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Shades of Self-Deception

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by greatwhale, Feb 17, 2013.

  1. greatwhale

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    So I have accepted that I am Gay, it only took about 30 years...

    Having made the choice to accept this fundamental fact about myself, I suddenly recognized, with unbelievable clarity the various ways in which I engaged in self-deception and I would like to share these with you (definitely not an exhaustive list)...

    1) EGO: what an enemy this one is, a right old bastard. The ego is the person you think you ought to be; it will create in your mind a whole scenario around your idealized self, it will make you straight when you aren't, you'll think yourself smarter and more in control that you really are, and you will believe its big and little lies about yourself for the sake of "normalcy"

    Fundamentaly it's about fear, the ego thrives on it. It will call you "flexible" to justify your avoiding making the hard decisions, it will flatter you and lead you to believe that all women adore you, it will help you ignore reality for the sake of conformity. If you truly understand that you are fearful of declaring yourself Gay, I can respect that, it is real, but to hide under the "cloak of flexibility", is just an ego trip...

    2) The Thrill of Transgression: this one is pernicious, the saunas are just waiting for you to show up and to convince yourself how clever you are at juggling your family life with your secret life...of course the truth comes out eventually

    3) Rationalization: the key word here is "just", as in "I'm just engaging in casual sex", or, the guys I'm having sex with just want it casual too, no strings attached...no one is getting hurt, disappointed, cheated...It's a healthy release, etc...there is no end to it, and the smarter you are, the easier it is to come with all sorts of excuses, justifications and lies.

    4) Thinking you are the only one in this situation: enough said, and this website proves otherwise. I'd bet a computer program could come up with a generic text built out of all the posts and they would probably be perfectly adequate for most situations.

    5) Again the ego, that bastard...it'll give you the persona of The Loner, "no one will ever know about me", "my life is perfectly compartmentalized and nothing will bleed from one thing to another"...until your marriage ends.

    6) The Intelectual: "oh sure, I go for secret encounters, but it's just a fantasy". The intellectual thinks he's always in control, "it can't possibly mean anything that I go there every other week"..."I'm in complete control"...but the pattern isn't recognized, and why is it always that particular fantasy?

    I'm sure there are more, but I've been in the closet for so long, I have encountered all of the above...until the day I chose to accept what I am. It's then that all this crap became palpable...
     
  2. wandering i

    Full Member

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    I really appreciate you writing these down... I admire that you have been able to move through these things and find what you needed to accept the truth. And thank you for sharing your experience.