Hey all, I'm completely new to this, so please bare with me, but I've been having some feelings lately that I'm completely unsure of and I don't know who I can talk to about them. I'm a 27 year old male in the midwest, who has only ever been with women in the past. Even when I masturbate, it's only to women or straight porn. I've been in two long term relationships in my life, heading into a third, and these are the only two women I've had sex with. I've had plenty of opportunities with other women, but truth is, I've had trouble getting it up each time. I've just always attributed this to the fact that my brain is somehow stopping me from doing this since it's "wrong" (or at least I was sort of programmed that way). I had comfortable sex lives with my past two girlfriends, even though it took me awhile to get to that point each time. In the past month or so, I've been having some feelings/what I think is sexual attraction towards men, and it's been making me extremely uncomfortable. Aside from a few off dreams and thinking someone is an attractive dude, this really has never happened in the past. Now, it's all I can think about --- although I will admit I can have an obsessive personality and my mind just doesn't let things go sometimes, I'm just not sure what to think. Maybe I'm being crazy but I'm pretty worried right now. Can anyone on here give me any advice? It really would be appreciated. Thanks!
It's really bloody confusing when something like this happens, I must imagine. The only advice I can give you is to try and explore this side of your sexuality. Just because you're attracted to men now doesn't mean that your attraction to women is completely gone, though. Human nature is extremely complicated, and by extension, so is sexuality. If you're thinking that you have to fit into either one of the three subgroups: straight, bisexual or gay, then you're wrong. A lot of people use these labels, and they can be very useful. But in truth, you can experience varying levels of attraction for men and women. It could be 30% for women and 70% for men, or 60% for women and 40% for men, or anywhere in between. Have you tried looking maybe at some gay porn and see how you feel? It may take a while for you to come to terms with your attraction to men. There is definitely a feeling of self-judgement and insecurity when you realise something like this, but you will get over it. The one thing you don't have to worry about is feeling alone, because there are so many people like you. What particular worries do you have about your attraction to men?
dont get confused. take some time to figure it out. try gay porn and see are you sexually aroused by it or not. and what kind of attraction are you talking about. one type this guy is handsome or he is looking good in these clothes etc or omg he is so cute i wana kiss him lol there is a lot of difference bw the two. many people have attraction for bith sexes its like they simply chose what they like more love is love dear so dnt worry and figure it out in your own time without worring too much
I wouldn't say it's me wanting to kiss them, it's just getting uncomfortable and then my balls start to ache a bit. It's worrying to me. Truth is, I really can't imagine being with anyone but a woman. My tendencies may be feeling differently though, which is tough to take, and I'm struggling with it. I overanalyze things constantly, and I'm worried that I planted this seed in my mind and it's all in my head. This has all happened in the past few weeks to a month. Can you really go 27 years without realizing something like this? The girl I'm with currently is amazing, and I would hate to lose her (but I don't want to hurt her by being selfish, either).
I'd say try not to get stressed out about it. My brain likes to over-think things all the time, so I have to be really careful. It may be that you had a few thoughts about being gay and now your worrying is what's causing you to have more thoughts. So just don't worry about it. I agree with exploring that side of your sexuality, and that isn't just limited to watching porn. Just allow yourself to think about what it would be like to date/have sex with/marry a man and figure out how you truly feel. Do you feel uncomfortable because it's new or do you feel uncomfortable because it just doesn't feel right for you? Take the time to listen to what you really feel like on the inside. Whatever happens, trying to force yourself to go one way or another will just make the problem worse. Don't fight the thoughts in your head because it'll just make you more confused. If you are still romantically interested in the girl you are with, I don't see why you should leave her. When you figure it all out, you can decide whether or not to leave. If she is truly amazing, you won't lose her completely, you'll just stop dating. Remember: take a breath, stop, listen to your heart. There is no rush, no need to panic/worry, and no need to make any rash decisions. Just my two cents! Good luck!
I think the harder you fight against or try to ignore this thought, the more overpowering it will become. So it may be best to look it straight on and say, "OK. What if?" Try looking at men with desire, try fantasizing. Does it feel right or wrong? Does it physically arouse you or not? From there you will surely have other doubts or questions. "Is it because of this or that". But you can't get to and answer each series of questions unless you continue moving forward and experimenting. Like any good scientific experiment, you'll get more out of it if you are thorough and keep some kind of record so you can look back at results. But you will have to continue trying different things and not shy away. You're in pursuit of the truth!
Tons of great advice here! I am 33 and only recently came to the determination that I am gay. It hit me two years ago and I became obsessed with it too...I was like..how can denial be that strong to go so long. I had/have only actually dated men. Some were great guys but it just always felt harder than it should have been. It felt comfortable to just say that I was "questioning" while I took time to figure things out. I kept looking back through my life and it was always hard to initiate the physical part. First kisses were so much pressure and sex was more like a performance for me. At first I stuck with straight porn and finally realized I was more into the girl. But relaxing and not fighting what I had stuck with as identity so long was hard. My mind would keep playing tricks on me. This site has been great. Posting when I relate to things helps me discern more and more about myself and there are tons of supportive people on here to message or post questions for advice. So glad you are here and trying to figure things out! (*hug*)
Thanks all for the fantastic advice. I've been doing a ton of research, and I'm pretty sure this is more anxiety-based rather than sexual (if that makes any sense). I wouldn't call my reaction to anything I've been looking sexual, although the groinal response is extremely confusing. It's not really me thinking about it sexually per se. I do have a history of anxiety problems and a bout with depression. My mind can be my own worst enemy. When I try to calm down, things start to get better, and when I just accept my feelings instead of instantly rejecting them, things start to calm down (unfortunately, this will inevitably reverse, it's a vicious cycle). Whatever I am, I am...and if it is not anxiety, so be it. But I'm pretty sure it is. The more I calm down, the more I think about how much I care about my girlfriend, something that had been lost on me for quite a while now.
By the way, this is the first time I've encountered this site. Can't say what an unbelievably great and supportive group it is. Awesome!
