I feel like my problems are trivial compared to other people's problems on here

I've posted to the support forum several times regarding basically the same issue and I'm afraid people might get tired of hearing it. It might be because it seems rare that have a shoulder to openly cry on, I don't even tell my fiance everything that's wrong because we're long distance and will be for about 2 more years and there's not much he could do from all the way in England.

My mom has recently been nagging, when she nags, it's halfway between nagging and yelling. She tells me that I don't care about my appearance (I really don't) that I walk with a slouch without pride (I do slouch a bit) and that I only get out of my room and go to school or anything simply because the law requires it. If I had it my way, I would stay home all the time, but if I could get out away from my mom for an extended period of time, I'd jump at the chance, I signed up for a summer camp because the main reason is I'd be away from her for 5 weeks.

I'll be honest, the reason why I'm doing things the way I do and am not spending time with her like she wants is because of a couple of reasons. It is taking all of my willpower to repress myself from truly being myself, I don't care about how I look because I'm not dressing how I want to dress, I'm not standing straight because I fell depressed. My mom says the only time I spend time with her is when I want something, I'll be honest, that's half true. But only because of what happened when I lied and told her I was Bi as kind of a test/being shoved out of the closet. But If you do remember responding to another thread of mine I did a complete 180 and just said I was confused. I haven't trusted her or had any respect for her since. If you don't remember, she basically called me a slut and said she wouldn't give me my license because I'd just "drive around to pick up guys". We also haven't talked about it since.

My mom just manages to get to me all the time and make me feel like crap. One time she really got to me and I collapsed against a wall and started crying, she was pissed about something and made me get up and look in the mirror and said something along the lines of "Do you realize how pathetic you look? Quit crying!"

I can no longer stand this woman, I already hate my deadbeat dad, when I was younger I was sure that it wasn't possible for me to hate both of my parents, but, now I'm not sure.

About a month ago, my mom got to me so bad that I cried in the shower for an hour, went to bed and cried for an hour, then kinda went insane and laughed like a mad man. I got up, went to the kitchen, and took out a knife, I was bout to cut myself but, I just couldn't do it. I threw it back in the drawer and went back to bed.

I just feel so alone here, I have nobody I an really talk to. I mean, nobody that's here, my fiance is always there for me but, recently, since he's halfway across the world I feel like we're drifting apart, I spend almost every moment of my massive spare time on the computer talking to him, and I feel like I shouldn't be doing that. And he won't be able to get stateside for at least 2 years And he's the only person I have, there is absolutely nobody else I can talk to. I've been told to seek a therapist or a PFLAG group on here but there's not one anywhere near me. And about the therapist, I can't, I don't know why, I'm just afraid that if I spill my guts out to them, they'll tell my mom everything. Then I'll be completely, and utterly screwed. I just flat don't know what to do!

 

Oh, I know that I could benefit from one of those groups, but that is not possible, I'm actually in a small-medium town along the northern border of Texas, Dallas is the closest city so I just listed my city as Dallas, I'm going to change that. But yeah, there is no group in my town that I know of.

Just adding to it now, I changed it, are there any in my location? Because I've looked and found nothing.

 

Thanks! I live n the county north of Denton, and yes, Denton is a college town, I want to go to their college, UNT eventually, and these links help but I wouldn't be able to get to one of them for at least 7 more months because I don't get my license till I'm 16. But yea, you're right, they are open minded and it is a college town. And yeah, I'm not dressing in a way that expresses myself at all either.