The story of my first gay relationship

Hello all, really long entry here so apologies in advance. In a nutshell it's the story of my first relationship, coming out, and break up, with a request for some advice at the end.

It's been a long time since I've posted on here. A lot has happened in the past year. When I first posted I was dealing with two main issues, for which I made threads and got some helpful responses. 1) I was concerned about my low sex drive and how to determine whether I was gay without one, and 2) I was worried about learning to be intimate and affectionate with another man.

I started online dating and in no time at all I met a great guy who I really liked. After three dates we were still getting along great, but he decided he wanted to just be friends. He claimed we were both fairly inexperienced, and he wasn't sure where things were going. Later he added that he wasn't sure the chemistry was right. However, as we became friends and grew closer, my feelings deepened and his changed. Before I knew it I had my first ever relationship. In short order I was passing so many milestones: cuddling, kissing, making out, sexual activities, and coming out to all of my friends and family. I even took him as my date to my ten-year high school reunion, which was a huuuge step for me. The response was overwhelmingly positive, I was so happy.

My sex drive remained low throughout the relationship, but I found myself able to do sexual things with him. Mostly hand play with the occasional oral. Though I didn't have much drive for it, I did enjoy it when we did it, especially once the performance anxieties subsided. I would ask him if he was satisfied with that element of our relationship, and he would say yes.

Our compatibility was great. We had similar values, interests, personalities, and senses of humor. I found him very attractive and he complemented me on my looks as well. We talked every day on the phone, and conversation was never strained or awkward. We clicked on an intellectual level and would often talk about politics and world events. The biggest obstacle was the distance. He lived about an hour away, so we only got to see each other on weekends. This actually wasn't so bad. It made every weekend feel like a mini-vacation.

We never argued. We only had a handful of disagreements, and when they occurred we would always talk them out in a cool, rational manner. We established in a conversation early on the importance of honesty and communication, and of being on the same page as far as how we were feeling about the relationship at any given time.

We did all kinds of things together. Hiking, biking, kayaking, movies, games. We took three trips: a weekend trip to Catalina Island, a trip to San Francisco for my work meeting and to meet up with another gay couple we knew, and a trip to the Midwest to visit my parents for Thanksgiving. He knew all of my immediate family: my parents, my sisters, my nephews and nieces, as well as my three cousins and all of my closest friends. I knew several members of his family too.

He said many sweet things to me. He called me a treasure on several occasions, saying he was lucky to have me. He called our relationship the healthiest he has ever had. He was the first one to say "I love you," which took our relationship to another level.

There were some minor issues I had with the relationship at times. I was generally more affectionate than him (ironic, since I was so worried about whether I could be affectionate with another man!), and later on in the relationship he didn't compliment me as much as he had at the beginning. However, when we had a conversation about these things he assured me that it had more to do with his personality than the way he felt about me.

Mid-January I wrote in my personal blog that things were better than ever. Exactly a week later he dropped a bombshell: he felt that my emotional investment in the relationship was greater than his. He'd been feeling this for some time, and it had been making him feel guilty and a bit resentful. I was blindsided, I'd had no idea. At times I had perhaps felt a little insecure about his feelings, but whenever I asked him how the relationship was going for him he would say good. Based on my understanding that honesty was important to him and the conversation we had had about being on the same page and communication, I had always taken him at his word. My whole perception of the relationship was thus flipped upside down. I asked him what we should do . . . obviously we could not continue as is, something had to change, this issue had to be addressed. He was comfortable just moving forward, however, and seeing how the revelation being out in the open affected our relationship. He suggested we take a week to consult family and friends and see where we stood.

That week was awkward. No more "I love you"s. Still daily calls, and we spent a day with my cousins during which my boyfriend continued to be fairly affectionate with me. Four days after the initial conversation, we went to a rock concert together. After the concert, we were driving back to his place when he suddenly pulled over to the curb in his neighborhood: "We need to talk."

We went to his room. Through the ensuing conversation, he broke up with me. We'd been together for eight and a half months. It ended over four days.

He said that he didn't feel chemistry with me. He said that he didn't love me the way I loved him. He said he'd been considering trying to date girls again (he identifies as bisexual). He allowed me as much time as I wanted to talk about things. He claimed that when he had originally told me "I love you" he meant it. However, he also called my attention back to the third date, the one when he had initially decided to just be friends due to "lack of chemistry". Meanwhile, I had first gotten interested in him because he was the only guy I dated that I felt chemistry with.

After that night I communicated with him once more: via email. I was so very confused, and I needed some closure. I told him I thought he had acted rashly. I told him that what we had, the level of compatibility, was so very rare and special, especially when the same-sex dating pool is so small. I questioned why he waited until the bitter end to tell me about how he was feeling, why he broke things off so suddenly, and why he didn't give us a chance to try to work things out together.

