So this is probably the same story you've heard a hundred times before. I'm just extremely confused and it helps to write it down. I just need someone who cares to listen. All my life I've always suspected that something was off about me. I've always been a straight A student, I'm an only child, my parents are mostly supportive in everything I do, and my friends are great. The problem is I've never been happy. I'm just now getting to the point where I want to go hang out with my friends all the time and never want to be home. The problem with that is that I don't want to be home because I feel like I'm lying to my parents. I've dated five guys in my entire life, kissed three, and didn't feel a single thing. With two of the ones I kissed, it was almost repulsive. None of those relationships lasted longer than two weeks. I've never dated a girl, but I've always been more attracted to them, emotionally and physically. With girls, I set my standards low, but with guys, my standards are high. In movies and books, I always find the guys romantic and attractive and think "I'd date someone like him" but in real life I've never connected with a guy in anyway. Except for my bestfriend, but its completely platatonic.(he's gay) I guess I know what I am... I just have trouble accepting it. I don't want to let my parents down. My Mom would be devastated if I told her and would blame herself. She wouldn't understand that its not her fault I'm like this. I've become happier since acknowledging the feelings inside me instead of just brushing them off. I'm just not sure where I stand anymore. The question that nags at me the most is "where do I go from here?" I've always pushed any female friends I've had away because I was terrified of getting too close to them, I just didn't know why. Now that I've acknowledged that I was scared of what I was feeling for them its easier. I live in a fairly small town. We don't have any GLBT groups and the only people I know who think the same way I do are guys. Its pretty lonely around here.
Hi there, fellow Ohioan From what you posted, you indicate that you feel like you're trapped between choosing to accept yourself for your attraction to the same gender and your commitment to your parents. That makes sense completely, have no fear. May I ask, are your parents religious? But that's beside the point. What you need to do is think; you're questioning your orientation, it seems to me. But, you know that you're attracted to women. Let me tell you-- it's ok for you to feel like this. You need to be able to look at yourself and say, "I am attracted to women, and I'm happy with that." Only then will you be able to get to the point of comfort to begin coming out to many others. In dealing with parents, you'll have to let them know that nothing is wrong with you, and that they haven't failed as parents. Just because you're attracted to women doesn't mean that it negates all your successes in the past. As for your feelings of wanderlust, it's only natural; you're 18, so I assume you're an upperclassman in high school... you'll get outta there soon enough. Do you plan to go to college or university? Just so you know-- gay people EVERYWHERE. You won't feel lonely if you plan to go to one of those, lemme tell you.
