Hey, I turn 20 in two days. Two days! I don't see where my life is going at all, things were going, alright, then just went to shit. I'm not out, at all. I know I'm gay, I got through those head games in late elementary school early highschool actually. I want people to know I'm gay, I can't live a fake life anymore. I've gone twenty years pretending to be someone I'm not. Being in the closet has created a lot of stress and has made me constantly depressed. Especially after highschool. Lately its to the point of uncontrollable crying and wanting to kill myself. Which, I don't think I could do, I couldn't hurt my family...but who knows what I'll do when when I'm at my lowest low? Because of being continually sad, and searching for who I am and this added stress, I managed to be suspended from the best university in the country, half way through my degree. The only thing that was going right in life was taken away from me. Since I couldn't go back to school, I couldnt afford to live in the city, I moved back with my parents. Its' a smaller town and my friends here don't understand being gay at all. They are my oldest friends, but a part of me can't stand them...it's too fake. I thought I left this life behind when I moved. Now I'm back, having trouble finding a decent job. I just quit the pathetic job I had. Nothing is good enough. So now I am out of university, out of a job, pretty much out of friends since I left them at university and pushing away the ones here, a father who hates me before he even knows I'm gay, i have more debt than I can imagine, and I have no idea what to do from here. I know coming out will change the course of my life, most likely for the better...but I can't bring myself to do it. So, where do I go from here? I know what I have to do to be happy, but...for some reason I can't do it. Sorry for the long read, just wanted to get my thoughts into words. I suppose my question for you reading this is, how did you come out? How did you get enough nerve to get out the words to your first person? Who was your first person? After that? Where to go, what to do? Blatently my mood has changed over the course of writing this post. :eusa_doh: I should add, that...my frustration at twenty also deals with that I've never been in a single relationship, been intimate or even held hands with a guy for christ sake. Too freaked out, I'll be outed. bah!
Im kind of in a similar situation. I havent ever been in a relationship and it sucks. Ive come out to 4 people sofar. And believe me when you come out to someone its crazy how great it feels! You feel alot more comfortable around the people. Just come out to someone someone you can trust. The first people i told was my mom. I dont know how your parents are but mine are cool about that kind of stuff. I havent come out to my dad yet i wont for awhile i think it will be harder to come out to a guy. But yea i came out to my mom by writing her a letter it was like 2-3 pages and at the end of it i said when your ready come and talk to me. It was great we talked for a long time. I understand how you feel exactly when you said you cant live a fake life anymore it sucks doesnt it. It sucks that society has made it more frowned upon to be gay than be a drug dealer or something along those lines. I suggest just come out. It will be scary at first but youll be moe happy later. What sucks for me is im still in highschool and i dont want to come out to everyone because a lot of people would hate me i live in the fucking bible belt.
Coming out can be the hardest part of being gay. You don't know who to trust and who will look down on you. At least you found this web site, talking to other members will help relieve some stress. I know how you feel. I am most likly going to drop out of school because I can't get a lone, and I got a new boss at my work and I am going to loss my promotion, and he is trying to make me leave the company. Not all of my friends or my family know I am gay. I found it was easier to find one good friend and tell her first. I suggest you go to or call your best friend in your whole life and tell them. They already have a view on you and most likly will not change thier opinion about you. If you ever need to talk I am here for you. Life is hard but if you have some one to talk to it can be easier.
hey man, thanks for the reply. you're a brave guy to come out to some people in highschool. The letter sounds like a good idea, I might try that. Get all my thoughts down on paper, or least do that to realize what I want to say..then say it. Rain33, if you plan on going to college after highschool, just straight up let everyone know you're gay from the moment you get there. Or it will turn into highschool all over again:tantrum: haha..stupid highschool. i'm off for now, Talk with you laterr and thanks twinbowski I just have to figure out which friend I actually trust! haha
I know how you feel...I am in a very similar situation, but I have managed to tell two people--a friend and my therapist. Beyond that, I'm stuck. My family would freak out and I would probably lose all my other friends. I will say, however, that just telling one person takes off a huge amount of pressure. It's not a long-term solution, but for me, I can't express how much better I felt. Just make sure if you tell someone, you can trust the person. Honestly, if you can think of anyone you know that would take the news well and would be confidential and supportive, tell just that person. I have also been dealing with depression and I know how you are feeling right now. Being gay is SO isolating sometimes because you feel that you are the only person that understands your problems. My friends and family are seemingly "close" to me, but no one really truly knows me and that hurts. But you should know that you are not alone and one day, you will be out and things will turn around for the better. It just takes loads and loads of time...I have realized that and I'm now also just beginning to come out to people. Being on this website is a great first start and know that you can always talk to people here. I hope this helped a little.
Ryder and j.412, I agree w/ what twinbowski said. Good friends are a great thing when it comes to coming out. They can give you support and encouragement, and, if they know your family, they can also give you some ideas on how they think your family might react and what might be the best way to approach the subject w/ them. I know it is so, SO hard to come out. Good luck, guys. Oh, just real quick: For me, preoccupation over coming out was a huge part of why the other parts of my life were falling apart. Coming out really helped me start the rebuilding process.
Welcome to Empty Closets, Ryder, Rain, twinbowski and j.142. That is a very good point, and is exactly how it was for me too. It's a bit like when you go for a job interview or something - it occupies and takes over your thoughts for days yet when you get there it's not such a big deal. OK, coming out is a bigger deal than a job interview, but I hope you see the point I'm trying to make. Once I had come out to family, work and friends I really felt a weight was off my shoulders and I could get on with the rest of my life again. Welcome to EC Ryder, Rain, twinbowski and j.142.
I've been, quoting BaciListClostridium, 'preoccupied' with a guy for a month or so now, and it's starting to get a little annoying. I realize that I'm preoccupied, I know that the main thing I need to do is just come out to him, but I'm really not sure how. The whole thing (and my lack of doing anything about it) is starting to drive me crazy...