He reiterated that while we look great on paper, the mutual romantic feeling was not there. He compared it to building a house with a weak foundation. He justified his dishonesty throughout the relationship by saying that, though communication is important, this topic was the exception. He felt that bringing it up to soon would have doomed the relationship prematurely. I for one thing it's the only thing that could have saved it. I have not communicated with him further since then. It has been almost a month.

A week after it happened, I was very depressed. I felt like I had won the lottery with him, and now my ticket had blown away in the wind. I felt like I would have to win the lottery all over again. To get into a "plenty of fish in the sea" mindset, I started browsing profiles on my dating site profile, which I had never closed (I had just changed my status to "seeing someone" so I could still use the site to make friends). Lo and behold . . . my ex-boyfriend with a shiny new profile, labelled bisexual. Several days later the label had been changed to "straight." He was searching for someone who "shared his values," for whom he would feel "that spark." "That spark" apparently being the thing we lacked.

I am at a loss. I sincerely want to remain friends with him. He changed my life, and I loved him. He is fundamentally a good person, even if his actions have hurt me deeply. I know he is confused, and I sympathize with him. At the same time, I don't know how I can be friends with him without having a conversation with him first about why he took it upon himself to call our relationship dead in the water so soon after first telling me his issues. This was literally the first and only major problem we ever faced. I honestly don't know what was true and what wasn't. I know he "admires" me, but I don't know how much he really likes me. I don't even know if the reasons he gave are true. We didn't have chemistry? And it took him eight and a half months to figure that out?

When we began our relationship he was teaching high school and hated his job. I helped him make it through the school year, at which point he quit his job. He has been partially employed since then as a tutor and is currently in the middle of a career transition. Last I knew he had yet to find a full-time position.

My questions to any of you, if you've managed to get this far (congratulations!)

1. What's your opinion of what he did (keeping his true feelings from me for months, putting up a facade, then breaking up with me only four days after telling me the truth). Is there ever a situation in a relationship when honesty is not the best policy? Do you think he acted impulsively? Think maybe his career pressures could have contributed to his waning feelings? Surely if he ever "loved" me he should have valued the relationship enough to at least attempt to preserve it, if only for a week or two.

2. What steps should I take to remain friends with him? I'm determined to go at least 30 days with zero contact, and I'm almost there. I would wait longer until I'm recovered more, but I feel I need to talk to him for closure or these lingering questions will continue to eat at me. Is it wise to try to have this conversation? I know some people suggest you shouldn't even try to befriend an ex. I am not a believer in this blanket rule. I wish to at least try.

Thanks, and any general comments are appreciated too. Sorry for the rambling novel.

 

Thanks for the responses guys.

4AllEternity: Yeah, I definitely went through a period of feeling what happened was due to me not being good enough, interesting enough, sexual enough, etc. I'm mostly over that. Actually, finding my ex's dating profile labelled as "straight" helped, because it made me realize that he is really confused. Thus, the break-up has more to do with him than it does with me.

I also agree that the whole relationship wasn't a lie. I know he had feelings for me early on. Once the initial excitement of the relationship died down (and possibly due to other factors in his life that he's dealing with), he found that the emotions that were left were not as strong as he thought they should be.

I definitely plan to take a healthy amount of time to heal before looking for another relationship. In fact, I don't really plan on "looking for a relationship" at all. Instead, I'm just going to focus on meeting people, going on dates and seeing how I feel (pretty much the same I was doing last year). If I meet someone who I really like, then I might consider taking it further, much like I did with my ex.

One of the main conflicts I have had with myself is how strictly to adhere to the so-called "no contact rule." There are lots of proponents of that rule, but at the same time there are others that disagree. I found one relationship advice website that totally opposes the no contact rule if you plan to try to remain friends with an ex. I think I've taken enough time to distance myself from the relationship and get used to not talking to him everyday. In fact, I texted him a while ago and he's going to call me in about an hour to chat. I'm not going to talk about the relationship with him tonight. I plan to eventually share my feelings about what went down, but I want our new friendship to begin on a positive note. Even though what he did was hurtful, I recognize that he is genuinely a great person. He's only human though, with flaws like everyone else. If anything this month has allowed me to take off the rose-colored glasses I was viewing him with before.

stuck mistake: I don't really expect total closure. When we eventually have a heart to heart about the relationship, I mostly just want to share my feelings about what went down, and see if I can get a little insight into where his mind was at. If he doesn't wish to share that, it's his decision, but I at least need to try.

And I am grateful for all of the memories. I truly feel blessed to have shared eight and a half months with him. Hopefully we will share more great memories in the future, only as friends.

