The first thing that I have to get out of the way is this: if you are a member of some far-right church that is anti-gay, you need to leave it right away. There are no two ways about this. There are plenty of churches that are accepting of gay people. But other than that, you have to deal with this very logically. If your feelings of depression come from you having thoughts that no-one will ever love you and you'll end up alone, then you have to maybe even take out a sheet of paper and assemble the evidence for this. And I don't think you'll find much of it. But sometimes this logical approach mightn't work, even though it's a very good way of dealing with things. Have you ever thought about turning this anger and hate to good use and getting involved in gay rights causes? Because "logically", it makes no sense to direct it at yourself. There are many causes which require passion that need people like you. I'd bet even your best friend would go with you. Do you have many gay friends? I know you're out to all your friends, but this isn't the same thing, since they really don't know what you're going through. It's really easy to convince yourself that you're worthless if you don't have people to talk to about what you're going through. But you'll find that if you do have two or three gay friends who you meet up with every so often, who are going through the exact same things that you are, that this kind of internal self-hate will drop away. Also, I often speak to my guidance counsellor in school, and he is really helpful when I'm dealing with stuff like this. Maybe you could go and try see a therapist or something, or if you're at university, there may be free support services and counselling for students. They're all really worth a shot.
