So this is probably the same story you've heard a hundred times before. I'm just extremely confused and it helps to write it down. I just need someone who cares to listen. All my life I've always suspected that something was off about me. I've always been a straight A student, I'm an only child, my parents are mostly supportive in everything I do, and my friends are great. The problem is I've never been happy. I'm just now getting to the point where I want to go hang out with my friends all the time and never want to be home. The problem with that is that I don't want to be home because I feel like I'm lying to my parents. I've dated five guys in my entire life, kissed three, and didn't feel a single thing. With two of the ones I kissed, it was almost repulsive. None of those relationships lasted longer than two weeks. I've never dated a girl, but I've always been more attracted to them, emotionally and physically. With girls, I set my standards low, but with guys, my standards are high. In movies and books, I always find the guys romantic and attractive and think "I'd date someone like him" but in real life I've never connected with a guy in anyway. Except for my bestfriend, but its completely platatonic.(he's gay) I guess I know what I am... I just have trouble accepting it. I don't want to let my parents down. My Mom would be devastated if I told her and would blame herself. She wouldn't understand that its not her fault I'm like this. I've become happier since acknowledging the feelings inside me instead of just brushing them off. I'm just not sure where I stand anymore. The question that nags at me the most is "where do I go from here?" I've always pushed any female friends I've had away because I was terrified of getting too close to them, I just didn't know why. Now that I've acknowledged that I was scared of what I was feeling for them its easier. I live in a fairly small town. We don't have any GLBT groups and the only people I know who think the same way I do are guys. Its pretty lonely around here.
That's great, because you just now know "yes, I'm gay". You are just afraid of coming out. But you don't have to do it right away. You can do it slowly. It took me several years until I came out to my friends. I've known them for years and there are 3 gay guys in my group and one of them and I just came out last year, and the other 2 were out a long time ago. And we were still kind of scared (we talked about this, because it's different, even though you know people will support, we kind of feel bad because it's a change that we have to deal with. I mean... it's weird living your whole life thinking you like boys (or girls) because that's what it's supposed to be. But when you realize and say "i'm gay" it's the hugest step. Talk to the guys you know, if you need to. Tell them how you feel, maybe it's better than talking to people from the internet. But don't just think you have to come out just yet. You'll have to first be comfortable, and that's really cliché, but it's true. Don't rush yourself into anything. Just take baby steps first and then you'll know the right time to come out, and whenever you want to talk to somebody, I'm here, really, people from this forum are here too. So, yeah... just be okay for now and try to "come out" to yourself first.
In addition, you should wait until you're in more of a "power position" before coming out to parents who might not approve. What I mean is that coming out as an independent 24-year old is better than as a still-dependent 21-year old who's receiving college money, because they'll feel like you don't "owe" them to be straight as much. It's weird, I know, but this is the story I hear over and over again on EC.