 

I spoke to him. We talked for 2 hours and cleared up a lot of the misunderstandings I had which were causing me the most pain. It really is truly the case that he cared for me . . . he's just still finding himself. He's focusing on girls right now because he's questioning whether he's capable of feeling the right kind of romantic feelings for a guy. He feels like I'm such a great guy that if the feelings weren't there for him then he might not be able to feel them for any guy. Flattering . . . but it also means that I missed finding the love of my life by THAT much. Bummer. Still, I feel a lot more at peace now.

 

Well, apparently the issue wasn't his discomfort with a homosexual relationship. After being listed as "straight" on the dating site for a while he changed it to gay. And now he's in a relationship with a guy a mere three months after dumping me. He announced his new relationship on Facebook two days before what would have been our one year anniversary.

Sorry to repeat myself, I've gone through this in another thread too. I just thought I would update this one

 

Yeah. I haven't talked to him since mid-February. I hope to eventually be friends because he's honestly a good person and we get along great (or at least we did). The obstacle is he's still the only guy I've dated that I've felt such a high level of compatibility and chemistry with. I feel his anxiety and immature relationship beliefs led to what happened more than anything. So it'll be hard to truly and completely kill the desire within myself to get back together.

I do have a straight friend that I used to be in love with. After being put through the emotional wringer by him I'm finally at a place where I'm comfortable just being friends and hanging out occasionally with him. The obsessive nature of my feelings has gone away, largely because I realized certain personality traits of his weren't going away. So I imagine the same might be possible for my ex, and I'd be willing to try some day. If the desire was mutual, of course. As for now, adding him to my restricted list on Facebook and removing his updates from my newsfeed is where I'm at.

 

Hello all, I thought I would give an update.

It has been almost eight months since my break up. That means we have been apart almost as long as we were together. Feels like much longer, though.

We didn't quite reunite as friends. His chilly reception when I tried, coupled with his quick rebound into another relationship made it difficult. Now we are basically not talking. We're still Facebook friends, but I don't follow his updates (although occasionally I'll check his profile . . . bad I know.) He will occasionally "like" my status. We swapped birthday greetings in July, though mine was an email and his was just a one sentence wall post. We haven't talked on the phone since February and haven't seen each other since the day he dumped me in January. I still correspond with his roommate who is a friend. I am reluctant to lose every friendship I made during that time.

I still think about him every single day. I still occasionally dream about him and fantasize about him coming back into my life and giving us another chance. These are the reasons why I don't see a friendship happening anytime soon. Part of me wonders whether having him back in my life as a friend would help me stop missing him, but then I'm afraid it would just make things worse by reminding me of what we used to have.

I've gone out with plenty of guys since then. One could have led to a relationship, but for a variety of factors I decided to turn him down. One was that I just wasn't feeling the way I had felt with my ex. I'm afraid I won't find someone else that makes me feel that way. I even wonder whether I should try dating girls to broaden my horizons. I'm practically asexual, or perhaps demisexual, so it seems feasible that if I found the right girl things could work. I'm just down about the small gay dating pool, and how it seems like I used up my great match right off the bat. I just don't feel much attraction to many other guys.

My current plan is to try not to obsess about finding another relationship. Instead I will focus on bettering myself and getting out there to meet a variety of people. I'll still date guys with the online dating sites but I think I'll be more open to dating a girl if an interesting one comes along. I just hope if it did come to that she'd be okay with my sexuality and dating history.

 

Thought I would post an update on this ancient thread. It has now been more than a year since my heart got broken. I'm still not over it. It sucks. I think about my ex all the damn time. I've gone on many dates in the past year, and have made some good friends from my experiences. There's been guys that have been interested in me. But no one can capture my interest like my ex did. The ones that get me interested usually turn out to be flakes. The ones that develop feelings for me I feel nothing for.

Sometimes at my worst I think of my ex as a "bait and switch." I came out to everyone for him. I took him to my high school reunion and outed myself to practically everyone I ever went to school with. I just started dating guys as an experiment, but because of him I took the plunge. Then he jettisoned me practically out of the blue. Now I can't find anyone else that I'm attracted to in that way. I've been seeing a guy now who is nice, funny, and has a good head on his shoulders. He also seems much more emotionally healthy. But the feelings are just not there. I wonder whether I should just "settle" for someone who is stable rather than trying to seek out the intense feelings again. I worry that perhaps I'm simply attracted to emotionally unavailable people.

I've given up hope of ever being friends with my ex. I don't think he particularly cares, and I don't know if it would just make my problems worse. It pains me that someone who I cared for so deeply is now practically a stranger.

I can't help but feel bitter about how quickly my ex moved on to someone else (3 months or so). He's still with the guy a year later (saw his profile pic on a mutual friend's FB list, it was him all cutesy with his bf). Even though when he broke up with me he said he was gonna give girls another try.

Don't know if I'm really asking for advice. Just venting. I know what the advice would be. I have to move on. Time heals all wounds. Etc etc. Any success stories about moving on, finding someone else, etc.?