Ok so here is the story.There is this guy that I have been friends with at college since last semester. He's very cute and I'm very much attracted to him. He's an amazing guy, but I really don't know whether he is straight or not. He talks with a slight gay accent, he does a lot of feminine hand gestures, he likes cooking for people, he lets me rub his shoulders all the time and frankly, he doesn't mind me touching him all the time either. Of course these are all stereotypes and I've learned my lesson from going off of them alone. He also goes out with a lot of girls but never gets serious with them. He, like me, wants to wait until marriage to lose his virginity. He could be using the girls as a cover for liking guys as well, but that's just pure speculation at this point. He could be bisexual or maybe even gay, but I think it's a stronger possibility that he is metrosexual. My RA is one and he reminds me of my friend so much. I want to keep my options open at this point as I really don't know one way or the other. What do you guys think?
It's possibility, but never just assume. If you want to know, then ask, simple as that. Well, it's not really simple...but...well...you get what I'm trying to say. I have a friend like that, well not like that, as in how you described your friend, but as he could be easily questioned. I mean he has a girlfriend which is great and all but he had openly admitted that he thinks vagina looks like 'butchered meat' and the fact that he doesn't really like boobs. Granted he did actually tell me before that he was bi, then came back and denied it later, so idk. Good luck with your friend.
Sounds like it. I doubt with all the things you've described that he would be offended or even surprised if you asked if he was gay/bi so why not? Does he know you're bi? He would probably feel more comfortable telling you if he knew you were yourself.
No he doesn't know I'm bi. At this point, i feel as if I can trust him not to tell anyone but it's not just that. I fear that if I tell him, he'll accept me, but he'll be wary of me touching him in the future. Like I said in my post, I always rub his shoulders when the opportunity presents itself and he likes them too and I feel as if I tell him that he won't let me touch him anymore.
Would you like to live with the closure of at least knowing that you couldn't have ever had something more? Or would you rather be forever limited to platonic touching, always wondering what could have been?
To add onto this, strong relationships (friendships included) are based on being open and honest in communication. Is hiding this part of you from him - especially if it gets to a point where you meet a guy or something (regardless whether or not it's him) - worth a few shoulder rubs? And if he wouldn't be comfortable with you... then is being friends with someone who really isn't okay with you worth a few shoulder rubs? It doesn't sound worth it to me in either case, but that's just my opinion.
I know it's just shoulder rubs, but to me its sooo much more. Just touching him makes me feel so good inside and I love having that feeling. So really it's not the shoulder rubs, but the way he makes me feel that I like so much. This may seem low but to me a fake friendship is worth it, for now. I'm sorry but when it comes to guys, I set my standards low but when it comes to women I set them sky high. I don't know why I do this but I just do. It's a lot about me that I'm trying to figure out now.
I get that touching people can be a nice experience. I'm not super-touchy, but I enjoy touching and being touched by my friends - guys especially. It works out nicely because my one housemate R is super touchy (though he's straight). He'd give me massages occasionally and I'd feel great. R has recently given up being touchy with most people under the guidance of someone he speaks with a lot. The lesson he got was that when he's being touchy, for most people he's sending the wrong signal. Since most people aren't touchy, those people will take his contact as something more special than just the average person would. Nobody can tell you whether or not your friend is into guys. But I can tell you that he's likely not just interpreting this as two guys giving each other a shoulder rub... otherwise he'd be asking for it from all of his guy friends. He knows there's something different about this setup on some level. You know there's something different on some level, since you like him. The problem is that it's being left unsaid. So yes, coming out to him may make him feel weirded out for a bit. Maybe he'll totally accept you. Maybe he'll continue to let you rub his shoulders (though I'd advise against that, personally). But the bottom line is, the longer you go without communicating with him, the more likely things will get lost in translation, and by the time everything comes to light (unless you are NEVER planning on coming out to him), things will be even more messy than if you took care of it now. And if you've been considering at all that if he's not into you that your goal is to get over him, the longer you drag this out the harder it'll be to get over him. Do yourself a favour and tell him. It might be uncomfortable, but it won't be the end of the world (unless your world revolves around shoulder rubs, but then that's a separate issue in itself).
^Top notch post. I'd like to add that if you tell him you're gay, emphasize the fact that you value him as a friend, make sure to eliminate any thought in his mind that you only hung out with him as possibility of getting in his pants before it takes root and pushes you apart. As long as you make sure to let him know that you value your friendship, he'll probably be fine with it. I know what you mean about a fake relationship being better than none, but in the long run, you'd be better off clearing the air. If you can really just be satisfied with occasionally hanging out and enjoying the thought that he possibly feels the same, while continuing on with your daily life without being obsessed with him, by all means, keep it up if you really want to. But if you're harboring serious feelings for him, they'll just drain you over time if you never find out if they're reciprocated or not.
Wow all of this is really great advice. I do plan on telling him I'm bi in the near future but in the meantime I plan on letting him know that I can be someone he can trust and that I'm not homophobic. I also plan on taking things a bit further with him to see how things go. I hope things work out well. Thanks again for all the advice
